Page 13 of Life After Me

‘All right, all right.’ I gave in and tossed the ball, and laughed as she shot off after it, grinning from ear to ear. Within a few seconds the ball was back at my feet, Daisy beside it with her tongue lolling out happily. She barked hopefully and nudged the ball with her nose.

I scooped it up and threw it for her again, this time harder. She bounded after it, grabbed it, and streaked back towards me. I laughed out loud, glad to have found a friend in this dull, lonely place.

Then the game changed. Instead of bringing the ball back, Daisy dropped it a few feet from me. I stood and reached to pick it up, but she dived in and snatched it away from me, then raced away. She dropped the ball and looked back to me, tongue lolling out and tail wagging, wanting me to follow.

That was when I realised how much my world had changed.

While I’d been playing with Daisy, the grey had melted away to bright green grass and the sky had taken on golden and pink hues.

For the first time since I’d died, I felt warm, and the air was filled with the scent of daffodils and freshly baked pie.

Apple, cinnamon and walnut pie — the way my mum used to make it.

I’d tried the recipe myself a dozen times, but it just wasn’t the same — I didn’t have my mum’s magical way with pastry and spices.

Fear froze me to the ground as realisation dawned.

Daisy barked impatiently, wanting me to follow her.

I shook my head. I wasn’t ready for this.

If I followed Daisy, and I desperately wanted to, it would mean leaving David, Matty and Lottie.

It might mean giving up and accepting that I was dead, and leaving them all.

I might not be able to be part of their lives anymore, and I wouldn’t be able to support them and help them move on.

Daisy dropped the ball and ran back to me, darting around my legs and trying to nudge me forward.

‘No Daisy, no. I don’t want to.’ I tried to explain as she sat down and stared up at me in confusion, worry in her brown eyes.

I knelt down to comfort her, and she leaned against me.

Peace, warmth and love flooded through me, and in that moment, everything I’d experienced in my life made sense.

Every moment of pain and sadness faded away to be replaced by knowledge and understanding. Even my death made sense.

These were the things I’d chosen to experience long before I’d been born.

Things that I had to experience before I could move on again.

I’d been here before, many times, and this time I’d chosen to go back and help other people.

That’s why I had become a teacher, to guide others and help them experience the things they needed to.

I’d done everything I was supposed to, and lived the life I wanted.

Now that was over, I was being offered something far bigger and more wonderful than any words could describe.

All I had to do to get it was follow Daisy.

There would be joy and happiness, and peace so tangible that it was like being wrapped in a blanket, protected from harm, and sadness, and worry for ever.

As if you could wrap yourself up in love and light.

It was a place where I’d never feel anger, fear or hurt ever again.

I’d never be lonely, and I’d never suffer.

If I let it, I knew the warmth would take me over and fill me up, moving me to where I was supposed to be.

And then David’s face flashed across my mind.

I didn’t want to move on. Not yet. I didn’t understand it well enough.

How could I think of my family without feeling sadness or grief?

It’s important because you can only feel grief when you’ve loved someone or something dearly.

And grief is supposed to hurt. If this wonderful place was somewhere without grief and pain, then surely it meant it was somewhere I was supposed to forget my family.

I didn’t know how I could ever do that. I couldn’t see how I could move on to eternal peace and contentment when they were still hurting so badly.

Especially after I promised myself that I’d stay and help them.

I knew I’d still be able to watch over my family and see them live their own lives.

And I knew that when their physical lives were through they’d join me in the light, but the idea of seeing them and not hurting for them was too alien and scary for me to accept.

Even for a few decades that would pass as quickly for me as mere hours and days would for them.

Daisy whined sadly and pawed at my knee, and I realised this wasn’t really the Daisy I knew. This creature was brighter and more beautiful, and shimmering with golden light. A guide who’d come to show me the way home, but taking a form that would make me feel relaxed and happy.

‘No, I can’t come yet. It isn’t the right time for me.

’ I went to ruffle her silken ears but she ducked out of my way and streaked out of sight.

Pain hit me like a tidal wave, slamming over me and leaving me gasping.

The colour and warmth drained back out of the world, and I was left alone in the cold empty grey.

Panic gnawed at me and I fought the urge to yell for her to come back and take me with her. Had I done the right thing?

Just as I thought I couldn’t bear the pain and emptiness for a moment longer, Daisy reappeared, ball held proudly in her mouth and tail aloft.

She paused, her tail wagging as she invited me to play. I shook my head firmly, half-smiling at her persistence. It certainly seemed like Daisy. She gave a snort and half-shrug before dropping the ball on the ground and nudging it to my feet.

Instantly I understood. It was for when I was ready. The light would wait for me.

I picked the gift up and tossed it back and forth between my palms. My family still needed me. One day, when they were healed, then I would be ready. But not today. And now, thanks to Daisy, it’s my choice when that day will be.