Page 44 of Ceremony of Lust

Yael’s fork falls from her hand as it clatters against her plate before she bolts from the table.

“Nothing yet,” I say in a low voice.

“Is there a problem?” my father asks. What he’s not saying is, “Is there a problem with her?”

“I don’t know, maybe. Or maybe it’s just stress. It’s all she worries about.”

“Do you want me to talk to her?” my mother offers.

“Thank you for offering but that’s not necessary.”

Three months we’ve been married and if Yael was going to get pregnant, it would have happened by now. Some weeks I feel we fuck constantly. No matter how often we have sex, she still hasn’t gotten pregnant. It worries her. She doesn’t think I notice the way she walks around the house as if the weight of the world is on her shoulders. It’s all I notice.

I wish I could shoulder some of the blame, comfort her by telling her maybe I’m the reason she’s not yet pregnant. But I’m not the reason.

I’ve gotten a woman pregnant before.

Yael doesn’t know that, though. In fact, most people in Ripley don’t know that closely guarded secret. If it got out, I wouldn’t be hurt by the information, but the people closest to me would take the biggest hit. My father’s career would be ruined. I couldn’t do that to my family.

“Maybe a meeting with Hadassah will help,” my mother offers. “It helped your sister.”

I shake my head. “No. I won’t send Yael to Hadassah. We’ll work through this. She’s young.”

My mother pats my hand and gives me the kind of smile only a mother can, the one that tells me she supports me no matter what.

“Will you divorce Yael?” my father asks gruffly.

“No,” I say adamantly. “The community might not like it, but I won’t do that.”

We finish dinner quietly, and every so often, I look toward the hallway leading to our bedroom, where I know my wife is probably crying.

“Thank you for having us over,” my mother says before she and my father leave. She kisses my cheek slightly. “The penthouse looks lovely. You did a wonderful job creating a home for Yael, but this is no place to raise a family.”

“You mean the family I’m not having?”

She pats my chest and winks. “You’ll have a family, Zev. Wait and see.”

When my parents leave, I bypass the bedroom and head straight for the bar. My mind goes blank as I focus solely on the task of fixing my drink. Shot of vodka. Splash of tonic. Squeeze of lime. Lots of ice. I don’t allow myself to think until I’ve taken that first sip.

Yael thinks it’s her duty to produce a baby. The society in which we were both raised taught her to think and feel that way. But what if I don’t want a child? What if, deep down, she doesn’t want a child either? Could we both live in a town where we would be ostracized for being childless?

The first families who settled in Ripley believed there were two ways to keep their fortunes secure. Through a merger, like marriage, and through a line of succession. The more children you have, the more heirs. No one can rightfully claim your fortune if you have four or five children. The Elders believe if Yael and I do not have children, we are jeopardizing the wealth of our families. But does that even matter anymore? Do we still need to hold on to irrelevant and antiquated customs?

The door to our bedroom opens and Yael’s soft footsteps brush against the floor.

“Your parents left?” she asks softly.

“Yes. They haven’t been gone long,” I tell her as I shift to face her.

She looks so sad, nothing like the vibrant, beautiful creature I courted and then married.

“I hope they aren’t angry I left the table.” She curls herself into a chair and places her chin on her knee. “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you.”

“You didn’t, and you don’t have to apologize.” I take a sip of my drink and then hold it out to her. She shakes her head.

“I’m not old enough,” she reminds me. Then she mutters, “I’m not old enough to drink, but according to the Elders, I’m old enough to have a child.”

“Yael, I’m confused. You’ve told me you don’t want a baby.” Her mouth opens instantly but I jump up and hurry toward her. “Don’t say a word. I just want you to think about what I’m asking and be honest. Doyouwant to have a baby?”