Page 76 of Ceremony of Lust

“So you want me to take over to keep you safe? So you can sit here in your pristine townhouse, safe and remain in a position of power?”

“No. I don’t want you to lead Ripley. The universe does.”

I pace in front of her, shaking my head. “You’re out of your fucking mind. The only thing I want is to live happily ever after with Yael. To make love to her every day, to raise our children together.” I stop and look down. “But I’m not going to get that, am I?”

“Anders gets his way eventually,” she says.

“It doesn’t matter what you want or what the ancient ones want, or even what I want. Rumors are circulating in town about me. I cannot lead a town of people who believe I’m capable of assaulting women.”

“If you want to become Chief Elder, I will make the path possible.”

I leave shortly after. I don’t give her a decision because my mind is racing. I shouldn’t have gone to see her since her revelations have only added to my confusion.

The drive to the safe house does nothing to help clear my mind. For once, I have no idea what to do. My life has not been free of sin. My face is known in Ripley; no doubt, it probably haunts the dreams of more than one woman. Becoming Chief Elder means exposing all my secrets, all my crimes. My entire life has revolved around inflicting pain on this community. How can I possibly step into a position like Chief Elder?

I trudge up the stairs of the safe house’s front porch, unlock the door, and step inside. It’s small, nothing more than a cabin with the barest necessities. I set it up while my company was taking care of high-profile clients. It’s been empty for quite a while, but it’s exactly what I need right now. My hand slips into my pocket and closes around my cell phone as I settle into a chair across from the bed. It hasn’t been very long since I left Yael, but every day we’re apart, my entire body yearns for her. I’ve never felt a longing this intense before. If I listen to Hadassah—if I take control of Ripley—it could all be over, and I’d be reunited with my wife before her birthday and before our first anniversary. But am I ready to face all of my accusers? Am I ready to atone for the offenses I’ve committed? It would be a risk, but is it worth taking to finally free myself of Anders and clear my conscience?

My hand draws back, taking the phone with it, and I quickly dial Yael’s number. When she answers, her voice is soft and sleepy. “I’m sorry to wake you,” I tell her. I lean back against the chair and sigh. She steals the breath from my lungs, even when we’re separated.

“I’m always asleep,” she says with a laugh.

“You’re growing our child inside you. You need your rest.”

She sighs, and I picture her face and her smile. “I miss you,” she tells me softly. “I miss you so much.”

“I know, sweetheart. I miss you, too.” Reflexively, I rub my chest, right over my heart, where the ache is the deepest. I ignore the ache in other parts of my body, even as I imagine what Yael looks like under me with her head tipped back, her mouth open, and her cheeks flushed from desire.

“Did your grandmother come for a few days?”

“Yes.”

“And my mother?”

“Yes,” she says with another sigh, and now I picture her rolling her eyes. “Do you have any other babysitters lined up, or can I be trusted to take care of myself?”

I laugh at her stubbornness. “There’s no one else,” I assure her. “I was worried because you were so sick. How are you feeling?”

“Better,” she says. “It’s more predictable now.”

We talk for a few minutes about absolutely nothing, about trivial things, and when we run out of things to say, a heavy silence hangs on the line.

“Where are you?” she asks.

“I can’t tell you that.”

“When are you coming back?”

One look at the scattered mess on the queen bed, and I know there isn’t an easy answer to her question. I have to be strategic in releasing information. But then I think about my visit to Hadassah and how easily I could end everything.

“I don’t know,” I tell her honestly.

Her slight sniffle is loud and clear. She’s crying. How many tears has she shed since I left? Too many. “Okay,” she whimpers.

“Sweetheart,” I murmur. “Sweetheart, please don’t cry. I’m coming back, Yael. I promise. It’s not easy to be away from you, to miss your body blossoming with our child. I want to kiss you and taste every inch of you. I ache for you. I’d do anything to come home right now and be with you, but I can’t.”

“Why not?” she howls. “You’re the boss. Have someone else take over. I need you, Zev.Please.”

“You don’t know what you’re asking me,” I grit out.