Page 41

Abby

I’m torn after last evening’s events. Ve left first thing in the morning. We hadn’t talked too much. Yesterday was exhausting. It has drained me emotionally. I love that boy so much it hurts. It cannot compare to anything I’ve felt before. Even if we don’t make it, nothing will ever match it. The only thing I hate are those constant spats and then making up with sex. Another thing I’m concerned with are those hunches I have. Experience tells me they never appear without reason. I may not accept them at all times, but that doesn’t mean they’re not real and don’t spell something more or less bad. I would like to figure Ve out—those absurd, extreme behaviors. Sometimes I can’t keep up with him. It’s good one minute and another it’s suddenly awful. Sometimes I can practically feel his mood swinging from one moment to another, shutting me off. He becomes cold, indifferent. I’m like that too sometimes—one gesture, one word can chip at my self-confidence so much I instantly explode. Maybe he’s the same. Maybe, when his self-consciousness surfaces, he does everything to make it stop, no matter the consequences.

The sound of the phone yanks me back to reality.

“Will you come for dinner?” Grandma’s voice is neutral. I can’t be sure what her mood is after yesterday.

“Do you want to see me or will you be rude like last time?” I ask with all the brazenness I can muster.

“I’m just worried, is all. People are talking.”

“Then stop listening to them and start listening to me. I thought you trusted me and knew I’m a responsible person. When should I come?” I ask, composed now.

“Is two okay?”

I tell her I’ll be there and hang up. What are they all going on about with this “what will people say” bullshit? I don’t give a rat’s ass what they’ll say. Are they the ones paying for my stuff? No? Then fuck off and don’t stick your noses into my shit. I’ve been hearing the same things from Dad, too. Why the crap should I bother with what people think? People I care nothing about. I don’t get it.

Vicks comes over.

“Want to go to my grandma’s for dinner today? I need the support. She won’t dress me down with you around.”

“Sure. Right now?” She glances at her watch.

“Pretty much.”

“Let’s go, then.”

With Vicks present, Grandma doesn’t touch on any difficult topics. We chat for a while, help her clean up after dinner, and return to my place.

In the evening, I go to Connor. My mood is dark. I don’t know what’s got into me, but I’m cold and uncaring, while he does his best to be as nice as possible. I decide I’m not in the mood to stay there any longer.

“Where are you going, Abby?” he asks.

“I don’t know. This place is suffocating. I need to leave.”

He gets up, keeping his eyes on me. Without another word, he puts on his shoes and walks me outside. There’s Vicks sitting by the building.

“Hey, you. What are you doing here?” I ask, surprised.

“I was with Myro, but he’s gone home to fetch something.You?”

“We’re just taking a breather. You staying or going home?” I prod.

“I was about to go home.”

“Then I’ll come with you.”

I notice Ve’s puzzled expression. He doesn’t say anything. That same instant, Myro joins us. Vicky tells him she’s going to have to bail.

Ve grabs me by the hand.

“Come on,” he barks and pulls me along. “What’s going on, Abby?”

“What do you think?”

“I don’t know. You’re different. Distant.”

“I’m tired. Situations like that from yesterday are very hard for me. Physically, mentally, and emotionally destructive. We’ve been together for a while. You should know I take a while to regenerate. I can’t just wave my hand and let it go. Each emotion blown out of proportion cuts a swathe across my body. I need more time to recuperate. I can be cold, indifferent, absent. I’m not entirely sure how this works. But from what I’ve seen myself, this is how it’s going to be.”

“That’s why you want to go already? Are you pushing me away?” he keeps asking.

“I don’t know. I just need some space and silence, without all this fucking drama. I never thought it’d come to that. That I’d need to be alone on your account. I thought you’d be the only person who could soothe me, that could make me so blissful. But that was until yesterday. I think I’ve just had enough. I don’t like your jealousy. The restrictions. You can do whatever you like, while I can do nothing. I would understand if I had lied to you, but I’ve never done that. I always tell you about everything. Yesterday was the same. We push and pull at each other more and more often. But the difference between us is that I tell you everything, and you tell me nothing. Unless I catch you doing something. Or I learn things from people. That’s when you start talking, only when your back is up against the wall.”

“I’m not going to change!” he snaps, taking me aback. “You want to be with me? Decide!”

“What? What do you mean?” I ask, shocked. “Of course I do. How about you? You want that or do you just make yourself think that?”

“I don’t make myself do anything.”

“But you won’t change.”

“No. I don’t know.”

“I’m going now,” I say, resigned. “Have a good night.”

Ve releases my hand. He kisses me briefly and goes back to the entrance. Vicks gets up, says bye, and joins me.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, Vicks. I think I just had too much. I need some space.”

Back home, I go straight to bed and allow sleep to take me.