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Abby

The winter break for our region starts in the second week of January. My parents are going to Daisy Valley today. I finish the semester with a GPA of 3.8. I don’t like that, especially that I had to fight for better grades in some courses. The teachers’ decisions are a mystery to me. For example, a guy whose average said he should get something between an E and a D got a D minus. And I was supposed to end up somewhere between a D and a C and got a D minus too. That’s bullshit. And this was repeated across the board. I should have a GPA of around four. I’ll get a proper dressing down at home, I’m sure. Well, tough luck. I’m not about to explain myself to anyone. They won’t get it anyway. And our school system is stupid. It’s unfair and discouraging, and the grades don’t reflect the students’ knowledge and skills. In most cases the grades are a reflection of the teachers’ favoritism. Why bother? I’ll manage one way or another. I don’t need a good GPA for that. Though, if my plan is to come to fruition, I need to get some better grades. Otherwise I won’t be excused from the oral part of the exams, and I can’t imagine myself passing all the tests—I read exactly none of the required books.

Right after my parents pack and leave, we decide to go to Edge Vibe. There’s Lizzy, Madeleine, Vicky, Nicky, and—to my surprise—Roger and Ralph. That can’t be good. I can sense their stares on me the whole evening.

I’m leaving the toilet at one point and feel someone grabbing my wrist. I spin around and see Roger.

“Can we talk?”

I glance around nervously, making sure nobody sees us.

“What about, Roger? This is not the best idea.”

“Listen, are you still with Ve?”

“Yes. Why are you even asking?”

“Let him know he needs to chill out and drop it.”

“Drop what?” I’m beginning to feel anxious.

“You don’t know?”

“What don’t I know about?”

“He’s been loitering around my house a couple of times. From what I gather, he and his buddies are planning to beat us up. For you.”

“What the fuck? This is too much. Fucking childish!”

“I’m just saying how it is, Abigail. Right. I won’t stop you anymore. You look gorgeous, by the way.” He walks off, leaving me in shock.

This has to be some kind of misunderstanding. I’m too drunk to talk to Connor right now.

We’re home before two. I don’t remember a thing more. I pass out.

The next day I recall what Roger told me. I don’t want to talk about it, though. I feel too good. We’ve been so great with each other lately.

Ve leaves. I clean up the house, thinking about what Roger said. What’s wrong with Connor? Why is he so obsessed with Roger and Ralph?

It’s four in the afternoon when the intercom buzzes. It’s Ve. He walks in, kisses me briefly, and I can already tell his mood has changed again. Something’s wrong. Whenever he leaves, something destructive happens.

“What’s happening, Ve?”

“What do you mean?” he grumbles.

“I don’t know. Your energy has changed. I can sense it. What’s the matter?”

“I don’t know if I want to talk about it, Abby.”

“If it’s something that made you feel bad, you should tell me.”

“You’re still attracted to Roger, aren’t you?” he spits.

Jesus, this can’t be happening.

“Oh, God, you’re asking seriously?

“Why would I joke about that?”

“Ve, I already told you hundreds of times. I don’t have a crush on him. There was Ralph and Mark after him. And what the hell are you talking about anyway?”

“I don’t know. People say you ogled him all the time at the club. And you talked to him. Ted said you looked at him like you wanted to suck him off.”

“Let’s make this clear once and for all, Connor. Firstly, I don’t fucking care what your idiot friend Ted says. It’s another desperate attempt to break us up. Remember? They already did that once. You defended them back then, too. I have absolutely no influence on what you want to believe, but I don’t understand why you let them manipulate you like that. They’re pulling your strings because they’re pissed that I ‘took you from them’.”

“Bullshit.”

“Do not interrupt me if you’re interested in what I have to say. It’s sad to see how gullible you are. They’re playing you like a fiddle. But yes, Roger chatted to me when I was leaving the toilet. He asked if we were still together. I told him that we were. He asked if I could tell you something. He told me you should drop it and stop standing around his block with your buddies.”

I decide to leave out his comment about how I looked. Best not to escalate this.

“Now compare what Ted made up with my version. Pick whichever one you like better. And yes, I know I don’t control what you think, so I’m not going to make an effort. I was going to ignore that, but since you brought it up yourself, I’d like to know why you keep hanging out by his house. Is that what you do when you’re late for our meetings or forget to tell me where you were and what you did?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Really? That’s how you’re going to play your cards? Why can’t you just tell me the truth?”

“Listen, I’ve had enough of this. We go to a party, and you’re making eyes at your ex, then talk to him like I’m not there, and additionally believe this bullshit.”

“I made eyes at no one!” I cry out.

“As to my friends… Well, there’s fifty percent of truth in all rumors, you know?”

“Oh yes? Let’s go with that, then. What should I think about the rumors about what you did when I was in Spain? Are they half-true, too? Did you fondle Bridget?”

As always, he ignores whatever he doesn’t like to hear. He’s not used to someone being as incisive as I am. I can connect the dots and make stinging retorts. Everybody buys his stupid little lies and gets manipulated by him. They all fall straight into his traps and feel guilty. He sets those for everyone who so much as tries to decipher Connor’s true intentions and uncover the truth about him.

“If you don’t understand what I’m telling you, maybe dye your hair blond.”

Whoa, those are some serious words. He’s hitting where it hurts. Just to pull the attention from himself and not have to explain his own lies.

“Think about it real hard. I don’t trust you anymore,” he snaps. “Anyway, you can go to your lover right now. You don’t have to be scared. I won’t cause you any problems if you pick him over me.”

I can’t believe it. I’ve never heard that many ugly words from him. He gets up and just leaves, and I’m sitting here, split into a thousand pieces. I can’t get my shit together. I don’t understand what this was about. He’s looking for a pretext to spend less time with me, or maybe he really believes his buddies and now wants to show them what a tough guy he is. Why does he believe them? Doesn’t he see it’s just another of their plays and he’s getting pulled in? I don’t have the strength for this.

I go to Nikki the next day and tell her everything.

“This is crazy, Abby.”

“I know…” I mutter, glancing at my watch. “I need to go. Thanks for the coffee.”

“Want me to walk you?” she asks with concern.

“No, Nikki. I need to think.”

“Just don’t overthink it. It’s like your grandma always says: let the horses do the thinking—they have the biggest heads.”

I smile. Grandma dearest really does say that a lot.

When I arrive at my block, I see Vicky on the balcony. I call her, and we take the elevator to my place. I tell her too.

“I can’t believe he said that. So corny, don’t you think?”

“You think it’s a pretext to kick up a fuss for no reason?”

“I’m not sure, Abby…”

“I have a weird feeling that all this results from his low self-esteem. One time he said that he didn’t believe he could be with someone like me. I was out of his league in his eyes. Maybe he still thinks that. That he lacks something. That he isn’t enough. I try to put it in order in my head and recall countless situations where that could be true.”

“What are you saying? He thinks he doesn’t deserve you? That someone else will show up and offer more than he does, and that you’ll dump his ass?”

“More or less. But that’s bullshit. Nobody can offer me more than he does. Nobody compares to Connor. Nobody. Never.”

“Maybe tell him that.”

“I thought that was pretty obvious. But maybe it’s not for him. Listen, let’s go to the Den, shall we? Maybe he’s there. I want to talk to him.”

“You really think it’s a good idea?”

“I don’t know. But I want to try.”

Vicky adds nothing, just puts on her shoes, and we leave. I see Ve as soon as we’re nearing the Den. I walk closer and stop where he can see me, but he doesn’t. He’s so stoned, he’s totally absent. There’s also that girl who hangs around with them. I don’t know what she’s counting on, but she’s hitting on my man. She’s stroking his arm and bugging him. He shifts closer to her and wraps his arm around her. I freeze. He’s hauling me over the coals when I talk to Roger and he’s hugging that skank, knowing full well I hate her? It doesn’t matter if he’s angry or not. Of course his friends are pretending not to see me too. They’re trying to pull his attention from me. I even think they’ve provoked this whole situation just to make him wrap that arm around her. I glance at Victoria. She says nothing, but I can see she’s feeling awkward. I don’t know where I get the courage, determination, and energy, but I break into motion and approach the girl, shoving her hard enough to throw her off balance.

“You slut! You put your hands on my Ve one more time I’ll fucking punch those crooked teeth out of your stupid mouth!”

Victoria appears at my side and pulls me away. The rest, Ve included, stand stock still. I spin on my heel, take a step in his direction, and slap him in the face. I twist away and leave. He doesn’t even flinch. I don’t care if I disrespected him in front of his buddies. He treated me worse. Fuck double standards!

“What a shame,” Vicky mutters. She says no more.

I realize something sad. Before we met, this was his reality. This or even worse. I thought I could help him, spark some ambition in him. I thought my love for him, my effort, would make him want to do something with his life. That situation showed me that my hopes were all false. He has so little self-confidence, he believes every little thing that would confirm he’s not good enough. It’s ironic that I fought with the very same conviction for all my life. But I don’t know what could have happened for me to do such a thing and get involved in such a manipulation. It’s hard to understand. There’s a great rift between us. I’m ambitious by nature, but Ve has nothing even resembling aspirations. What he has is enough for him. His friends, drugs, alcohol, impressing his peers. Then I showed up and ruined everything. I smashed his everyday reality into pieces, making him work on himself. Making him change. But is he ready?

We arrive at our block and go to our respective apartments. Victoria didn’t say a thing during the walk back. She couldn’t believe what she saw either. I can’t sleep. I’m still thinking. Six comes and I get up, take a shower. I can’t do it. I just can’t. It’s not me. I need to fight for him. I’d never forgive myself if I gave up now. I need to know I did absolutely everything to get him out of this mire.