Page 34

Abby

“Come on, girls!” The boys offer us a pipe.

Vicks breaks first. Iris follows in her steps. What the hell, I think. I’m in a gloomy mood.

“Send this shit my way.”

Vicky passes me the pipe. I take a few drags. Ivy refuses. She’s not missing much. I don’t know what the whole craze is about. Nothing gets to my head. Everyone is laughing maniacally and fooling around. Me? Nothing. I must be resistant.

Today I had a realization. If I want to catch Ve at home, I need to call him early in the morning. Is that the answer to my question of what to do? Yes, the universe never fails. It always answers your call. You only have to switch to receiving and listen.

When my first chance comes, I rush to the telephone booth and dial Connor’s number. My instincts were true—he picks up after a couple seconds.

“Hello?”

“Ve,” I say, stifling tears. “Honey, it’s me!” I can hear my voice breaking.

I tell him about the text messages, but he doesn’t know anything about them. He also seems sure it couldn’t be his friends who wrote them. Yeah, sure. I’m the bad one. There’s a strange note in his voice. Something’s wrong. I know it.

“Myro showed me the texts you sent him,” he says.

“Now I’m even more lost.” If he saw them, he should know how much I miss him and how sad I feel.

“What don’t you understand?” he asks.

“Nothing. Never mind. Take care,” I snap and hang up. I’m heartbroken! I want to cry.

I return to my room, and the cellphone in my hand vibrates. Fuck them! I’m about to delete the text without reading it, but I notice it’s from Ve, sent from Myro’s phone.

I’m clean since you left! I haven’t taken anything, I had no alcohol, and haven’t even smoked pot.

If it’s the truth… he’s sweet. I feel better already. But as soon as my spirits go up, another text arrives.

You are such a bitch! Why did you have to go and cry to Ve?! He won’t be with you anyway! You know how sweet he looks with Bridget, cuddling on a bench at the park?

Just fucking great! I’m instantly apoplectic. To calm down, I smoke two whole cigarettes. People go to the club again in the evening, but I stay in the hotel. I don’t feel like having fun. Maybe I’ll go to the disco on the last night, but would that make sense?

Ivy and I go to town. We buy ourselves some clothes. That’s our thing, a bit of a tradition of ours. We spend all our money on them, which means that we’re the only ones wearing outstanding outfits you can’t get back home very often.

Today the sun’s out at last, so we go sunbathing. In the evening, we come up with a genius idea—we’re going skinny dipping in the sea! Why the heck not? We find a secluded, dark spot at the beach. Ivy has a change of heart and leaves her underwear on, but the rest of us plunge right in topless. Ivy snaps photos. Wow, we’re so wild!

With the water photoshoot out of the way, we move to another spot where we can pose with spectacular effects—the rocks. We climb to the top and are doing some modeling, when a sound reaches us. Moaning. We stick our heads out and look down. Some guy is fucking some chick. Damn, that’s crazy!

Drained by all the fooling around, all four of us take a moment to cool off on a bench. We’re debating on how to say “lighter” in Spanish. Meanwhile, a guy on the bench across from us is fingering a girl. This city never ceases to surprise. We’re back at the hotel before midnight. On our way, we luckily managed to communicate our need for a lighter to a passerby.

In the morning, I call Ve again. I miss him so much, but it’s weird. It’s as if he grew accustomed to my absence. He talks with such… indifference. We’re going back in three days, and I’ll finally see my darling, but I’m afraid it won’t make a difference to him. Curious, these feelings inside me. Am I fooling myself or is he actually growing distant? What the crap is this?! I miss him so goddamn much. First, he seduces me, intoxicating me with his very presence, and now he’s just going to leave me hanging? It’s like I’m on some fucking rehab! Or maybe it’s just his way of dealing with how much he misses me too? Maybe he’s really afraid I’ll hurt him? Maybe that’s why he’s withdrawn and closed off. I think I’m going crazy with all the thoughts, emotions, and feelings. I feel so, so bad. I need to blow off some steam, take my mind off these things.

Water World was the plan for today. Me and Ivy didn’t want to go, but her parents dug in her heels. She told them she wouldn’t go alone, and her friends don’t have the cash to afford it. Her poor parents decided they’d send her some more cash and pay for one of us to go with her. Iris and Vicks don’t go, so one of the adults has to stay.

We’re splashing and sliding at the water park when a bunch of Italians come over and ask if we’re going to the party tonight. I promptly tell them to go fuck themselves, which makes them leave, calling us names in their language.

I check my phone. Of course there are new texts. They are even worse than the last ones. Supposedly, Ve’s ex invited him to a party. She’s a “sexy ass bitch” and all the boys go hard as soon as she shows up. If they were in Ve’s place, they’d dump me without a second thought. There was also something about the thing between us heading south because Ve doesn’t trust me. Which would mean he won’t believe that I haven’t cheated on him and haven’t been drinking during summer camp.

It’s strange, because Ve told me he was a virgin. I know nothing about his past, but I didn’t think he had ever been with anyone. I’m starting to feel uneasy. There’s a new fear filling me, leaving a painful stab in my heart. I think I’m going to puke.

In other texts they call me names, like ugly whore. They even disrespect Vicks. Fucking idiots.

Add to that Ve’s silence, and I’m growing really suspicious. I feel horrible. I can’t imagine what would happen to me if even one of those texts had a grain of truth in it. I won’t survive a breakup. I’ve never, ever loved anyone this much! Fucking hell, I keep bringing this shit on myself! I knew it like this would happen. The question is: am I some fucking seer that can see the future, or is it just my fears and beliefs that caused this clutter of thoughts that decided to become reality all of a sudden? That’s beyond me. No way to be sure. I have no idea what’s fact and what’s fiction.

After returning to the hotel, I put on Ve’s shirt and breathe in his scent. The girls went somewhere. Ivy’s asleep. I’m sitting on the terrace and watching the stars, like every night, thinking that somewhere out there my Connor might be doing the same, thinking about me. Eh, stop kidding yourself, Abby.

Why is Ve so difficult to talk to? Why does he rile me so much? Why can’t he speak plainly? I still suspect he’s hiding something, that he isn’t telling me everything. There’s always that fucking question mark hovering above us. What does he really think? What does he feel? One thing’s for sure: he’s never overly effusive in what he says. I wonder if he’s so self-focused or he simply doesn’t care. Why am I the one who always gets stuck in that fucking loop? That same one I was in before I met him? And again, there’s that feeling of insufficiency. It destroys me. It’s such a burden. I can’t breathe. How do I fight it? How do I fix it? It’s so goddamn difficult!

I get up for a while, put on some music, grab Ve’s photo, and return to the terrace. If he didn’t care, if he didn’t love me, he’d already have fucked me and dumped me, right? Guys can’t talk about love and that’s a fact. But his first “I love you” sounded sincere. He didn’t only say it to score. No! He can’t hurt me. He told me he never would, and I trust him.

I call Ve first thing in the morning. He tells me he’s not going to the party, so I shouldn’t freak out. He’s going to come over on Saturday at eleven. Then he says he’s sorry that he hasn’t texted me, but he was going from one doctor to another.

I feel better already. Interesting… I only had to listen to what my heart was telling me, ignore my stupid head, filled to the brim with irrational fear. My heart! It reminded me of his promises. That was enough to change the direction our conversation was taking.