Page 45 of Ceremony of Lust

She’s quiet for a long time but I notice the single tear slipping down her cheek. Finally, she says, “I don’t know.”

We each breathe out what seems to be heavy sighs of relief. I swallow down a healthy sip of my drink. “Maybe now you can relax,” I tell her with a wink.

“But what if I’m the problem?” she asks. The expression on her face isn’t fearful or worried. There’s no fear in her eyes. Just brutal honesty.

“We’ll keep trying. What’s that saying? If at first, you don’t succeed, try, try again, and Yael, in case you haven’t figured out, I enjoytryingvery much.”

“Do you want a baby? Two of us exist in this marriage, and sometimes I feel like I’m the one pressuring you.”

“You want the honest answer? No, I’m not sure I do. At least, not right now. We’re newly married and getting to know each other. You still cringe every time I tell you to fuck me.”

Her hands cover her ears, and she grimaces. “Why do you have to say that?”

“What do you want me to say instead? Make love to me? You don’t love me, and I don’t love you. But I do love the feel of your body against mine.”

“I don’t know! It’s just those words . . .”

Slowly, I advance toward her, like the wolf who stalks his prey. “They’re just words, Yael. Sometimes, I need you to tell me what you want. I’m not a mind reader.” When I’m standing directly in front of her, I work my belt free and unbutton my trousers. “This is my cock, Yael, and I need you to tell me when you want it and where you want it.”

She stares right at me, licking her lips.

“Do you want something now?”

“Yes,” she croaks.

“What do you want?” Her eyes flick up and she looks at me with such innocence, I almost feel bad forcing her to say the words.

“I want your cock.”

25

Yael

The momentI admitted out loud that I wasn’t sure I wanted a baby, a weight lifted from my shoulders. I felt freer and suddenly, being married was no longer this unbearable burden. In fact, it became tolerable.

In the back of my mind though, I still worry. Every time Zev and I have sex, I give myself one minute to think, “Will this finally be it? Will I finally get pregnant?” When I eventually get my period, I allow myself one minute of disappointment and then I move on.

The only problem now is how frequently Zev is gone for work.

One day, I catch him packing a few shirts into an overnight bag. “You’re leaving?”

He stands up straight. “I’m sorry. I have a few jobs I need to check on. I’ll be away only a few nights.”

“Why didn’t you tell me earlier? We’re supposed to have dinner with my Aunt Alyssia tomorrow night.”

“Then you’ll have to either reschedule or go yourself. I’m sorry, Yael, but I have to go. My clients are depending on me.”

He’s always gone, though. In fact, lately it seems as if he’s away more than he’s home.

“But you just came home,” I say with a pout.

“I’m sorry.” There’s a bit of annoyance in his tone as he stuffs the remaining items in his bag. “If I could send someone else, I would, believe me.”

He kisses me quickly before he leaves and then, that’s it. I’m all alone in my tower in the sky.

There’s no rescheduling dinner with my aunt, and going alone is a huge mistake. She takes one long look at me, and says, “No bun in the oven yet, Yael?”

“No,” I tell her with a roll of my eyes.