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Connor

I spin in my bed, trying in vain to fall asleep for a few short moments. My head is going to explode. I’m not sure I like it. I’m losing control over myself, and she’s gaining it. What if I drop my guard and someone takes her away from me? Worse, what if she’s playing me like a fiddle, and the guys have been right from the beginning? She’s good at this stuff. Shy and nervous on the one hand, but then she switches modes all of a sudden and looks like she knows what she’s doing as if she’s been doing it for a while. Plus, I think she’s got it easy in life. She seems to be afraid of her dad, but other than that, she gets whatever she wants. I still think she’s out of my league. Or maybe she’s acting on instinct, feeling the same as I do? Maybe she can also sense this strange attraction as if we knew each other for years? As soon as she shows up, my heart and my body fill with this intense heat. I’ve never felt that before. Maybe she feels the same. Goddamnit! I can’t do this anymore!

I get up, dress, and walk out into the night. I light up a cigarette and walk around the block. I put on my earphones and listen.

I sit on a low brick wall and stargaze. Somehow that always calms me down. I think I feel a connection to the stars. I haven’t discovered why that is, but it seems to work each time. My breathing slowly gets back to normal. It might be time to go back to bed. It’s fucking freezing out here. I sneak back home, trying not to wake anyone up, and manage to stay silent. As soon as I’m in bed, I fall asleep.