Page 44 of Life After Me

‘Not really. You?’

‘Meeting up with some old friends for lunch on Sunday.’

‘So you do have other friends,’ I teased gently. ‘I’m just the special one who gets bored supermarket shopping calls.’

‘Yup.’ Ruth grinned. ‘You should consider yourself lucky. And yes I do have other friends. Some of them are even old ones who knew Chris too.’

‘Really?’

Ruth twisted to face me. ‘Why does that surprise you?’

‘I’ve lost contact with most of my old friends.’ I sighed and tried to explain. ‘To be honest, I don’t have many friends. Jenn and I had lots, but they were our friends.’

‘I can understand that,’ Ruth sympathised.

‘Really?’

‘That’s becoming a catchphrase for you,’ she teased gently. ‘But yeah, I understand why you’d find it difficult to be around old friends, especially the ones who were Jenn’s friends as well.’ Ruth sighed. ‘It can be hard, it really can. I’m not the same person I was five or six years ago.’

‘How so?’ I was fascinated at the thought of Ruth being any different from how she was now. She seemed so together and settled all of the time.

‘Well, I was married to Chris then. You can’t really go through a change as fundamental, painful and intense as burying your partner without it affecting you. Do you really think you’re the same person as you were this time last year?’

‘Well, yeah. I don’t think I’ve changed that much.’

‘Oh really?’ Ruth challenged me with a glint in her eye. ‘So a year ago you were a slightly eccentric, ready-meal scoffing painter who’s successfully sold work, and spends his Friday nights drinking with strange women?’

‘Maybe I am a little different,’ I conceded slowly, but then again maybe it was different for Ruth. After all, she didn’t have her other half with her all the time. I smiled and let my eyes drift shut as I felt for Jenn’s presence.

‘Well?’ Ruth was looking at me expectantly.

I jerked back into consciousness. ‘Sorry, what did you say?’

‘I asked you if you wanted to join me on Sunday.’

‘I wouldn’t want to intrude.’

‘You wouldn’t be, I’ve invited you. It’s usually good fun.’ She rolled her eyes as I shook my head again. ‘Just think about it, all right? Please?’

I nodded in agreement. It was easier than arguing. It’s not like she knew I had no intention of going out with a group of strangers. No, I definitely wouldn’t be going.

* * *

Jenn

I love my husband, but sometimes it amazes me how unobservant he can be. Despite the amount of time he’s spent with her, and how much he enjoys being around her, he still hasn’t realised that he’s attracted to Ruth.

Although it doesn’t really matter, because whether David acknowledges it or not, Ruth is good for him, and it shows. The more time he spends with her, the happier he seems to be. His confidence is growing again. He’s actually looking forward to things. He’s starting to care again.

It isn’t just Ruth, but she’s behind it all.

She makes David do things, pushing, cajoling and teasing him until he gives in.

He had no intention of meeting her friends, and definitely wasn’t planning on having lunch with them, but Ruth kept asking and persuading until he gave in and agreed.

He wasn’t looking forward to it, but Ruth anticipated that and made him promise to show up.

She knows exactly what David’s going through because she’s been there herself.

And she remembers how easy it is to let yourself disappear rather than go through the effort that socialising seems to take.

That’s exactly why she keeps pushing him to do things, and is pulling him into her circle of friends.

It’s working. Despite his concerns, David really did enjoy himself. Once he stopped feeling awkward and out of place he joined in the laughter and shared his own jokes and anecdotes. They really liked him, which was no surprise. My husband’s easy to like.

For the couple of hours he was with them, I was given a glimpse of the David I’d known and loved.

I’d known that he’d changed after my death, but I hadn’t realised quite how much until I saw him laughing and joking.

It’s like he’s coming back to life before my eyes.

He’s happy and enjoying life again, and it’s because of Ruth. I have to like her for that.

But then David goes and ruins everything by thinking too much.

He spends too much time worrying about other things that stop him from thinking about Ruth honestly.

He worries that I’ll mind, but he still seems to be oblivious to my attempts to tell him that this is what should be happening.

Either that or he’s deliberately ignoring me. I’m honestly not sure which it is.

He needs to start listening to me, and stop feeling guilty every time he smiles at Ruth. And he does smile at her a lot, but that was why I introduced them. It’s the whole point. I want him to smile and be happy again, and focus on living his life instead of worrying about me.

I can’t move on while he’s still holding me here in his life and his world.

I’m still not even sure that I want to move on and leave my family behind, but the thought isn’t as horrifying as it was a few months ago.

Matty is settling down and happy. Lottie’s career is moving so fast she can only just keep up, and she seems blissfully happy with Stuart, much to her surprise and my relief.

In truth, my children don’t need me anymore.

So it’s really only David that I’m staying here for.

That worries me, because I’ve come to realise that I’m not the only one who is trapped by this situation.

I can’t move on while David is holding me to him so tightly, but he can’t move on either.

The love we shared in life always gave us freedom.

It meant we could be ourselves, chase our dreams and take chances because we knew we’d always love and support each other.

But now that love has twisted, and it’s trapping us both.

I don’t really know what to do about it.

* * *

I’ve noticed something odd, here in my grey world.

It’s a tiny speck of green, not really much bigger than the head of a pin.

Anywhere else I wouldn’t have noticed it, but here it’s the only bit of colour there is.

It’s bright green and glowing with life against the greyness.

A tiny point of colour that’s pushed its way through the nothingness to enter my world.

I’ve looked and looked at it, but I can’t figure out what it is.

I feel as though I should recognise it, that it’s obvious what it is.

But here, out of context, I really don’t understand it.

Whatever it is, it has power. It must do to have made it here when nothing else can.

I’m scared to touch it. Although whether that’s because I’m more scared of hurting it, or because of what it means, I really don’t know.