Page 89 of Rah

“Solae!”

When I heard my mother’s voice, relief left my body in such a rush that my knees got weak. I ran down those stairs lookingfrantically amongst the people that were coming and going to and from court, for my mother.

Finally, I laid eyes on her standing off to the side near the curb next to my father. When I saw that my mother was crying, I felt so guilty for putting her through this.

I ran towards them. As soon as she could, my mother threw her arms around me.

“I’m so sorry, Mama,” I cried as she held me tight and rocked me.

“Now, what are you sorry about?” I heard my mother ask over my sobs.

“For putting you through this.”

“Don’t be silly,” my father ordered. He put his arms around me and my mother as she continued to hold me. “That motherfucker deserved it. Son of a bitch.”

After a few more seconds of hiding from all of this in my mother’s arms, she let me go. My father ushered us both into his car a few feet away.

As we rode back to their house, I had so much more of an appreciation for fresh air and being free. I wanted this for the rest of my life so desperately that I was still crying because I wanted to beat this case so bad. On the way, my parents finally were able to ask me what happened the night I stabbed Rah since we were no longer speaking over recorded lines.

“I told the cops that he was hitting me and that I was defending myself, but...” Recalling that night made the tears in my eyes start to flow. “But I was lying.”

Sitting beside me in the backseat, my mother looked on in desperation as she held my hand.

“I just got so mad,” I admitted. “He was saying all of these mean things and blaming me for what happened to Essence, and I just...I just snapped! Oh God!” I began to freak out as Irealized what I had just said was what I had actually done. “What did I do, Mama?! I messed up–”

“Shhh. Calm down.”

“Don’t blame yourself,” I heard my father say from the front seat.

I was hyperventilating as my mother threw her arms around me again.

“Nobody has to know what really happened, except the people in this car,” my father said. “This is the very last time you tell that version of the story; do you hear me?”

I had heard him but my cries wouldn’t allow me to speak, so he pressed, “Do you hear me, Solae?”

“Yes.”

“We gotta get you a good lawyer. That public defender won’t be good enough.”

“Dad, do you know how much it will cost to get a lawyer that will fight an attempted murder case? I can’t afford a lawyer, and neither can you all.”

“Maybe we can sell the house, Bob,” my mother told him.

And that only made me feel worse “Nooo, Mama.”

I really hadn’t been thinking when I grabbed that knife. I just wanted to shut him up, to make him feel the pain that I was feeling, that Essence was feeling. I wanted to end his life the way he had ended mine by putting Essence in the position to get violated. But I wasn’t thinking about the aftermath; what it would do to my kids, my parents, my family.

By the time we got to my parents’ home, I was rushing out of the car and running up to the front door. I was ringing on the bell with a smile on my face. I just wanted to see my kids. I just wanted to hold them. I wanted to let Essence know that I was sorry for leaving herat a time like this.

Within seconds, the door swung open.

“Mommyyyy!” Elijah sang as he fell into my open arms.

“Hey, baby!” I cried as I hugged him tight and kissed his forehead.

As I walked into the house with him literally standing on top of my feet, I could hear Essence bolting down the stairs. She hugged me so tight that I felt her nails in my skin. I looked at her and when our eyes met, it was as if she was looking at me with pride.

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