Page 31 of Rah

He didn’t say a word at first. He just wrapped me up in his arms so tight I could barely breathe. His hoodie smelled like cologne, weed, familiarity, and safety. I didn’trealize until then how much I’d been holding back. My face pressed into his chest, and I let out a shaky breath.

“Baby,” he murmured against my hair. “I’m so sorry. I’m so fuckin’ sorry you had to go through that.” He pulled back just enough to look me in the eyes. His hands held my face. “I swear to you, I’mma make this worth it. Whatever I gotta do, whatever it takes, I’mma make sure you never regret what you did for me.”

I wanted to tell him I didn’t need him to make it worth it, that I already knew I’d done the right thing. But the way his eyes burned into mine, full of guilt and gratitude, I just nodded. The truth was, I needed to believe him as much as he needed to say it.

SOLAE

“Mama, where are we going?”

Essence looked at me strangely after I suddenly made the right turn, in the opposite direction of our home.

“Don’t worry about it, baby,” I told her, attempting to keep my eyes on Rah’s car.

Initially, I’d exited the Dan Ryan on Eighty–Seventh Street. I was headed home. No matter how cloudy my mind remained, with thoughts and wonders of who this Aaliyah chick was, I was still able to spot Rah’s car a mile away.

That morning as usual he’d come home at about two o’clock. He tried to get some head, but I laughed, turned my back to him and his hard dick, and went to sleep.

I swear to God I would have done anything to just be able to fuck my man and act like nothing was wrong. I couldn’t ignore this hunch though. Honestly, I knew that most of the feeling was regret for letting Rah talk me into getting the abortion.

I can’t really put my finger on why I wantedthat baby after having procedures in the past with no feeling of regret at all. This time, I just felt ready. It was something that I wanted. When Rah constantly got his way, I didn’t understand why I couldn’t get mine for a change. Rah and I had been at this for fourteen years. I couldn’t understand why another child wouldn’t be ideal for engaged parents.

However, I was about to understand fully.

I stayed a few cars behind Rah, being as careful as I could not to be seen as I followed him back onto the expressway. He eventually exited on 95thand continued westbound. The further west we traveled, I wondered what the hell he had going on in that neighborhood. Rah had been raised in the hood. He never traveled far out as he grew up. Our home was nice, but it was still deep in the trenches of the South Side. Now we were in Beverly, where white folks lived, jogged in the middle of the street, and played golf.

I figured he must have been meeting Carlos or something. He was the only person we knew who would be in this kind of neighborhood. Still, I pulled over on a block behind him in front of a home lit up like the Macy’s Christmas tree downtown. It even had a full nativity scene in the yard.

Essence was too busy in her phone texting whoever to realize that I was snooping on her daddy. Elijah was still being pumped full of Tylenol for the pain in his wrist, so drowsiness had him knocked out in the back seat after a full day of last-minute Christmas shopping.

I watched as Rah got out of his Mustang and approached the beautiful home. My heart began to pound violently when he used a key on his key ring to enter the house.

I was too dumbfounded to make a move. I fought hard not to react in front of my children. Assumptions ran rampantly inmy mind as I tried to come up with a reason why he had a key to this home.

I didn’t need to make any assumptions, however. Facts smacked me in the face as Rah came back outside, now carrying a baby’s car seat. There was a thick blue blanket covering what I assumed was a child. What I did not have to assume was who the chick was that followed closely behind him. I quickly recognized her as the light–skinned chick from Moses’ party that was with Rah at the bar.

“Ugh!” I scared Essence as she sat quietly posting on Facebook on her phone.

She looked at me like I was crazy as I banged my closed fists on the steering wheel.

“Mama, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” I told her, trying to collect myself. “I’m sorry baby.”

Still, she looked at me like I was crazy as I started the car.

Mad was the least that I was. I felt violent. Sights of that baby filled my heart with so much rage. I grew sick realizing that this was the reason why I couldn’t have my baby.

I was sure of it.

I had been nothing but a good woman to him and a great mother to his children. I took care of our household and stood by his side while he fulfilled hood dreams. I was loyal and always had been. I didn’t deserve this.

Men are always talking about how they want an intelligent, independent, down ass chick. Then they get one and treat her in ways that only a stupid, needy bitch would accept. That day, he was going to learn that those two types of women didn’tcome wrapped in a bow.

I walked into the house shaking from the rage.

By the time I got the kids settled, I was breathing hard, like I’d just run a mile.

I pushed our bedroom door open so hard it hit the wall. I went straight for the dresser, yanking drawers open and throwing Rah’s clothes out.