Page 32 of Life After Me

I did the shoot they asked for, focusing on showing the clothes in the best possible light.

The sets were already in place, and the models were clearly well briefed and knew what they were doing.

All I really had to do was adjust some lighting, tweak a few poses and keep adjusting my shooting settings to capture the movement of the scene. But it was exhilarating.

I shot set after set of photos, pausing just long enough in between to move a few limbs around and flick out a skirt or ask the make-up team to touch up a sweaty forehead. Halfway through the shoot, Stu waved at me and tapped his watch. Damn, he was right. I needed to get proofs over to the editor.

‘All right everyone, take a break. Back in ten, please.’ I felt stupid saying it, like why should these people listen to me?

The models were beautiful and elegant, and the shoot manager was brisk and efficient.

They were all seasoned professionals, and I couldn’t see why any of them would listen to me, but within seconds the set had cleared and the room filled with chatter.

It took me less time to upload the photos than it did to actually hit send and share the link with the editor. But I couldn’t stop remembering that all my hopes and dreams were resting on that single press of a button. Stu watched over my shoulder as the images flickered across the screen.

‘Just hit the button, Lottie.’

‘I can’t,’ I whispered back.

‘Why?’ He dragged a chair over.

‘It’s too big.’ I shook my head. ‘It’s too much. What if he hates them?’

‘The editor?’

I nodded miserably.

‘You’re scared.’ Stu’s voice was filled with disbelief.

‘I am allowed to be,’ I snapped back.

‘No, no. Of course you are. It’s just... I’ve never seen you scared of anything.’

‘Yeah, well... this is really big.’ I tried to explain. ‘All of my hopes and dreams. All my plans for the future. That’s what that button really is. Until now, photography’s just been a nice idea. Something I played with in between jobs and at the weekend.’

‘You’ve photographed weddings and events and stuff.’

‘For friends. And friends of friends. Hardly the same.’ I dragged my fingers through my hair. ‘If I press that button, I’m gonna find out for sure if I have a future in all this.’

‘Isn’t that a good thing?’

‘Only if the answer’s yes. What if it’s no? Then I’m left with nothing. At least if I don’t send the photos, I’ll always have the idea and the dream. There’ll always be the possibility that I can do it.’

‘But if you do send them, you’re scared you’ll be told you’ll never make it.’ Stu laughed.

‘This isn’t funny!’

‘It kinda is. Look around, Lottie. This is just about the worst possible time for a crisis in confidence. You’re in the middle of a shoot.

There are models and make-up people and dressing people all waiting for you to tell them what to do next.

Across the city there’s a guy sitting by his computer waiting for you to save the day. He’s waiting to see what you can do.’

‘Oh my God, Stu, do you actually think reminding me of all that is helping?’ Cool warmth wrapped around my shoulders and Mum’s bracelet seemed to burn with cold on my wrist. She was here.

Of course she was here. If I didn’t know better, I’d have suspected that she set the whole thing up.

I covered my eyes. I didn’t know if I wanted to laugh or cry.

Stu pulled my hands away from my face. ‘Look around, Lottie. You’re right in the middle of your dream.

Of course you’re a bit scared. Dreams are scary.

Once you’ve got them, you have to do everything you can to make them real, otherwise they’ll haunt you for ever.

They’ll never let you go until you’ve made them come true. Of course this is scary.’

I looked up into his dark brown eyes in surprise. ‘That might just be the deepest thing I’ve ever heard.’

‘Well I’m not done yet.’ Stu grinned. ‘You’re good, Lottie.

Really good. I honestly think you can do this.

And I’m not just saying that because I’m sleeping with you.

That’s just a nice added bonus.’ He chuckled.

‘Seriously. Your photos are good enough to make your dream come true. You’re good enough.

You’ve just got to make sure the rest of the world knows it. This is your chance to do that.’

‘You really think I’m that good?’

‘Yes. Now just hit the bloody button and get on with it.’ He shoved my computer at me and warmth tingled through my fingers. I guess Mum agreed with him.

* * *

I flaked out on the couch as soon as we’d got home and unloaded all my stuff.

Even that was hard work. I couldn’t believe I’d just finished my first fashion photo shoot.

And it had gone really well. I’d got all they’d asked for, and a few more besides.

Just ideas I had during the shoot. Stuff I wanted to try.

I nearly didn’t send them, but Stu was having none of it.

So I just emailed the editor everything that made it past my first quick edit.

I was so tired that I could hardly move. Every part of me ached from lugging around heavy equipment and twisting myself into weird positions to get the right shot. I was so shattered that Stu ended up driving home. Even though he isn’t exactly insured on my car.

But oh my God, it was so worth it. The shoot was just fantastic.

It was just a fashion supplement for a local newspaper, but wow, the buzz.

If I had any lingering doubts about my future, they’re gone now.

Photography is what I want to do. More than anything.

If a genie appeared from a lamp right now, that’s what I’d wish for. End of.

* * *

David

Everything seems to be going well for my family.

Matty and Lucy are blissfully happy now they’ve stopped having the arguments they didn’t tell anyone about.

Lottie’s already got three more jobs booked, none of which are weddings or baby pictures, which thrills her no end.

Although she’s already promised to do Matty’s.

Apparently the last-minute photo shoot she did the other weekend was a huge success, and the editor loved her style and way of looking at things.

I’ve already spent twenty quid buying up copies of the paper so I can send them to people like Matty and Sarah. Maybe I’ll have one framed, like Jenn would have done.

Speaking of frames... I sold one of my paintings to someone at work.

It was just a charity event, and everyone was asked to donate something they’d created.

There were a lot of cakes, dried flower displays, wooden ashtrays, knitted dolls and toilet roll covers.

And one of my paintings. It wasn’t anything big, or worth a lot of money, but it’s good to know my work is good enough that other people will pay for it.

Maybe I should take part in some of the community galleries I keep reading about.

The best thing is that I know Jenn’s behind all of this.

The painting that sold was one of the ones I created soon after she started pushing me to paint again.

Then Matty rang me up to nervously explain how he’d come to propose to Lucy, and exactly which ring he’d used.

He was worried it might upset me. I told him he was being silly.

I’d given that ring to Jenn decades before.

It stopped being mine the second she’d said yes and I’d slipped it onto her finger.

It was up to her what she did with it now.

If I’m honest, I’m glad she did it. I wouldn’t have known how to deal with Matty’s problem, and I love the fact that even when she couldn’t be with me, she was with the children.

I’m glad she’s still with us all. Sticking her nose in, helping us figure out what’s right, and nagging us until we do it.

I’m gladder still that the children have finally realised the truth.

I’m not sure how yet, but I’d bet good money that she was involved in Lottie’s photo shoot too.

It’s so good to have her in our lives still. She’s always brought so much goodness into them. Tomorrow would have been Jenn’s birthday. While we can’t give her gifts anymore, she’s clearly found a way to give them to us instead. I love that woman so much.

Tomorrow everyone will be here to celebrate her birthday and remember all the good in her life.

And to thank her for all the wonderful things she’s given us lately.

We’ll celebrate Matty and Lucy’s engagement, and Lottie’s success, and maybe even my painting sale.

We’ll all remember Jenn together. It’s not the typical August we’d usually have had — a break away somewhere that coincided with the school holidays and Jenn’s birthday — but it’s the one we’re having this year.

* * *

Jenn

Seeing everyone celebrating together was lovely. There were a few moments of sadness, like when they realised they’d put out mint sauce even though I was the only one who ate it, but most of the time it was just happy.

There’s so much happiness in my family right now, especially for my children. Lucy is glowing with the excitement of the wedding and Matty’s eyes fill with warmth and pride every time he looks at her. I don’t think I’ve seen him this settled and happy since he was young.

Lottie’s doing brilliantly too. Since the photo shoot, her career has been going from strength to strength.

She’s got a lot more bookings and a couple of agencies have contacted her, which is a really big deal.

I’m not sure I fully approve of the way Stuart’s hand keeps wandering up my daughter’s thigh under the table, and the easy intimacy with which he squeezes her leg, but I do approve of the way he looks at her, and the smile in her eyes when she catches his.

It’s impossible not to feel happy watching my children today.

But there is a shadow over the celebrations.

I don’t think anyone else has noticed it yet, but David seems out of sorts.

It’s almost like we’re slightly out of sync at the moment.

Most of the time everything seems normal and easy.

He seems relaxed and happy, and smiles and joins in with the jokes and laughter of everyone else.

He talks to me so easily now, and smiles when I wrap around him.

I could almost believe that everything’s perfect.

But every so often something inside him seems to slip.

It’s like he snaps away from me and is distracted by some far-off sound or thought as his eyes fill with a strange wistfulness I barely recognise.

It only lasts for a second or two before everything clicks back to normal.

At first it was so quick that I thought I’d imagined it, but now I’ve seen that blank-eyed, distracted stare at least half a dozen times.

It’s so fast I’m sure the children haven’t noticed it. They’re too wrapped up in their own happiness, as they should be. I’m not even sure David is consciously aware it’s happening. But I’m sure of one thing. Something isn’t right with my husband.