Page 50

Abby

I decided to avoid him until I got the effect I wanted. I didn’t write, I didn’t text, I didn’t call him. I even went to school at a different time to miss him. That proved effective for two weeks. Two whole weeks of skulking around like a ghost. My parents started to worry I’d had something bad to eat. I was pale and barely ate, saying I was nauseous. And explaining that I wasn’t pregnant. I stayed home for a couple of days, sitting on the balcony and staring straight ahead, living on sunlight.

I’m leaving school right now. I see him sitting on a bench by the building. My heart starts hammering wildly. I’m out of breath all over again. Breathe, breathe, I tell myself. I pass him by, pretending not to see him. He pushes to his feet and jogs over.

“Hey, Abbs!”

“Hey,” I bark and turn away. I can’t look him in the eyes.

“Can we talk?” he asks. I don’t know what to say. I stay quiet. He slides a finger under my chin and raises it. “Look at me,” he whispers.

I swing around and leave. This is no place for a scene. I can hear him following me. Then he bars my way.

“Say something.” His voice is pleading. Something melts inside me. It’s my anger and my disappointment. I’m completely defenseless in his company, which pisses me off all the more.

“I told you everything the last time,” I say and walk straight past him, heading to the bus stop.

“Please, listen to me.” He grabs my wrist. There’s that familiar jolt. The heat spreading along my body.

“What do you have to tell me that’s new?”

I gather my courage and look him in the eyes. What I see there is surprising. They’re dull, filled with pain and sadness. That completes the process of melting the disappointment I had in him.

“Abbs. I’m really sorry. You’re right. I think I’m not used to sharing things with anyone. Sometimes I forget myself and just do things my way. I go somewhere because I feel like it. I’ve always done so. In my plans, I never had to factor in anyone else. Shit, I don’t do that on purpose. I really don’t want to lie to you or hide anything. I thought I wasn’t doing anything wrong until that last argument, when you made me see the truth. I’ll do my best to change. Just, please, don’t turn away from me. Don’t leave me. I can’t stand it. The way I felt these last weeks was completely alien to me. I’ve never been such a fucking emotional wreck. Trust me, it’s hard to admit that to myself, so imagine how hard it is to admit it to you.”

He finishes his monologue, and I stay rooted to the spot. I don’t know what to say. I can’t move. He’s right, to be honest. I understand him. I’m just not sure if I can trust him again. I’m fighting myself, though deep down I already know I can’t live without him.

“Alright,” I say finally. “But you really need to stop forgetting. Do you know how I feel when other people tell me what you did? What must they think about me? That I’m some kind of loser. I don’t want to feel like that.”

“Thank you,” he says and shifts closer, uncertainly. His hand slides into my hair. His brow touches mine. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” I say and stand on my toes to reach his lips with mine. He presses against me. We kiss for a long while. I feel my body filling with light again.

“How did you know when I finish school?” I ask when we finally pull apart.

“From Ivy.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. She didn’t want to tell me but finally relented. She threatened that if I fuck it up, she’ll do everything in her power to keep me away from you. She sounded pretty serious.”

It dawns on me that Ivy really did ask when I finish school on Fridays. I thought she wanted to come by.

“Don’t be mad at her.”

“I’m not.”

“And at me?”

“No. Not anymore,” I admit. All my anger evaporated when we kissed.

“Thank goodness.” He takes my hand and leads me to the bus stop.

The bus is so crowded, there’s not much air left to breathe. Ve keeps me close, dividing me from the rest and giving me some much-needed freedom. With my height, in crowds this thick I often get breathless. I’m grateful for his care for my well-being. It’s my Ve. He’s back, tender and caring. The question is: for how long? Until he feels it’s cool again and he can go back to his old habits? Or maybe he still can’t show his real self to his buddies. Maybe he thinks he’d come out as weak? How could Ve the bad boy suddenly fall in love? Wouldn’t that be considered a weakness? Yes, that makes sense. But am I strong enough to bear this burden? Why pretend this much?

I conclude that I’m also a pretender. I pretend to be confident and easygoing, while I most certainly am not. It’s so easy to hurt me. The fact is, I just don’t show it. But inside, I often come apart and it takes me weeks to recover. Maybe I don’t have the right to expect things from him. Maybe he’s dealing with the same stuff I am. I can’t ask him, though. He’d just deny it. There’s no chance he’d say I’m right.

Connor walks me home. We stand by the entrance to the building for a while longer, as if neither of us wants to part. That’s pretty much the case.

“Catch you later?” he asks haltingly.

“Yes. What would you like to do?”

“Will you be alone?”

“I don’t think so. My parents are going to be home this week.”

We agree to meet at six. He leans toward me and kisses me goodbye. My eyes linger on him for a couple of heartbeats, and then I go inside. I feel as if a great weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Our talk was cathartic. I never thought it would happen. But it has.

My parents rarely stay at home over the weekends. If they don’t go to Daisy Valley, they visit their friends or stay at my aunt’s place. Today they went to some kind of party. My brother went along. Surprisingly, Ve is on time.

“They’ll be back around nine,” I say as soon as he enters. “What do you want to do?”

“We can stay home, if you’d like.”

It’s a good idea, especially considering that the time we spent apart has made me really crazed for some closeness. I climb him and wrap my legs around his hips. My arms fly over his neck and I push my lips to his.

“I’ve missed you,” he whispers.

“Me too, Ve. So much.”

We join in a passionate kiss, pulled to each other like magnets. His soft, warm tongue twists around mine. I feel wonderful. Ve’s hands skim my sensitive skin, so starved of touch. He slides them under my shirt, moves up, finds my breasts, unclasps the bra, and pulls the top off. His lips cover the nipple, then the other one. I can feel them growing and hardening under his caress. His fingers brush against them lightly, pinching softly. I’m getting wet. Ve senses this, unbuttons my jeans, and pulls at them. I straighten, wanting to make his task easier. He pulls the pants down quickly and rises. His hands land on my buttocks, clasp over them. He lifts me in the air. I’m so horny I fail to realize that we’ve moved to the bedroom. I’m on the bed now, kneeling with my arms stretched above my head, propped on my elbows. I feel him smack my ass, leaving a warm red print.

“You have a perfect ass. It’s so fucking amazing. I’ll fuck you in the other hole one day,” he says and I gasp.

“The… other hole? I don’t think I’d like that.”

He must sense my tenseness.

“Don’t worry about it now.”

“I’m not into that, Ve.”

“Let’s not talk about this now. We’ll return to it later, okay?”

He rubs my clit, quickly dispelling any doubts I might have, and then suddenly impales me with his cock and starts fucking right the way I like it. My body missed him. We’re perfect for each other. We’re tailor-made. His every movement makes me go mad. Spasms roll over me. I’m close. My pulse quickens. I can barely breathe. Then, I come, reaching fulfilment. At the same moment, Ve slides out and shoots his seed over my ass. I offer him a pack of wipes. He cleans me up and slaps me again.

“I couldn’t help myself,” he chuckles as I glance at him with a raised brow.

“I like it when you do that. Your dirty talk turns me on.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Incredibly, yes. Normally I’d think it vulgar and off-putting, but when you talk to me like that so openly, with lust spilling from your voice, it really does turn me on.”

“What do you want to do now?” he asks, breathing in the smell of my hair.

“I have something for you to fill in.”

He sits up, his interest piqued.

“What’s that?”

“A set of questions. So we can learn more about each other.”

“Oh, darling, I think we already know each other pretty well,” he purrs, as his hand climbs my shoulder. Each spot he touches is immediately covered with goosebumps.

“I’m not talking physically. I’d like to know what colors you like, what are your favorite numbers, what ice-cream flavor you like the most…”

“Alright, let’s go!” He takes the paper. I also hand him a blank sheet so he can write down his answers. “Just don’t look. You’ll read this when I’m gone.”

“Okay. I’ll go make us tea.” I kiss him on the cheek and go to the kitchen.

It’s funny and a bit childish, but it’s going to be a nice memento. Maybe I’ll find those answers in another twenty years and smile at the memory. I collect them from all the people I care about.

Ve leaves before nine. I’m making myself another cup of tea when the rest of the family comes back. I don’t think they notice someone was here.

“How was the party?” I ask with feigned interest, so they don’t start asking questions.

“Funny. Your uncle talked about the military again. Real horror stories.”

“Great. I’m going to sleep then.”

“Everything alright?” Mom asks.

“Yes, I’m just tired after the week.”

I really am. All this time without Ve has drained me mentally. If situations like that keep happening, I won’t survive.

I grab Connor’s answers and read. There are a couple things about him that are new to me. One answer focuses my attention more than the others.

Question 77: Who am I to you?

Answer: The Everest of my dreams.

How eloquent, how beautiful, and how totally him! Wow! It’s a lyric from a song he likes, but that doesn’t matter. It’s more than “I love you” for him. I press the piece of paper to my heart and let out a sigh.