Page 144 of Rah

I was going to prison.

“Oh God!” I heard my mother cry out.

I just stared ahead with bulging eyes. I couldn’t believe that I was actually going to prison. I had known that it was a possibility all this time, but I still couldn’t believe that I had actually been found guilty. It was hard to appreciate that I was only going away for a year because I would miss a year of my kids’ lives, when prior to them being taken away, I had never missed a day.

I felt like I had ruined my children’s lives. I had chosen the wrong man. And now, they didn’t have either parent because they would both be locked up.

I could feel my mother’s hand on my shoulder, but I couldn’t look back at her. I could hear another cry, most likely Kahlani’s. I couldn’t face them. I was too ashamed.

I had done this to hurt Rah, but all I had actually done was inflict pain on myself and family while giving Rah another win.

34

SOLAE

All week, I’d been doing everything I could to make memories with my kids.

We’d had movie nights that turned into sleepovers on the couch. We took trips to the park even when it was too cold to be outside. I let them get away with things I normally never would have, like staying up late on school nights.

Tonight, I sat on the living room floor between Essence and Elijah, helping them write wish letters for me to open when I got home. The idea had come to me earlier in the week, after another sleepless, tearful night. The letters were full of plans for when I came home, hopes for while I was gone, and sweet messages from the kids telling me how much they loved me and to stay strong.

I told them it was like saving up hugs on paper, so while I was away, I could read them and feel close to them.

“I wish you don’t be sad in there, Mama,” Elijah said without looking up from his paper.

“I won’t be, baby,” I lied around the boulders in my throat.

“You promise you’re coming back?” Essence asked.

“Of course. I promise.” My smile wobbled, but I forced it to stay. “It’s just a year. I’ll be home before you know it.”

Essence’s pen stopped moving. “But what if something happens to you while you’re in there?”

“Nothing’s gonna happen.” My voice cracked, giving my emotions away.

I couldn’t let them see me break. I stood up fast, mumbling about needing a glass of water, and hurried down the hall to the kitchen.

As soon as I was out of sight, I leaned against the counter. I bit my lip until it hurt to stop the tears burning at the corners of my eyes.

A moment later, I heard soft footsteps and then my mama’s voice behind me. “It’s okay not to be strong, baby.”

I shook my head, keeping my back to her. “I don’t want them to see me cry.”

She wrapped her arms around me from behind, resting her cheek against my shoulder. “They know you’re strong. But even strong people cry, baby.”

I could hear my father’s heavy footsteps behind us. He walked up and kissed the top of my head before leaning on the counter beside me. “Your mama’s right. Ain’t no shame in being scared. But you’re going to get through this, just like you’ve gotten through everything else.”

I swallowed hard. “It’s not just me I’m worried about. It’s them. Essence acts tough, but she’s scared. And Elijah…” My voice broke. “He’s still so young. He needs his mother. Both of them do. I don’t want them to forget about me or hate me for leaving them.”

Mama turned me around, so I was facing her. “They could never hate you.”

Daddy nodded in agreement. “You raised those kids right, Solae. They know who their mama is. They know your heart.”

I pressed my lips together, fighting the tears, but they still fell. “I just hate that I’m not gonna be there. What if they need me?”

Daddy angled his head dramatically. “Are me and your mama ghosts?” he joked, managing to make me giggle weakly. “They got us. You focus on keeping your head low in there, doing what you gotta do, and coming home. Me and your mama’ll handle everything else.”

Mama reached up and brushed the tears off my cheeks. “We’ll bring them to see you every chance we get, and we’ll make sure to answer every call so that you talk to them whenever you want to. You hear me?”