Page 85 of Ceremony of Lust

“How will it protect me? Who do I need to be protected from?”

“From me.” His voice is barely a whisper as his breath brushes against my skin. “You know the kind of man you married, sweetheart. You know I have skeletons deep in my closest and they’re going to come out. What I’ve done for the Elders will no longer be secret; it will all come out and I didn’t want you to get hurt by what people will say about me.”

Frustration rises in my chest. “I thought we were past this, Zev. I love you, no matter what you’ve done. Being married to you is the only way you can protect me.”

He smiles and brushes his fingers through my hair. “I know that now. The divorce was a mistake. You’re right. You are safe with me, and I can protect you. I’ll protect you both. I promise.”

“So what happens now? You’re the Chief Elder.” The funny thing about the past few days is they’ve allowed me to see my husband in a whole new light. My lust, and then love, for him kept me blind. Part of me wonders if this was his plan all along, if he’s always desired to be Chief Elder and maybe, I never noticed. The doubt in my head is so loud, it drowns his voice out as he discusses his plans. I can’t focus on the words coming out of his mouth, even though I want to, because all I can think about is whether or not he somehow manipulated our marriage to get this position.

The suspicion in my heart makes me feel sick. It feels like a betrayal of our marriage and my love for him.

“Yael.” Zev’s voice finally manages to cut through my noisy thoughts.

I’m slow to make eye contact because he knows I haven’t been listening. When I look at him, I see his confusion and his worry. I see the questions swirling in his own brown eyes, which sometimes seem to be a reflection of my own.

“Is this what you’ve wanted all along?” The question slips unexpectedly from my tongue. We’ve always been honest, or at least tried to be honest with each other, and why should I hide my own doubts from him? It does no good to silently mistrust him while pretending everything is back to normal. “Have you always wanted to be the Chief Elder?”

He looks surprised. “No. Absolutely not. Why would you even think that?”

I pick up my purse, rifle through it, and grab my phone. “Because this is how I found out about tonight.” My hand shakes as I show him the screen with the anonymous text message I received, telling me to come to the Temple tonight.

He takes the phone from my hand. “Who sent you this?”

“I don’t know but what if they hadn’t? When were you going to tell me?”

“Tonight, after the ceremony,” he says, but I’m not convinced. He gives me back the phone and stands.

“You should have told me before it happened. When we were married, I asked to be your equal—”

“I’m your husband, Yael. I don’t have to explain every decision I make to you.” The way he not only cuts me off but snaps at me steals my breath. It’s like a sharp slap across my face or a punch to the gut. Not once since we were married has he ever raised his voice or spoken to me in anger. He was supposed to be different than the other men in town. If he wasn’t, how could I fall in love with him?

I feel hot tears stinging my eyes. I do not want to cry in front of him, to show him how badly he’s hurt me. I hurry to stuff my phone back in my purse and stand, moving as far away from Zev as possible.

“So, now you want to be my husband again? After you delivered divorce papers on my pillow?” His mouth pops open, and I know he’s going to take it all back. I know he’s going to apologize and tell me he regrets what he said, or he didn’t really mean it. Because this is how men manipulate women in Ripley. “Maybe I should think about whether or not I still want to be your wife.”

Before he can stop me, I turn, open the door, and scramble through it. My heart and my mind are at war as I hurry down the hallway.Please don’t come after me, my head says while my heart has another wish.Open the door, Zev. Come and fight for me.

47

Zev

When the door closes,Yael takes my heart with her. It stopped belonging to me the moment I married her. I recognize that now. The walls I constructed around my heart were paper thin to begin with and it wouldn’t have taken very long for her to tear them down anyway.

Instantly, I regret every word I said, knowing their cruelty. I am not that man yet, sometimes, I have to be. Sometimes, Yael asks for too much from me. In the very beginning of our relationship, she asked me for love and equality. I never thought I’d be capable of giving her either but isn’t my heart full of love for her? So, why is it so hard to provide her with equality? Because stepping into the role of Chief Elder means we will never be equals. It means keeping secrets from her.

I’m not a man who gives up easily. I fight for what I want, and I want Yael, her love, our growing family, and happiness.But what if she doesn’t feel the same?

Then nothing matters and I risked everything only to gain nothing.

Even though the ceremony is over, and I am officially the Chief Elder, there are duties I must perform. I’m supposed to show my gratitude for those who chose me, but I can’t bring myself to join the town for even the slightest celebration. I can’t bring myself to face my parents knowing how much they love Yael. The pride on my father’s face would certainly disappear and I liked seeing it much more than I’d care to admit.

I gather up my things, open the door, and quietly slip into the hallway, hoping to avoid anyone who might come looking for me.

“Son.” My father’s voice booms in the hallway and I stop in my tracks. I spin on my heel and see him and my mother standing at the far end. Even from a distance, I can see my mother’s red eyes and tearstained cheeks.

“What happened?” I ask, rushing toward them immediately. “Is it Yael? Did something happen to her?”

“No,” my father says, slipping his arm across my mother’s shoulders. She leans her head against his chest, her eyes closed as fresh tears stream down her cheeks. “It’s your sister.”