Page 88 of Ceremony of Lust

He kneels in front of me and covers my hands with his. “It’s okay. I have been very selfish lately, and this is one gift I’ve been eager to give you for so long.”

I start to untie the white ribbon around the box, but Zev stops me. “Wait.” His eyes are closed, and he looks almost pained, but the moment quickly passes. “I’m sorry. It’s just…”

“It’s too much,” I say. “Everything we’ve gone through this past year, it’s too much. Everything we’ve dealt with today is overwhelming.”

His lips relax into a shy smile. “Yes, absolutely. I feel like everything will change when you open that box, and I’m not prepared. I’m not prepared to lose you, Yael.”

I’m speechless. The only answer I have for him is to open the box. He looks so nervous as I lift the lid and get my first look at the gift inside.

“It’s a heart,” I say, reaching inside to lift it. The red, translucent heart is made of glass and heavy in my palm.

“It’s mine, Yael. I’m giving you my heart. It’s the only thing I have to offer you.” His hand covers mine, holding the smooth object steady between them. “No matter what happens between us, my heart will only belong to you. I’ll never love anyone else the way I love you. I don’t think I’m capable of it anyway. You’ve ruined me forever.”

“Why are you saying all this?” I whisper, trying to choke back my emotions.

“Because I’m afraid that when I wake up tomorrow, you’ll be gone.”

I place the heart back into the box and set it aside. “Zev, I’m not going to leave during your family’s time of need. I wouldn’t do that to you or to them. I share your loss and grief because I am a Landau but—”

He presses a finger over my lips. “Don’t say it. Please, don’t say it, sweetheart. I know what’s going to come next, and honestly, I can’t stop you from making that decision. You did not ask to be married to the Chief Elder, and I cannot ask you to carry the burden of being my wife now.”

I reach up and take hold of his hand, holding it against my own heart. “You took away my choice, Zev. You said it was to protect me, for my own good, but don’t get I get a say in this matter? I was a fool to think you were different.”

“So where do we go from here? You tell me, and I will follow your lead.”

He doesn’t claim to be different. He doesn’t tell me I wasn’t foolish and that hurts most of all because I desperately want to be wrong about him.

I drop his hand and scoot off the bed, brushing past him. “We’ll get through the next few days together. Your family needs us. Our problems can wait.”

There is no more discussion for the rest of the night. And when I emerge from the bathroom after washing up and changing into my pajamas, Zev is no longer in the bedroom. I step out into the hallway and notice a light on downstairs, most likely coming from his office. Carefully, I creep down the stairs, exerting all my effort not to make a single sound.

I want to watch him, to look at him, and to admire his handsomeness.

He sits behind his desk, leaning back in the chair with his elbow propped on the arm and his head resting on his splayed fingers. He’s staring at his computer screen, gnawing on his lip. The cuffs of his shirt are undone, and the sleeves rolled up. His collar is unbuttoned, revealing a hint of his chest and after glancing down, I notice his feet are bare. His face hasn’t been shaved in quite a while, but he still takes my breath away. He’s a beautiful man and my entire body aches to be close to him.

A moan escapes his lips. It’s quiet at first, but it gets louder until I realize he’s sobbing. His entire body shakes as he cries. The light from his computer screen illuminates the tears as they trail down his cheeks. I’m invading his privacy, and I should leave, let him have this moment of raw emotion, but I can’t bring myself to walk away. I won’t abandon him, even if he doesn’t know I’m there.

Then he swipes his cheeks, breathes in deep, and sits up, leaning forward as his fingers fly against the keyboard. For a second, I wonder if his eyes will flick over to the doorway and catch me staring because then I’ll have an excuse to let the cord connecting us pull me into the room, into his lap, into his embrace. Instead, I step back and head back up to our bedroom and wait for him.

The moment he slides into bed, my eyes pop open. The bed shifts as he settles into the plush mattress, and my breath catches in my throat as I wait, wondering if he’ll reach for me. My body is tense with anticipation, waiting for his touch, his kiss, his comfort.

He sighs loudly, and I picture him struggling with what to do. Finally, I feel the weight of his forehead against my back and the heat of his hand on my shoulder before he turns away.

When I wake up, he’s gone again.

The entire day is a blur. I run on autopilot for the entire day as I help Beverly and Isabella make arrangements for Jacqueline’s funeral. Her husband, Serge, is quiet and stares a lot, but her son, Anton, is a sweet little chubby-cheeked toddler who is a happy distraction from grief.

Zev and his father work to select readings for the temple service, and I find myself passing by his office frequently, to catch glimpses of him, to catch hints of his scent.

Fraser shows up midday and he seems surprised to see me but then asks to see Zev. From the grim expression on his face, I don’t think he wants to discuss Jacqueline’s death.

“He’s in his office,” I tell Fraser, pointing down the hallway.

Beverly and Isabella call for my assistance and even though I walk over to them, my eyes and ears are trained on the hallway, waiting for any sights and sounds of Fraser or Zev.

“Yael.”

The sound of my name and the tone of his voice makes everyone stop. My body seems to rise automatically as I excuse myself and walk toward Zev’s office. Fraser walks out just as I reach the door, and his expression is grim. Zev’s father is also in the room and has a similar expression on his face.

“I’ll leave you two to talk,” he says, placing a hand on Zev’s shoulder before standing up. As he passes by me, he stops, kisses the top of my head, and then leaves, closing the door with a click.

The air in the room is thick when it’s just the two of us. “Yael,” Zev chokes out, his voice cracking. His head lifts, his eyes meet mine and for once, I see just a hint of vulnerability in Zev’s expression. He’s always so strong but not now.

“What’s wrong? What’s happened?” My heartbeat increases, and sweat prickles along my brow. What more could we possibly handle right now? I rush forward to Zev and clamber into his lap, crushing myself against him.

What he says next is completely unexpected and changes everything.

“The police are going to charge me with Leann’s murder.”

To be continued…