Page 50 of Rah

I barely even combed my hair that morning. The anxiety of being in court had left me helpless. I didn’t have the strength to do anything that morning. I just wanted my kids back. When my mother saw how disheveled I looked, she sat me down in the living room and brushed my hair. My father forced me out of the wrinkled black khakis and pink button up shirt. He found a nice sweater dress in my closet and made me change.

I didn’t care how I looked. I just wanted my kids. Furthermore, I wanted to lay hands on Rah for even putting me and his children through this. As we stood in the hall and waited, his audacity sickened me. The fact that the kids and I were simple pawns in a game to him made me hate his mother for birthing him, instead of swallowing the selfish, hateful bastard.

He didn’t even show up, though. He had turned our world upside down. He had most likely given my children nightmares that would never go away. And he didn’t even have the balls to show up. That is when the hurt in my heart turned into resentment. I despised his ability to breathe the same air as me. This was all a game to him. I resented that he was still walking this earth. I loathed the fact that I had ever been dumb enough to love such a bitter and hateful man.

For years, Rah and I were a family. We raised our children and gave them as solid of a foundation as we could as two parents that wanted to do the best for our children. That is what I explained to the judge as he questioned me about the charges brought against me. I cried and begged for my kids. Yet, on the inside, I cried for myself. I was disappointed in myself for being so involved in Rah that I didn’t see this in him. I wished that I had so that I could have kept his ways from affecting my children.

And that’s what I told the judge as I promised him that Iwould never hurt them. My eyes were relieved to see Elijah and Essence. Watching them as they entered the courtroom gave me back life. But seeing the dismay in their once-bright eyes drained the life out of me. The fear in Elijah’s immature eyes tore at my heartstrings. I just wanted to run up to him, hold him, and rock him, like he still liked to be. The sadness in his face was totally opposite of the all–out anger in Essence’s. She was pissed. I knew that, in her teenage mind, this was all me and Rah’s fault, and she hated both of us.

Yet, they told the judge the truth, that I would never lay a hand on them, and that they wanted to go home.

Their testimonies, along with the fact that Rah didn’t show up, were the main reasons why the judge said that I could have them back. Yet, a social worker would do home visits over the next few months to ensure that they were safe.

Having my kids back under my roof should’ve been the happiest feeling in the world. And in a way, it was. I had prayed and begged for this moment. But nothing prepared me for the tension that came with it.

Elijah was just happy to be back at home with his toys and video game. But Essence barely looked at me as she stomped through the living room. She flopped down on the couch with her arms crossed, eyes glued to her phone, and her face contorted angrily like the whole world was her enemy.

“Essence,” I said gently, “Do you want to talk?”

She rolled her eyes so hard I thought they’d get stuck. “About what?”

I clenched my teeth, swallowing down the anger. I knew she’d been through hell. Getting taken from me, beingdropped in some strange place, not knowing what was happening day to day changes a kid. I told myself to be patient, to remember she was hurting. But Lord, she was testing me.

“About what happened.”

She sighed loud and dramatically. “I know what happened. You messed up, and they took us away.”

I counted to ten in my head. “I know you’re upset, baby. I know everything that happened wasn’t fair. But you can’t keep taking it out on me.”

Her head snapped up, and the sharpness in her tone nearly sliced me in half. “Maybe if you had your shit together, none of this would’ve happened.”

Gasping, I quipped, “Watch your mouth!”

She turned back to her phone, thumbs flying across the screen like she hadn’t just ripped my heart wide open.

I had to close my eyes, breathe through it, and remind myself that I couldn’t put my hands on her with the state watching me closely.

“Essence,” My voice trembled from holding back my own emotions. “You don’t know what you’re talking about. It’s a long story that you wouldn’t understand. But you know that I have never done anything to hurt you and your brother.”

She didn’t even look up. My heart ached, but I sat there anyway, praying for strength.

My phone rang, thankfully giving me something to focus on, other than Essence’s smart mouth. Seeing that it was Priest, I stood up, slipped out of the living room, into my bedroom, and closed the door behind me.

“Hey,” he said before I even got the phone to my ear, like he’d been waiting on the sound of my voice all day.

“Hey you,” I actually purred.

“You’ve been quiet all day. Come grab some dinner and drinks with me. I’ve been thinking about you.”

I cringed. Since Priest had no idea what I was going through, I knew that my distance and difficulty would eventually push him away.

“I’d love to. But Elijah’s not feeling well,” I lied. “He’s got a fever or something. I can’t leave him.”

Priest didn’t press. “I hope he gets better. You sure you can’t pop out later? I’ll wait.”

“I can’t. Not tonight. I’m sorry.”

I wished that I could get away from my stress and worries even for a little while, but leaving my kids on their first night back home was not an option.