Page 66

Abby

A couple weeks later, Dad stops ranting. He even paid for my driver’s license course. Ve and I started going at the same time. He started his course a couple days after me. If all goes well, we’ll pass our exams in December. I’m so happy! It’s one of my greatest dreams—to have a driver’s license. I’m sure I’ll love driving.

I’m just worried that I’m feeling so unnecessary more often lately. Connor got used to me being there. He’s hanging around with his friends more often, doing God knows what, while he knows I’m all alone at home. It’s beginning to get tiring. Then there’s the fact he’s always late. And he’s getting so sluggish. It’s making me mad. I feel I shouldn’t press the matter or even dream of him changing. It’s just the way it is. But it’s just so frustrating when he’s late! He doesn’t respect me! I feel he doesn’t care. As if he’d rather be anywhere else. It makes me uneasy, out of my comfort zone. I lose control, and that makes me scared. I don’t know what he’s doing, if he’s lying to me. Or maybe it’s just a coincidence. I think I’ll go crazy with all these thoughts! Anyway, all attempts to talk to him and explain how I’m feeling end in arguments. He thinks I’m busting his balls. It’s making me feel the way I felt before I met him. Not worthy. Worthless. I can’t stand it. I can’t deal with it.

Vacation is over. It’s time to go back to school. A couple weeks in, it’s getting really hardcore. I’m slowly starting to feel the stress of having to take all the exams. The pressure is so strong and comes from everywhere—from the teachers and the parents. Even I add to it myself. The energy of my classmates does nothing to help. Everybody cares about the exams, so the atmosphere is pretty tense. The teachers came up with the idea of a trip to the mountains. To let us blow off some steam. We’ll hike through some forests, visit some historical monuments.

It sounded so good but then they just had to mention visiting historical sites! I hate them! I prefer spending time in nature. All the old, cold, damp, and stinky places like museums, monuments, and old buildings make my skin crawl. I always feel surrounded with dark, low energies, which then makes me lose lots of time to recover. There’s this other problem, too. I need to ask my parents for the money. I don’t know if they’ll pay. The driver’s license course wasn’t cheap.

Connor and I have our ups and downs. We have some difficult moments. His constant little lies are dousing my flame. I’m burning out. There are moments I have too little enthusiasm to fight for the both of us. I don’t want to live having to constantly battle for attention and truth. There’s not much strength left in me. Sometimes I think I’m slowly giving up. With each lie, delay, case of lack of interest, the same fire he lit inside me, the heat—it cools down, leaving nothing but ash.

This year the teachers decided to mix us up. Now it’s boy and girl at every desk. They must have thought that this way we’d stop talking and start focusing on the tasks at hand. So I’m sitting with Craig. We talk all the time. I like him. Craig is completely different from Ve. He’s nice, charming, polite, always listens to me with interest, and admires me for what I say and do. He’s a bit like my grandfather.

I’ve been going to school from Nikki’s bus stop for a while now. We meet halfway and chat about everything that happened over the weekends if we haven’t seen each other. Today she’s not there. She got ill but didn’t let me know until too late, so I get off where I normally do. The times when Ve used to ride the bus with me only to see me are long gone. I gave him everything, so he got bored. Or, at least, that’s how I explain it to myself.

“Abbs!” I hear someone calling.

I turn around and see Craig. He’s waving happily. I stop and let him join me.

“Hi there, gorgeous!” he says with a smile, and I feel my insides getting all warm and fuzzy. It’s so nice when someone’s happy to see me. “Pretty day, isn’t it?”

“It’s going to be warm. I thought it would be nice to spend the day doing nothing. I’m too afraid to wander the forest alone but… Want to skip classes today?” I ask without thinking. “There’s nothing important at school today. Maybe we could go somewhere together?”

My offer clearly puzzles him, but he doesn’t hesitate for too long.

“You know what? Why not?”

We take a turn and stroll for about an hour until we reach a beautiful clearing with a view of the entire city. We sit in the grass, and the sun gently warms our faces.

“It’s so nice,” I say.

“True.”

“Oh, Craig. I’m so glad you’re here.” The time we spend together is so simple. No arguments, no complaining.

“What’s going on, Abbs? Are you and Ve still together?”

I hesitate for a moment. Do I really want to share this with him? Talk about what’s between me and my beloved? I wouldn’t want to betray Ve by whining about him. But I tried talking to him, and it got me nowhere. He just doesn’t listen or see any issues. I need to get a second opinion. A man’s. And I trust Craig.

“Yes, we are, but it’s getting more complicated lately. I love him so much, but I sense he doesn’t feel the same way anymore. I think he got bored with me. I keep catching him lying. It’s nothing serious, but it gets under my skin. Why won’t he just tell me straight? Why lie? I really don’t know what he does and what’s the truth. When we’re together, he comes up with reasons to argue. The fire is sputtering out.”

“You’ve been different lately. Absent. That’s why I asked.”

“You think he grew bored with me? He got what he wanted and just got over me? Now he’s in it only because he doesn’t know how to end it?”

“It’s hard to tell. But if that’s the case, he’s stupid. If I had a woman like you, I’d treasure you. It isn’t only me. There’s lots of guys who dream of being in his place. And they’d do a lot to get there.”

That takes me by surprise. I don’t know what to say to that.

“You really think so?” I ask incredulously. Since I’ve been with Ve, I completely stopped looking at other men. He became the world to me.

“I don’t think so. I know it. You’re intelligent, smart, beautiful, and you have the most incredible eyes. You could drown in them.”

Our stares meet. I notice something I have been unaware of. He has feelings for me. No, that’s impossible. Shit, I don’t want that. I like him too much!

“Craig, do you like me?”

“Yes. I had a crush on you since before we ended up in the same class,” he says with a disarming openness. My jaw drops.

“But… how is that possible?”

“I went to your school for a volleyball tournament. You played in one of the teams. You wore navy shorts and a white T-shirt. You had your hair tied in two braids. I couldn’t keep my eyes off you. When it turned out we were classmates, I was so happy. Did you get my Valentine’s Day text?”

I did. It was very beautiful. I always wanted to know who wrote it. I can still remember what it said:

I have a dream or two, and both are about you. To sip the sweet nectar of life from your lips. To brave the storm, like twin sailing ships. To sleep and wake up in your loving arms. And die in peace, starved of your charms.

“That was from you?”

“Yes,” he replies, his cheeks growing red.

“I had no idea, Craig. So many years…”

“I knew you were in love. That you had someone. So, I let it go. It doesn’t change a thing between us. I know you love him. I respect that. I won’t come between you. I just wanted you to know there are men who… you know. Dream and wait. And he doesn’t appreciate what he has.”

“I don’t know what to say. I like you very much. You’re my friend, but…”

“I know, just a friend,” he finishes for me.

I don’t know what’s happening to me. Why do I suddenly feel like kissing him?

I can see it shocks him, but he returns the kiss. It’s weird. It’s not my Ve. There’s some emotion in it, but it’s not the same. Could I end up with someone else? Could I be with Craig? That would be a simple relationship, but do I need something like that now? A simple relationship? I don’t think so…

When we pull apart, I can see the effect it had on him. There’s a bulge in his pants, and his chest is heaving.

You’re losing it, girl, my subconscious whispers, bringing me back to earth. You’re having a hard time with Ve and you’re looking for someone to pick you up. I’m not! I’m looking for some attention. For someone who would care. I’m talking to my inner goddess, who now nods her head with disbelief.

“I’m sorry,” I say.

“That was amazing, Abbs! You’re such a great kisser.”

“Have you ever kissed someone, Craig?”

“Yeah, but not with so much passion.”

“Have you ever made love?”

“No.”

His directness dumbfounds me. You can really talk like that? Simply, without the double entendre? Question, answer. It’s so calming. Though, on the other hand, Ve used to talk like that in the beginning. That’s what won me over. I loved it. Why did it have to go to shit? Why won’t he spend time with me anymore or talk to me? What am I doing wrong? Life would be so much simpler if people just talked to each other normally.

“I didn’t have too many opportunities,” Craig adds, shamefaced. “If you catch my drift.”

“I do. Thanks for today. It was a very nice day. I needed to spend some time with someone simple, open, and forthright.”

“My pleasure.” He hugs me with one arm in a buddy-like manner, but I can see it’s a lot more than that to him. I know that now.

“Come on, I’ll walk you to the bus stop. School should be over in a moment.”

“I’ve got to ask you something, honey,” I say. “Let this stay between the two of us, okay?” I feel I can trust him.

I analyze what happened on my way home. Do I feel guilty about that kiss? I don’t think so, and that terrifies me. My inner demons, who have surfaced more often lately, have been placated. I only had to spend some time with someone who was genuinely happy to see me. I can’t blame myself for something that made me feel happy again. It’s only that… well, the demons are still there, only slumbering. Isn’t that a vicious circle? Even if they’re asleep now, there will come a moment when I feel unworthy and worthless again, and there they go again. There has to be some way to get rid of them. But how?

That kiss was so innocent… I will never mention it to anyone…