Page 50 of Ceremony of Lust

“You want to move? Where?”

“Here. Let’s move here, to this neighborhood.”

“We can’t just move to this neighborhood. For one, it’s a very expensive area to live. All of these homes are well over a million dollars.”

I shrug. “So? You don’t know much about me, do you?” Then I explain to my husband about the very large inheritance my grandfather left my mother, which then went to me and which I can only touch with the permission of my husband.

“You’re not buying us a house,” he says with a scowl. “I will not be beholden to my wife.”

“Zev, please. You said it yourself, I’m different. Living here, away from everyone in Ripley, away from Hadassah and the Elders . . . it could change our lives.”

“Only a few days ago, you told me you weren’t sure whether you wanted to have a baby. And today, you’re ready to pack up and buy a nice family home with a white picket fence. I’m confused, Yael. What changed?”

“You were honest with me.”

Zev’s moment of honesty was like a light switch. It made the possibility of everything yet to come more exciting. It made me look toward the future with hope. At eighteen, I don’t necessarily want to be a mother, or married to a man fourteen years older than me, but it’s all a part of the life I’ve lived, the community where I’ve grown up and I can face all of their expectations without fear as long as Zev is honest with me.

He settles the bill, stands up, and extends his hand. “Come on, let’s take a walk and see what we see.”

As we walk through the neighborhood, it’s even more lush up close and personal. The scents coming from the flowers still blooming in the early autumn are divine. Deep inside, I know this is where I want to live.

Up ahead, I spot a For Sale sign stuck in the front yard of one of the houses. I drop Zev’s hand and rush forward, eager to take a look.

Hidden behind trees and thick overgrown shrubbery is a white brick house with blue shutters. My hands wrap around the wrought-iron gate meant to keep strangers like me out of the yard. Two large picture windows face the street, and two stately white columns flank the wooden front door.

“This is it,” I breathe out.

“What did you say?” Zev murmurs as he walks up behind me.

Eagerly turning back toward him with a smile, I repeat, “This is it.”

I face the house again, admiring the way the last rays of the sun hit the windows just as Zev’s hands slide around my waist.

“It’s a nice house,” he says before placing a kiss just below my ear. “Come on, it’s time to go home.”

He tugs at my hand, pulling me away, but as we walk away, I keep looking back, sneaking a few more glances at the pretty white house with blue painted shutters. That will be our home. I know it.

28

Zev

The moment we arrive home,Yael bolts for the bathroom with the bag from the drugstore clutched in her hand. When she’s gone, there’s only one thing on my mind—what is her happiness going to cost me? She wants that house in the city so bad, but it’s not as if we can just move out of Ripley. Anders and the rest of the Elders will want something from me, and I fear what they will demand.

But Yael’s happiness is now intrinsically tied to my own.

I glance toward the bathroom door. She’s been in there for a while, which worries me. “Is everything okay?” I knock lightly on the door. “Yael?”

When she doesn’t answer, I try the door’s handle, but it’s locked. I press my palm against the door, close my eyes, and sigh. “Yael, it will be okay. We will keep trying and trying. Or we’ll stop. We don’t have to do anything. Please . . . sweetheart. Come out.”

The handle wiggles, and I take a step back as the door slowly opens. Yael stands there with her eyes pointed at the floor and a plastic stick clutched in her shaking hand. “It’s negative,” she whispers.

I step toward her, reaching out to take the test from her hand. I place it on the counter and then wrap her tightly in my arms. She clings to me, her entire body trembling with emotion.

“Divorce me,” she sobs against my chest.

“What did you say?” I pull back slightly and look down at her.

“I want you to divorce me, and then have me shunned.” Her eyes are red, and her cheeks are tearstained. “How can I possibly be a good wife if I can’t even get pregnant? How can I ever be good enough?”