Page 64

Abby

I’m so blissful after that birthday. We were inseparable again. But only up to a point… Around a month from Ve’s birthday, everything began to change.

It’s a beautiful sunny day. Saturday is going to be great. We decide to go to the lake. Just me, Ve, and some friends. His friends. I’m not entirely okay with that, as I’m having my period and going through it like usual—I’m aching all over and unstable. The boys wanted to throw me into the water, and I made a big scene.

“Oh, come on,” Ve scoffed. “You’ll cool down and feel better.”

“Right, and you’re supposed to know what it’s like? That only proves you know nothing about me. Besides, I’m not going in that dirty sludge. It’s only going to give me eczema. I always get it when I swim. All kinds of untested water cause me to develop infections in places I’d rather not talk about. Even swimming in a pool isn’t completely safe. And even a drop of water on my face causes a rash.”

Pity he didn’t care to ask before or remember when I told him. It was easier to put me down.

“Come on, everyone is swimming, and they’re okay! I’m going for a short swim anyway.”

Everyone. Why does he always have to compare me to others? I’m an individual. I can’t be made equal to anyone! I don’t get it. It’s not that hard to realize everyone is different. Everybody sees the world in their own way. We all have different pain thresholds and reactions. Besides, I’m one of the most emotional zodiac signs. Why is it like that? Why do we sometimes agree on everything without words, and at other times it’s as if we were born on completely different worlds?

His short swim lasted for about half an hour. Maybe I’m wallowing in self-pity too much, and maybe I expect too much. The fact that I’d do things one way doesn’t give me the right to assume everyone would do the same. But that’s not easy. When I’m on my period, I need a lot more care and attention. I can’t give it to myself. Yet. But maybe one day a time will come when I’ll learn to care for myself and won’t need anyone else to keep me happy. Maybe that’s the solution to my problems. Only… how do I do that?

“Are we going back?” I ask with hope in my voice, because I’m already hot as fuck.

“I thought we’d take the pedal boat and go out. Would you like that?”

He surprises me with this proposal. I’m angry. I really want to say I don’t feel like it. But maybe it’s actually a good idea.

When I agree, a smile appears on his face. He grabs my hand, helping me get up.

“Let’s go, then.”

By the time we manage to make it to the bike and climb on, I’m already a little weak. The sun really has no mercy today. But I don’t want to spoil the mood, so I pretend it’s okay. I drink a fair amount of water from the bottle. Ve starts pedaling, and after a while, we are in the middle of the lake. The view is worth the effort.

“It’s beautiful here.”

“I thought you would appreciate it.” He gives me a kiss on the cheek, takes my hand, and puts it to his lips, leaving a damp mark on its back.

I love him. However much he upsets me, I love that boy.

On the lake the heat is no longer so noticeable. The wind cools my body pleasantly. Ve jumps into the water several times, each time splashing some on me.

After going home, I get myself in order. A refreshing bath makes my mood stable again. Interesting. I need such moments to return to inner peace. I discovered this some time ago—after all those emotional rollercoasters, moments like those on the balcony, it’s sleep or just taking a bath that makes me go back to balance. It’s difficult not to be able to control myself. Those mood swings that literally rip through my head these days. Everything becomes exaggerated to cosmic proportions, and I am completely unable to do anything about it. I can only cry, laugh, get angry and sad all at once.

I’ve been waiting for Connor for an hour and a half. Where on earth has he gone? He was only supposed to go home and then drop by my place. When the knock on the door finally comes, I’m irritated again.

“Hey, what took you so long?” I put on my shoes, and we go out for a walk.

“Uh, well, I went with Ted to the water to help them lay out the net.”

“I get that, but couldn’t you let me know? I was waiting here, completely in the dark.”

“I met them on my way home, and they offered me a ride. Listen, they’re going there for the night. Can I go with them?” He cracks me up with that question. On the one hand, it’s cool that he asked, but on the other… I don’t like it.

“Why do you want to go with them? For the night? Who’s going to be there?”

“We always do that in the summer, you know? The guys will be there and I don’t know who else. I didn’t ask.”

“Why don’t you ask me to go with you?”

“Because I know you wouldn’t like it. You know, the tent, the bugs, the cold, and the mosquitoes.”

It’s hard to disagree with him—it’s not my vibe—but I’m still sad that he’d rather spend the night with them than with me. That fucked up feeling of rejection again. You’re not good enough for him to want to spend time with you. I feel terrible. Tears are involuntarily coming to my eyes. I can barely put a sentence together, because inside I’m already shaking all over. Every cell in my body is now recalling this awful feeling, again filling me with this terrible emptiness. I can feel myself falling apart.

“Connor, are you aware that this is looking worse and worse? Every day I feel like a fifth wheel. You leave without telling me anything, you treat me like air. What the heck was that on the field last time? You went off without me, without letting me know you would be gone. And when I finally found you, you acted like I was invisible. What the fuck are you playing at again? Are you bored or are your buddies messing with your head again? I don’t want to constantly compete for your attention, because as you can see, I’m already losing.”

“What are you talking about, Abigail? You never let me do anything.”

Damn, he’s right. That’s the fear of what must inevitably come. And it does come. Paradoxically, the more I try to forbid him in order to get things under control, the more he slips out, suffocating. I, at least, would do that. It might make sense, but right now I can’t handle it, so I do the only thing I do best in a crisis situation—I get hysterical.

“Connor, if you go, I’m going home.”

“Abigail, if you go now, I won’t come to you again.”

I fall into an abyss that welcomes me with open arms.

“Your choice, Connor.”

I turn on my heel and head off, away from him. I need to calm down. He doesn’t follow me, which pushes me even further into the clutches of the dark void of pain and fear.

When I lift my head, I see that I have reached the pitch. Familiar faces are playing volleyball, so I decide to join in. I need to unwind.

“Hey, Lizz, can I join in?”

“Sure, come on in, we were down one person anyway.”

After twenty minutes I feel better. A few spikes and tips allow me to calm my tangled thoughts. I’m turning toward the pitch when I bump into someone taller than me. I immediately know who it is, as a familiar current sweeps through my body. I raise my head and meet Ve’s inscrutable gaze.

“What are you doing here? You said you wouldn’t come.”

“I’m not here for you. It’s not my fault you’re here.”

His words hurt my heart, piercing it to the core. I feel humiliated, I want to escape as quickly as possible. Tears flow into my eyes again. I try to squeeze past him, but he grabs my hand.

“Hey, where are you going?”

I don’t want to look at him. I try to break out of his grasp. No chance. He pulls me close and embraces me around the waist. This affectionate gesture momentarily melts my anger. He is the only person who has the ability to kill me in an instant and bring me back to the living. I hate myself for letting him have such power over me. I have absolutely no strong will when it comes to him. Just a glimpse of those beautiful eyes, one smile and I’m doomed.

If he goes camping, I’m not going to survive. I know, it’s sick, but it’s beyond me. What happened in my childhood that makes me react so hysterically? I mean—I’ve already discovered a lot of factors that contributed to me being so messed up now, but some behaviors I still can’t grasp. Much less control.