Page 56 of Life After Me

Winter Becomes a New Spring

Jenn

My daffodils are nearly fully grown. They’ll be blooming as soon as there’s some sunshine, if sunshine is even something that exists here. It is going to be lovely. I can’t wait to see them.

I hope seeing some beauty here will help me feel better.

Lately I’ve been feeling more and more uncomfortable.

I don’t know what it is, but I’m restless and uneasy.

The feelings I had of being on edge are worse.

I feel nervous and slightly sick whenever I’m back in this grey place.

It seems to feel different here. Like the air is humming with anticipation of some big event. But I’ve no idea what.

Maybe something terrifying and wonderful.

The nearest I’ve ever come to this feeling before was when I was pregnant with Matty.

We wanted him so much, but we were both so young that it terrified me.

I think I spent most of the pregnancy swinging between worrying about all the things that could go wrong, how much it would hurt, and being incredibly excited that we were about to have a baby.

A terrifying and exciting event big enough to change everything. The thought of it leaves me cold. So I try not to think about it, or focus on it too much. Instead I’m spending as much time as I can with my family.

David is spending lots of time with Ruth. I honestly don’t know if their... friendship is going to develop into anything more permanent or important. But they will always be friends, even if nothing else works out. That friendship will be worth a lot to both of them over the years.

As I’m giving my husband some space right now, I’ve been watching over my children more.

Lottie has settled in well to a strange sort of domesticity with Stuart and his mad dog.

I didn’t really expect to see my daughter living with a boyfriend so soon.

I had always thought she was too independent — she’d always seemed to have a veritable allergy to the “slushy stuff” in life.

She was always the first one to complain and pretend to vomit over public displays of affection.

Then again, Stuart is a very unusual, special person. He just seems to “get” her. And he loves her dearly, maybe even more than he’s realised yet. My daughter adores him too. They make a good team. And he’s going to change the lives of so many kids in his work, he’s a natural.

Stuart supports Lottie in almost everything, and gives her the confidence to succeed in things she usually wouldn’t even bother to try. She’s succeeding in building a life and a career for herself.

But when she’s wrong, Stuart’s able to point it out and argue with her. And he’s very good at it. He’s perfectly capable of holding his own and standing his ground against her, but in a way that Lottie respects and listens to.

Even I struggled against Lottie’s passion and temper in the rare arguments that we did have.

For some reason my default setting when arguing with my daughter was yelling.

And she liked to yell back. It’s strange.

I could handle screaming, abusive children with the worst tempers at work, but not my own daughter.

Our rows always descended into screaming matches.

Thank goodness our arguments were rare occurrences.

Still, I’m glad she’s found someone who can survive an argument with her and come out unscathed. He sometimes even wins.

With Stuart in her corner, Lottie’s career is leaping on in huge bounds.

She’s had more of her work published in newspapers and magazines, and she’s building a fantastic reputation for someone her age.

She deserves it. She’s worked so hard. Things are only going to get better for her.

I don’t know if her work will make her rich, but it will make her happy.

There’s not much more I can ask for than that.

Lottie isn’t the only one doing well. Matty’s never been happier than he is at the moment.

He and Lucy are excitedly planning their wedding, and their future together.

It’s going to be a wonderful day. In the end, Matty decided his future with Lucy meant more than any career, and he’d happily follow her halfway round the world to make her happy.

She took the dream job and is loving it and Matty’s already lining up exciting new work opportunities.

They’re looking for a new home nearer Lucy’s office in York — but this time it will be a proper home for their future family instead of another apartment.

Until then, they’re only seeing each other at the weekends.

And I have to admit I’m glad they’re moving back to England.

York isn’t exactly that close to London, but it’s a lot closer than Edinburgh, and I’m glad they’ll be nearer David.

I wish I could have been there in a posh hat and dress that I probably would have spent months choosing.

But none of that really matters, because they’re ridiculously happy together.

To the point that they nauseate Lottie. But beneath the flush of wedding excitement and the joy of getting back together when they were so close to falling apart, there’s true love that should last them both a lifetime.

It won’t always be easy, and there will definitely be times when they’ll both wonder if they made the right choice. But so long as they remember they love each other, they’ll never go far wrong.

I am so proud of both of my children. Somehow, despite the mistakes David and I made along the way, both Matty and Lottie have found happiness and are building good lives for themselves.

They’ve grown into beautiful, successful, kind, loving people who care about others and always try to do the right thing.

The only thing that saddens me a little is that they don’t really need me anymore. Even if they sometimes think they do, they’re both intelligent, capable adults. I don’t think there’s much beyond their reach once they decide they really want it.

They do still have their dad, and each other. I guess I’m just being a little selfish for still wanting to be a part of all the wonderful things they’re going to do and see.

I think I finally understand. In my grey place, the daffodils have all bloomed together, bursting out into a sea of yellow and gold that waves and shimmers in a breeze I can’t feel.

There are thousands of them. Now that they’re all exploding with colour, I can see a pattern to them that I hadn’t noticed before.

The swirls and gaps cut into them are so familiar. They’re the daffodils from my school. The ones that David, Lottie and Stuart, and all my friends and students, and their parents, planted for me.

I stare at them in wonder. A whole field of glowing, golden daffodils, planted just for me, with love strong enough that it reached right into this grey world of mine. Right past death and to me.

Excited yapping came from somewhere far away, and the bright red rubber ball I’d been so carefully looking after slipped out of my pocket and bounced into the daffodils.

It vanished among the long green leaves, then reappeared from a different direction a few seconds later, bouncing crazily and followed by a blur of black and white fur. Daisy!

Silken ears were shoved beneath my fingers and a cold wet nose bumped against my wrist as she snuffled against me. She yipped and bounded away, darting into the daffodils.

After a few seconds she realised I wasn’t following her, and raced back.

She snatched her ball off the ground and danced away before I could catch her, then dropped to the ground.

Her back end was tensed and her tail wagged as she waited for me to come and play.

As soon as I reached for her, she shot away again, disappearing into the daffodils with a happy bark.

She was right. This time it was right. The daffodils seemed to call to me, waving and beckoning in the wind.

I bent down to bury my nose in one at the edge.

The instant my fingers touched the velvety petals, all the restlessness and worry that had been gnawing at me was washed away in waves of calmness and peace.

I stood to look at them, and tried to take them all in. They grew before my eyes, spreading out further than I could see, a shimmering, beckoning sea of golden scent. If I stayed here for all eternity I wouldn’t be able to count them all.

I stepped into them carefully, and my world turned into golden light so bright it was like the sun reflecting off a thousand, million daffodils, spread out further than the eye could see or the imagination could ever comprehend.

The light of the daffodils was so bright and so beautiful that the colours burned into my eyes. I couldn’t see anything except the bright gold petals shimmering and waving in front of me. Then I couldn’t see anything at all.

* * *

Ruth

I wrapped my hand more tightly around David’s, and tugged to pull him up the hill more quickly. ‘Come on slowcoach.’

‘It’s bloody freezing out here.’ His breath left white clouds in the air.

‘Are you mad? I should be curled up in the warm, not being dragged around the frozen streets by you.’ His foot skidded on a patch of ice that had been hidden by the snow and he growled as he fought to keep his balance.

I struggled not to laugh. ‘Why are we doing this again?’

‘I told you. I want to show you something,’ I explained. For the fifth time.

‘Couldn’t we have driven?’

I rolled my eyes at him. ‘Don’t be so lazy. We’re nearly there anyway.’

‘But there’s nothing up here except the back of the school.’

‘Exactly.’ I smiled at his confusion.

‘We’re going to the school? But why? It’s closed for the weekend.’

‘Maybe it is if you don’t know anyone with the keys. Lottie’s boyfriend lent me the one to the back gate.’

‘Why would he do that?’ David glared at me.