Page 27 of Life After Me

Summer

Jenn

The antidepressants seem to be taking for ever to fully get into David’s system and start helping him. Maybe it would have been better if he’d agreed to some sort of counselling too, but he’s been resistant to that — whoever’s been the one suggesting it.

And, of course, I used to have most of summer off — which makes this time of year especially difficult for David.

But I’m finding it so difficult to keep my patience.

I just want to reach out to him again, but the fog is still pushing me away, making everything blurry and draining me of energy, then throwing me back towards the grey place more quickly.

I can still wave to him through mirrors and other reflective surfaces, but I can’t push past their shiny surfaces and reach out when it comes to being around David.

I don’t fully understand it, but there are so many things I don’t fully understand about this whole situation.

I’d been spending more time around Lottie recently, but she and Stuart have got much closer, so she wouldn’t want her mum hanging around. And from my point of view, there’s such a thing as too much information, especially when it comes to your daughter and the guy she’s dating.

Besides, Matty needs me at the moment. I was really hoping he could sort out the whole Lucy problem by himself, but he’s doing exactly what I worried he would.

He’s let himself get caught up worrying about what-ifs and maybes, and he’s trying to build and cross every possible bridge the future might bring.

He’s got his thinking so twisted with worries that he’s forgotten the whole point of what he should be focusing on.

Whether he loves Lucy enough to ask her to give up the opportunity of her career to stay with him, or to give up his own job — and maybe career — to follow her.

There aren’t that many firms willing to take a risk and give a young solicitor a chance like Matty’s company did, and he’s loved being there.

But as rare as a dream job can be, the chance at love can be ever rarer.

He does love her, he really does. More than anything.

But he’s so busy worrying about what might happen one day fifty years from now, that he’s forgotten that.

He’s been like this since he was a little boy.

Always such a little worrier. I remember his sixth birthday.

We were going to buy him a “proper big boy bike”, but he saw a safety video about what happened to children who didn’t wear helmets.

He got it into his head that somehow his helmet would come off and then he’d get hurt, which would make me sad.

It took us two weeks to convince him to stop worrying and to just enjoy the bike.

He knows he does it, that he lets himself get distracted by worries, and that they can derail his life.

That was the point when my phone would ring.

We could talk for hours when he had something on his mind, but I’d always try never to tell him what to do.

I’d just let him talk and bounce ideas off me until he’d worked it all out in his head.

But that’s not an option this time. I know he’s in pain and needs my help.

His agony of indecision and worry is dragging at me and pulling me towards him.

He wants me, or someone, to tell him what to do and make the decision for him, but I really don’t think I should.

I’ve always tried so hard not to influence his decisions in the past.

But he needs help, and I’m still his mum, even if I can’t pick up the phone or hug him anymore.

He’s not going to ask his dad. He won’t want to “bother him when he’s dealing with his own stuff”.

He won’t talk to Lottie either. He thinks big brothers should fix problems, not burden their little sisters with them.

* * *

Lucy’s pushing Matty for an answer, and I don’t blame her, but it’s the worst thing possible she could do with him.

As soon as you start pressurising him, he stops being able to think straight and starts to panic.

Which was exactly what he was doing when he turned up at home, takeaway in hand as he greeted his dad — pretend cheerfulness painted across his face.

I know what I need to do. I need to give him some sort of sign to reassure him that what he keeps thinking about, and what he really wants to do, is the right thing. Maybe then he’ll stop second-guessing himself so much.

I think I’ve worked out how best to do it.

I’ve discovered metal is really easy to work with.

Whether it was Lottie’s keys I moved to get her to stay with David a bit longer, or my bracelet which I dropped in her pocket to let her know I was still with her, metal seems to respond well to me.

I think it’s because it absorbs the energy of the people carrying it around, so keys and jewellery are the easiest by a long stretch.

I was a bit nervous about whether something new and unhandled would have enough energy in it for me to work with, but it had to work because Matty’s hurting.

I spotted him trudging down the high street not far from where I used to work.

It had rained that morning, but despite the sun coming out, his smart work coat was buttoned up tightly and he’d shoved his hands deep into his pockets.

He looked cold, tired and miserable despite the season — like the warmth of summer couldn’t reach him.

I could almost feel the worry pouring off him.

Look up, Matty. I’m right here. I was listening when you came to talk to me. I know you’re worried and scared, but I’m still here for you. I just need you to look up and pay attention to me for a few seconds. Please Matty, look up.

I concentrated everything I had on trying to get his attention. If he didn’t look up soon, it would be too late.

Come on Matty, just look up! I screamed in frustration. His step faltered and he glanced towards me then he froze and stared at the window behind me.

This was the moment I’d been waiting for.

Rows of rings, necklaces and bracelets nestled in velvet trays in the window, glowing under the carefully placed spotlights.

The ring I’d chosen sat close to the window, proud on its glass stand.

I needn’t have wasted my time and energy worrying about it responding to me.

It didn’t have the energy of something carried around with someone for years, but it had its own energy.

It was full of hope and excitement. Making it sparkle and flash with light was easy.

Matty stared at the ring and the rainbows that flashed out of the diamond at my gentle nudge. ‘Mum?’ His voice was barely audible.

Oh my God, can he see me?

A blast of wind shot through the high street. Matty shivered and shook his head sadly. He pulled the belt of his coat tighter and turned away, head down as he trudged sadly towards home.

Damn, damn and buggerations. I really thought that was going to work. For a moment I could have sworn Matty looked right at me, and that he understood what I was trying to tell him. But he never was any good at taking hints.

I could feel the despair and loneliness drifting off him in waves. If anything he seemed worse than before. I’ll just have to come up with something more drastic. Something that even Matty can’t manage to ignore.

* * *

Matty

I can’t believe the photos Lottie showed me when I visited her in London this weekend.

They’re just incredible. At first I thought it was some big joke she was playing on me, but she swears it’s the honest, simple truth.

Mum’s really here. I feel awful. Dad’s been telling us she’s here all along, but I didn’t believe or support him.

I really want it to be true, especially now.

For a moment yesterday, I thought Mum was with me. On the high street, by the jewellery store, I thought... Oh I don’t know what I thought. It was probably nothing more than wishful thinking. I’m so confused right now. I don’t know what to do. I can barely trust my own mind.

Lucy’s been offered that brilliant new job.

It’s a huge step up in her career, and a massive pay rise.

She should take it. It’s a fantastic opportunity.

The company really want her and keep extending the deadline — but they can’t hold it for ever.

It really is her dream job. Except, she doesn’t seem to want it.

She keeps asking me what she should do, and if there’s any reason for her to stay.

She wants me to give her that reason. I want to, I really do.

We’ve been together for years and I love her like mad, but I don’t know what to do.

I always thought I’d marry her, that we’d settle down and have a family.

But after watching the pain Dad’s been through, I’m scared to care for anyone that much.

I don’t ever want to feel the way he’s been feeling. The way he’s still feeling.

Except, the thought of not having Lucy in my life makes my stomach tie in knots and physically hurts. So what am I supposed to do?

I wish Mum were here with me. She’d be able to tell me what to do.

Please Mum, I really need your help to figure this all out.

I’m sorry I didn’t believe Dad, and that we left you in the ground.

I’m so sorry. But I really need your help.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to deal with this. Mum, I need you.