Page 40

Abby

Ever since that night, we’ve gone completely mad. We can’t seem to have enough of one another. We do it everywhere, whenever we have the chance. We’re sex-crazed. Everything else has lost importance. Each day is like a fairytale.

“I’m going to have to get the pills. With our temperament, desire, and perversion, we’re not going to manage with condoms.”

“I was about to suggest that but didn’t want to impose.”

“That’s sweet. But this is the reasonable solution.”

“Better not take too much risk,” he admits.

Today, I’m meeting people from the summer camp. We’re supposed to go to one of the pubs downtown. The weather is nice, so we sit at a table outside. The girls and I have a bit too much to drink. We go home early with Vicks, but the party moves to an apartment a couple of floors beneath mine. Ve is supposed to come over after eight, so we join the rest of the people.

Meanwhile, Ivy shows up. She’s crying. Lucas tore into her for drinking.

“Really? This is how it’s going to look? Stupid rows, rubbing shit in, and constant control? The fuck is that supposed to be?” I bark, indignant.

We go to my place to chat.

“Ve also behaves like that. I have no idea where this comes from. He pulls me in only to push me away without any reason. When we’re alone, cut off from the world, it’s near perfect. But as soon as he spends some time with his friends, he changes. That’s why I don’t like leaving him alone. I never know what to expect from him when he’s back. Speaking of the devil.”

“Hi, baby girl,” he says. “What were you up to? How was your meeting?”

“It was great. We got home after five and went to Chris’s place. The party moved there.”

“What the fuck? Why did you go there?” he shouts all of a sudden.

Totally taken aback by that reaction, I stand rooted to the spot, dumbfounded. I send Ivy an incredulous look.

“I… don’t know what you mean, Ve.”

“The fuck you mean, you don’t know?”

“I just don’t fucking know what you’re pissed about this time! I told you what happened. It’s you who has a problem.”

“Every time it gets better, you find a way to fuck everything up!” He continues the torture.

“You know what? I’ll leave you two alone.” Ivy sends me a commiserating glance and leaves.

“What did you go there for?” Connor’s voice is loud, booming, but I sense a hint of something else in it. Fear?

“Because everyone else did,” I retort.

“So you did too?”

“You weren’t there, Ve. Was I supposed to sit around at home all by myself, waiting for you? I did nothing wrong!”

He gets to his feet and turns the hi-fi on, playing Pe & Ya “Another Lost Day” . The speakers blare with the rapper’s words:

Another day you lost, even more things done wrong.

“Listen to this and think about it. I’m out!”

And he’s gone. Vicky takes his place.

“Fuck this, Vicks. I can’t get my head around it.” I’m crying, the tears streaking down my cheeks. I can’t calm down. I just don’t get it.

“Let it go. He’ll come around.” Vicky tries her best to cheer me up, but the phone rings, cutting her off. It’s Grandma.

“What’s happening, Abigail? You were supposed to check in. Come over here right this moment!”

“This isn’t the best time, Granny,” I say.

“I don’t care!” she snaps and hangs up.

I can barely stand. I wipe the tears away.

“What happened?” Vicky asks.

“Nothing. I’ve got to fucking go and explain myself.”

“Okay. Go and let me know when you’re back. I need to go take care of something, so I won’t come with you.”

My grandmother’s greeting is like a slap to the face.

“You look like you did drugs! You will go with your parents to Daisy Valley, young lady. I will stay with you no more.”

“But Grandma, why? What’s the matter?”

“I will not let you end up with a baby stroller at your age!”

Well, she finally went mad. It’s getting real.

“Listen, Grandma, I’m sorry I didn’t call you. I was with Vicky and Ivy and—”

“I’m not interested in your excuses.” She doesn’t let me finish.

“Alright, then, I’m sorry! I’m going home now!” I leave, slamming the door in her face.

This is too much. I have thousands of thoughts crammed in my head. I’m so lost. Maybe all he really did want was to fuck me and then brag about it to his friends. Maybe that fucking bet was still on. Maybe he was pretending to them as much as to me. I feel nauseous. I need to fight those thoughts. I knew from the get-go this would consume me, destroy me. Why the fuck did I get involved? I feel like hitting myself.

I’m back at my block, though I don’t remember coming here. I’m on my way from the elevator to my apartment when I notice a silhouette sitting on the stairs. At first I’m afraid, but it’s only him.

“What are you doing here?” I ask, dumbfounded.

“Vicky told me you were in bad shape and that I should talk to you because nothing bad happened.”

Vicky. She always knows what to do.

“Oh yeah? And you just decided to come here? All of a sudden you’re that interested in me?” I’m practically shouting.

“Let’s go inside,” Ve says, heading to the door.

“What if I don’t fucking want to talk to you? I’ve had enough! I can’t stand your constant outbursts! It’s perfect, and all of a sudden, you’re screaming at me for nothing! I want to live like a normal person!”

I have no idea where this anger is coming from.

“Calm down, Abby.” There’s a puzzled expression on his face now. He didn’t expect me to react this way. Neither did I.

He snatches the key from my hand, opens the door, and pushes me inside. That’s when the wave of tears spills over, cascading down my face. I’m drained. I slump down the wall and sit on the floor, hiding my face in my hands. He kneels before me. He’s trying to touch me, but I slap his hands away.

“Jesus, Abby. What’s wrong with you?”

“Say it! Say that you only wanted to fuck me! That’s why you behave like that. You’re looking for opportunities to lash out at me!”

His face contorts in a shocked expression.

“What the fuck are you going on about? Don’t you see it? Don’t you see I love you like crazy?”

“And that’s why you dress me down when I’m being honest with you?”

“I didn’t dress you down. I just get angry when there are other men around you! Besides, you smoked weed with those people, and I thought you might do it again. You’re mine. I can’t imagine living without you. I want to protect you at any cost! Don’t you get it? I would die without you!”

It’s disarming, really. I can’t say anything to that. I can only stare from behind the fountain of tears. He wipes them away with his sleeve and kisses them.

“Come here.” He stretches his arms out to me, closing me in an embrace. I press myself to his chest like a little child, slowly calming down.

There’s no telling how long we stay this way on the floor, but it’s enough for me to come to my senses. When he’s with me, I feel tranquil.

“This can’t continue,” I say. “I don’t know what your deal is, but when I’m being honest with you, you have to respect it. You can’t behave like that. Would you prefer that I didn’t tell you where I was?”

“No. I would prefer if you didn’t go at all.”

“If this is such an issue, okay. I won’t behave like that in the future. But this works both ways. You don’t ask me for permission when you see other people. You don’t even tell me about much of your stuff.”

“What are you saying?

“What do you actually do when you’re not with me? I never know.”

“I do nothing,” he says sharply.

This is getting weird. I’m not used to people forbidding me to do things. But maybe I’m just overreacting. Maybe this is how relationships work. Only… can I be sure?

He says no more, instead picking me up and carrying me to the bed, lying next to me.