Page 28 of Life After Me

I don’t know when I started crying. I think I’ve cried more in the last few months than I have in the last decade.

That’s when the strange warmth started. I know it could have just been imagination, but I really don’t think it was.

It started in my right hand, a strange, tingling warmth that quickly spread up my arm and slipped around my shoulders and back.

It was a little scary at first. I had goose pimples all over, but was warm.

And then I swear I could smell Mum’s perfume.

That comforting mix of flowers and fruit that’s been there in my life for as long as I could remember.

I know every logical thought and almost every accepted belief means there’s no way this could be anything but desperation and imagination. But, it doesn’t feel like that, and after seeing Lottie’s photos, I can’t help but think it’s more.

Except, if Mum really is here, and really can communicate, then I can’t believe she’d leave me hanging like this. I can’t believe she wouldn’t help me work out what to do about Lucy.

It was really late when I got back to Edinburgh but I decided to go for a walk anyway.

After hours of driving, my legs were stiff and I needed to be moving.

Plus I wasn’t sure I wanted to go home while Lucy prowled around, snatching things off shelves and adding them to the growing piles of “her” stuff all over the house.

Every time she looked at me I could see sadness and disappointment in her eyes.

All I needed to do was ask her to stay, and tell her that I wanted her in my life.

It sounded like such a simple thing. It should have been, because I do love Lucy.

The thought of not having her in my life is enough to make me feel physically sick, but people break up all the time.

People get over break-ups. I don’t know if Dad’s ever going to get over losing Mum.

I can survive another break-up, I’ve done that before.

But I don’t think I could ever get over losing someone I loved that much.

If ever I had to watch Lucy die, I think it would kill me too.

So maybe it’s better just to avoid ever being in that situation.

If I never get married, I can never be that badly hurt.

Except that the thought of my life being Lucy-less is like a stab in the gut. I really don’t know what to do.

I pulled my coat tighter and shoved my hands deep into my pockets.

My fingers brushed against something small, cold and round caught in the lining.

My thumb traced around a narrow edge as I worked it towards the hole I hadn’t realised was there.

It was smooth, except for one bit that was larger and rough with lumps and bumps.

My fingertip slipped into a small circle, and I carefully pulled the alien object out.

Surprise made my fingers clumsy, and I had to fumble to keep hold of the tiny treasure.

I moved under a street lamp to look at it more closely.

It was a small, gold ring, and the roughness I’d felt was a row of stones that glittered and flashed with blue and white light.

Warmth seemed to gather around me as I studied it more closely.

It wasn’t new. There were tiny scratches around the band, and the gold was thinner at the back.

It looked like it had been worn and loved lots.

I don’t think I was even breathing when I reached for my phone and hit Lottie’s speed dial.

‘Ugh... what?’ My sister sounded less than thrilled to hear from me.

‘Lottie? Are you all right?’

‘Matty? Is that you? What’s wrong?’

‘Nothing. Should something be wrong?’

Have you any idea what time it is?’

‘Umm.’ I checked my watch. Oops. I hadn’t realised it was that late.

‘Sorry, sis. I just wanted to ask you something.’ I heard muffled voices, as though she’d covered the phone with her hand.

I couldn’t help but notice one sounded a lot deeper than hers, and my big brother response was impossible to hold back.

‘Lottie? Have you got someone there?’ My suspicions worsened when I heard what sounded like a dog whimpering and Lottie apologising. ‘Are you even at home?’

‘Actually, not that it’s any of your business, I’m at a friend’s. But if you rang me at ugly o’clock and woke me up to ask about my love life—’

‘I didn’t, I didn’t.’

She sighed with frustration. ‘So what did you want?’

‘What did Mum’s engagement ring look like?’

‘What? Hang on.’ I heard rustling and a few seconds later a door clicked shut. ‘What?’ Her voice was clearer.

‘What did Mum’s engagement ring look like?’ Even as I asked the question, I already knew the answer. It was staring up at me from the palm of my hand.

‘Why? Matty are you all right?’ Lottie sounded confused and worried. ‘Where are you?’

‘Back in Edinburgh. I drove home. I’m fine. Charlotte, what did it look like? Please.’ I almost never used her full name.

‘Umm. Sapphire and diamond, part eternity set into gold. Why?’

‘Sapphires? They’re the dark blue ones, right?’

‘Right.’

‘And eternity means they’re all in a row?’

‘Uh huh. What’s going on?’

‘What happened to it?’

‘I’m not answering any more questions until you tell me what’s going on,’ Lottie snapped.

‘I’m fine Lottie, just tell me what happened to it. Please.’

‘I don’t know,’ she replied quietly. ‘We did talk about burying it with her, but I don’t know what Dad decided in the end. Why?’

‘Thanks Lottie. I’ll call you later.’

‘What? You can’t just—’ I snapped my phone shut halfway through her indignant squawk and turned it off.

I cleared my throat awkwardly. It’s a good thing it was late, because I’d have felt like a right idiot if I thought anyone could have heard me.

‘Mum?’ Warmth flooded through me and the air filled with fragrance.

‘Is this your answer? Is this what you think I should do?’ I held the ring out.

Happiness joined the warmth. If she’d shouted yes in my ear, the message couldn’t have been any clearer.

I shook my head. ‘It’s not that simple, Mum.

If it were, I’d have asked her already.’

A question hung in the air around me. ‘I love her. I really do, but I don’t know if I can do this.

I’m scared. I’ve never been so scared in my life.

I’m scared of losing her, and scared of having to live without her.

If she leaves now, then she’s just left.

But if I ask her to stay with me, she will.

Then I could lose her for ever. She wants children one day, Mum, but women still die in childbirth.

She could get hurt, or sick, or die in a car crash like you.

And then I’d have to watch her die. I couldn’t survive that. ’

Softness brushed against my wet cheeks and left a trail of goose pimples as calm patience and understanding flooded through me. It was all right to be scared. That’s what Mum always told us growing up. That almost everything worth doing was hard, and usually a little bit scary.

I twisted the ring and looked at it again, thinking about what it could mean. The light hit it at an odd angle and flashed back into my eyes, almost blinding me with colour and brightness.

An image formed out of the spots in my vision.

I was little again, and Mum’s fingers were wrapped tightly round mine.

We were at the top of a roller coaster, and I was terrified.

I’d always been scared of them, but my friends were going to a theme park, and I’d desperately wanted to go with them.

So Mum had brought me here and held my hand through the whole ride, even though she hated roller coasters too.

I knew what she wanted to tell me as clearly as if she’d said the words.

This is what love’s usually like. It isn’t easy and smooth, it’s full of ups and downs and terrifying moments when all you want to do is scream and run away.

But it’s also exciting and wonderful, and nothing else in the world is like it. And you almost never regret it.

There was another flash of colour and emotion, and I saw her marrying Dad. She’d never told me she’d been shaking with nerves on the day, or that Dad had been crying.

Next, I saw myself as a baby, wrapped up in a blanket in her arms, and I felt the rush of terror and joy that she’d felt the first time she’d held me. All the hope, all the fear, and all the happiness.

Then the image changed, and the baby was in Lucy’s arms. She smiled at me. ‘Look what we did.’ Her voice was filled with pride and astonishment.

I can’t even begin to explain what that felt like, but as the image faded away and the real world came back into focus, desperation filled me.

I thought I knew what it felt like to really want something in my life.

There were toys that I thought “I’d literally die” if I didn’t get when I was younger, the exam results that got me into the university I wanted, and my dream job.

I had thought these things were important, but they were nothing compared to that blink-long image of Lucy smiling at me, exhausted, happy and proud.

Until that moment I’d only ever thought about having children in the abstract. That yeah, maybe one day it’d be nice to have a family. But that one image that lasted less than a second, took it from a dreamy possibility and shoved it into reality.

I wanted that. I wanted a family in my future, and I wanted Lucy as the main part of it. I needed her. Who did I think I was kidding? The thought of not having that future together was so painful that it made it hard to breathe.