Page 50 of Life After Me

David

Before I’d time to really think, or let the panic set in, Ruth knocked at my door. I wasn’t sure whether or not I wanted to see her. I mean, honestly, I’ve missed her, but I didn’t want to be around someone who made me think about betraying Jenn.

‘Bloody hell, you look awful.’ Ruth ran her eyes over me. ‘You’ve not been eating properly.’

‘Speak for yourself.’ Shock made me blunter than usual. I’d never seen her look anything except great, but she stood in front of me in a paint-stained jumper and scruffy jeans, and her hair was scraped back to show that she wasn’t wearing a scrap of make-up. ‘What happened?’

‘At least mine is by design.’ She grinned cheerfully.

‘I feel a right mess, but I’ve had an idea.

I’ll leave the skirts and boots at home.

I’ll wear my ugliest, oldest clothes and battered flat shoes, and I won’t do my hair.

I’ll even forgo the make-up.’ She paused and took a deep breath, and the next words came flying out quickly.

‘I like you, David, and I’ve missed you.

You make me laugh and I feel like I can really talk to you, and that you understand.

I don’t feel like I have to walk on eggshells with you, or pretend that I’m fine when I feel like crap.

I figured you can’t possibly be attracted to anyone who looks as much like a scarecrow as I do now.

So maybe this way we can still be friends. What do you think?’

I tried to hide my sigh of relief. I’d been driving myself crazy over the last few weeks.

I wanted to see her, and missed her company, but couldn’t betray Jenn.

I was so relieved she’d come up with a solution that I could have hugged her.

In a strictly “friends only” type of way. ‘I think I’d like that.’

‘Good.’ Ruth flashed me a smile that was distinctly un-scarecrow like, and I found myself thinking maybe her scruffy-dressing plan wasn’t quite as foolproof as she’d thought, but I didn’t care.

‘So, how have you been?’ She shot the question at me as she wandered into my house.

‘All right.’ I flashed her a bright smile, thrilled to have her back, but unsure of how to act. ‘You?’

‘About the same. Now, how have you really been?’

I rolled my eyes. ‘Bloody awful. Seems Christmas is on overdrive this year and determined to remind me of how miserable and alone I am.’

Ruth laughed, and, as cheesy as it sounds, I felt the weight lift off my shoulders a bit.

‘Me too,’ she admitted. ‘Usually Lisa does everything with me, but she’s not back from university yet. Decorating a tree by yourself is really...’

‘Depressing?’ I offered the word.

‘Yeah. Or it would have been if not for all the mulled wine.’ She grinned. ‘There was a lot of it. Still, at least your house has escaped.’

‘Ha. That’s what you think.’ I held open the door to the living room.

‘Wow. That’s a lot of tinsel and glitter. I especially like the Santa cushions.’

‘Yeah.’ I let the door swing shut. ‘Lottie did it. She knew I wouldn’t put decorations up myself, so decided to surprise me the other day. I left a relatively tidy, clean house to go to work, and came back to find Rudolph had broken in and thrown up.’

‘That’s a bit harsh,’ Ruth chided, trying not to laugh.

‘I know, it’s just a bit much. Lottie probably thought it would cheer me up.’

‘Do you need cheering up?’ Ruth’s question sounded innocent enough, but I couldn’t help noticing she kept her back to me as she hung up her coat.

‘Yeah. I guess maybe I did.’ My stomach growled and Ruth spun round and laughed at the look of surprise on my face.

‘Hungry?’

‘Yeah. Actually I am.’ I couldn’t remember the last time I’d actually felt hungry. Lately I’d just been eating because I felt like I had to, not because I wanted to. ‘We could order something in.’

‘At this time on a Friday it’ll take ages,’ Ruth argued. ‘Besides, I’m not sure I fancy takeaway. What have you got in your fridge?’

‘Nothing worth eating. I’ve not been shopping.’ I grimaced at the confession.

‘I’m sure we can come up with something.’

‘Want to bet on it?’ I knew what was in the fridge, and it was precious little.

‘Maybe. Depends on your terms.’ Ruth’s answer sent a shiver down my spine, and I made an effort not to watch her as she rummaged in my fridge. ‘Well there’s ham in here.’

‘Only because I’ve run out of bread.’

‘And you’ve got mushrooms, eggs and milk.’

‘Sounds delicious.’ I pulled a face.

‘Well if you’ve got some rice, it won’t be too bad.’ She dropped her finds by the oven and started to dig through the cupboards until she came out with a couple of small jars of herbs, an ancient bottle of soy sauce, and a dusty looking bag of rice.

‘Sorted.’ She grinned triumphantly. ‘It’s not exactly haute cuisine, but I reckon I can conjure up a special fried rice type dish. I should have set terms and conditions on that bet.’

* * *

I dropped the dirty plates into the dishwasher and watched Ruth as she sipped her wine. She looked up and caught me staring at her.

‘What?’

‘You’re amazing. I don’t know how you do it,’ I admitted honestly.

‘Do what?’ Ruth shook her head in confusion.

‘Everything. You’re so together and collected all the time. And you seem happy. I feel like I’m still struggling to get up and get through every day. How do you it?’

‘Well, time does help. I know I’ve said it to you before, and that’s a cliché, but most clichés are true. And Lisa was still young and at home. She needed me to keep going.’

We fell into quiet, only this time it was comfortable, but the question I’d been pretending not to think about was still bothering me.

‘What is it?’ Ruth smiled at me.

‘What?’

‘I just get the feeling there’s something you wanted to ask me. Go ahead and ask.’

‘It’s not important.’ I shook my head to try and clear it.

‘Just spit it out, David.’

‘Did you mean it when you said you’d thought of me... like that?’ I blurted the words out.

‘Like what? Oh, like that .’ Ruth blushed slightly. ‘Like I said, maybe.’

‘How do you do it?’ I stared at her. ‘How do you even think about being with me?’

She shrugged. ‘Well, we get on and have fun and laugh together. I like you, trust you, and you’re attractive. Why wouldn’t I think about you like that? Don’t look at me like I’m some sort of sex-crazed nymphomaniac.’

‘No it’s not that.’ I tried to reassure her. ‘I mean... what about your husband?’

She took a deep breath. ‘Chris isn’t here anymore, but I am.’

‘It’s really that simple?’ It felt like she was speaking another language.

‘I didn’t say it was simple.’ Ruth laughed. ‘You want brutally honest?’

I nodded. ‘Don’t I always?’

‘Chris getting sick was the worst thing that ever happened to me. I hated watching him suffer, and I hated both of us knowing he was going to lose the fight. I hated how long it took him to die, and how much pain he was in, but at the same time I hated how fast it all happened. But I’m grateful too. ’

‘Really?’

Ruth licked her lips and nodded slowly. ‘Sorry, I’ve never really tried to put this into words before.

The thing his illness gave us, ironically as it took it all away in the end, was time.

We had time together to take in what was happening and understand it.

Even though he was the one who was dying, Chris took care of me and worried about me right up until the last. We had time together to plan. ’

‘Plan what?’

‘Everything. We planned everything. From what to do with his car, to what colour I should paint the dining room, and how I should get the loft re-insulated before winter. We talked about Lisa and where she’d go to college, how we’d pay for her university, and how old she’d be before I allowed her to date.

We planned my fortieth birthday, and his parents’ golden anniversary.

Right down to the gifts. I bought the cards and he wrote them, and recorded video messages so he’d still be part of the important things in our lives.

He even planned his funeral with me. And his death.

’ Ruth’s throat closed and she had to gulp back tears.

I reached out to her without thinking. ‘Please don’t cry. I didn’t mean to upset you.’

She shrugged and rubbed at her eyes. ‘You wanted brutal honesty. This is it. There will always be things about Chris that will upset me and make me cry, and there’ll always be things that you’ll never get over, but you have to keep on living.

Maybe it was easier for me. I had Lisa. I couldn’t afford to get depressed.

I had to live life for her too, and show her that living isn’t just about pain.

She spent too much of her life knowing the worst kinds of pain.

I had to show her it could be happy and joyful too.

It was one of the things Chris made me promise him. ’

‘Did you?’

‘I like to think so.’ Ruth smiled, and my stomach twisted. ‘Which sort of brings us back to your question. Chris even planned for this.’

‘What do you mean?’ I felt completely lost.

‘I was thirty-eight when we found out Chris wasn’t going to get better.

He passed away just after I turned thirty-nine.

Have you any idea how young that is? With any luck it’s barely half my life.

That was another of the promises he asked of me, that I wouldn’t live my life alone, and that I should take every chance I had for happiness, without any guilt. Which included sex.’

It shouldn’t have interested me, not with Jenn still with me, but I had to know. ‘So, can I ask... have you?’

‘Had sex since? Hell yes.’

‘When?’ The word slipped out before I could bite my tongue.

‘Why?’ Ruth’s eyes sparkled mischievously.

‘You offering? Sorry.’ She took it back almost immediately, but not before a vision of her naked skittered across my mind.

‘I shouldn’t make jokes like that. First time was a couple of weeks after I turned forty.

’ She smiled at a memory I couldn’t see. ‘It was my birthday that did it.’

‘Some sort of midlife crisis?’