Page 62

Abby

How time flies! Valentine’s Day seems like just a couple days ago, but it’s been months. The memory warms my heart. It’s been a year since Connor and I started seeing each other. A year since he turned my world upside down. Amazing. Even my parents have mostly got used to it. Though Mom stayed at home for two whole days, probably to keep an eye on me during Valentine’s Day. Connor came by with a red rose and a present. I sat on the bed and unwrapped it. It was a photo frame. I love those. But this one was one of a kind. He painted the background himself and added our photo cut into the shape of a heart.

“It’s beautiful! Thank you so much.” I threw my arms around his neck.

That gift was just lovely. He knows me so well. He always knows what will bring me the most joy. I’ve never got a present from him that I didn’t like.

We were planning dinner. Unfortunately, each pub we tried was already fully booked, and we hadn’t thought to call to book a table. In the end, we came back to my place and ordered pizza. And since Mom was there, Ve went home around ten.

In the last two months, I’ve had so much on my plate: studying, classes, and various chores. It was hard to combine that with meeting Ve. Add to that my parents being home all the time. It’s going to be our first anniversary the day after tomorrow. I’ve never been with anyone so long, and I can honestly say that was an intense twelve months. It’s surprising we managed to stay together. At the same time, I’m worried because Connor is always late. It’s been the norm lately. There isn’t a meeting he arrives at on time. I still haven’t discovered why that is. My low self-esteem tells me that he’s just in no hurry to see me. He got used to me forgiving him for everything. He doesn’t care as much as he used to. And he’s getting less reliable. He says one thing, promises, even, and then rarely keeps his word. It’s hard to understand. For me, a promise is sacred. My word is my bond, so I always do what I can to keep promises.

Maybe I shouldn’t constantly lecture him and order him around. I’m acting like his mom. Maybe that blocks him. I guess I’m doing it out of fear—I always assume he’ll hurt me at some point if I don’t have control over certain things. Well, being a control freak can be tiresome. But those little lies of his. I hate them! I’m not sure if he thinks I’m that naive or just got used to everyone taking them at face value without any verification or any attempt to pry them open. I never do that. I have a detective’s brain, and it always breaks everything down into its constituent parts, connecting the dots. So that pisses me off to no end.

Today’s example:

“I have to go now, Abby. I need to rewrite my notes and study for tomorrow,” he says.

And what does he do? He doesn’t go home, of course. He goes straight to the Den. And he loses track of time and doesn’t study back home at all. Why won’t he just tell me: “I’m going to drop by the Den because I don’t want to spend all my time with you.”

Would I cope with that? I don’t think so. I don’t know what’s better.

“Seriously, Connor? I’m supposed to believe you’ll do what you promised? It’s clear where you’ll go now. And equally clear that you’re lying. So I’m asking you: what’s your deal? Are you bored with me? Are your buddies messing with your head again?”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about, Abigail, but I’m pretty annoyed you keep telling me what to do.”

“What is that supposed to mean, Connor? I don’t like where this conversation is going.”

“Well, you didn’t let me go to the pool with the guys that night. You didn’t let me go camping. Whenever I go to the Den, you always lecture me that I act different whenever I come back.”

“That’s a fact. You know that.”

“You know what? I liked myself better before. You changed me. Turned me around. I don’t like that. I don’t want it anymore. I’m going to do what I want from now on,” he concludes. I’m rooted to the spot. My head is numb with shock. I don’t know what to say.

Ve doesn’t wait for my response. Instead, he stands up and leaves. I’m frozen. I know I pushed too hard. I didn’t allow him to go to those places because I was afraid of what he might do. I know that’s wrong. I shouldn’t do that. But it’s just stronger than me. I don’t know if I can drop that part of me that loves to have everything under control. I’m anxious when there’s chaos around, and that leads to internal destruction, to racing thoughts. On the other hand, I let him go to the pool at night recently. He didn’t even invite me. But I was glad he asked me —it meant he cared and he respected my opinion. He wants to be open and fair to me. In the end, however, he didn’t call me to check in like he said he would, so my trust in him got broken. Next time I told him I didn’t want him to go. Did he listen? I can’t say. I’ll never know, I guess. Besides, his attitude towards school annoys me. I’m no nerd either, but at least I’m smart and organized enough to not be threatened with expulsion or repeating a year. Meanwhile, he’s always right on the brink. Well, he always manages to come out unscathed. Damn, maybe I really should ease off.

What hurt me was his words: “I don’t like that you changed me.”

Come to think of it, he changed me too. Totally. Or, at least, I’m trying to change. I warned him that there are people who see me as a weirdo, so maybe he shouldn’t waste his time on me. I’m a difficult person. But he rarely ever surprises me positively. For instance, why won’t he come over a bit earlier for a change as a surprise, instead of always being late? And if it does happen, I always know he’s up to something. For example, he’ll want to leave earlier.

Anyway, it’s our first anniversary the day after tomorrow, and then it’s Ve’s birthday. I need to prepare something. I even have an idea or two.

I go shopping first thing in the morning, find what I’m looking for, and ask Dad for help.