Page 20 of Life After Me

David

Life has been good lately. I went back to work properly, and while it was a little odd at first, it is good to be back.

It’s nice to have normal conversations again where the biggest worry is getting a project completed by the relevant deadline.

I’ve been sketching and painting more too, which is making me happy.

But almost all of my happiness is down to Jenn.

Her presence has been so strong that I can sometimes hear her words and thoughts.

She’s wrapped all around me and twined through me, in my every thought and movement.

She’s my whole world again. She’s with me at night soothing me into sleep, and she eases me into waking every morning.

She gives me the reason to get up and fills me with a lust for life.

For the first time since the accident I’ve been able to see the world as a bright and beautiful place filled with hope and joy.

It’s like I’ve woken up and put on glasses, and the whole world has snapped back into focus. I owe it all to Jenn.

I still miss her and would give anything to have her back in my arms, but she’s been showing me a whole new world through her eyes.

I wonder if this bright, colourful, passionate world that tingles and buzzes with energy is the world Jenn always saw.

It would make sense if this different view of the world was what she’d spent her life seeing.

She always managed to look past the obvious and see the good in people, no matter how deeply it was buried.

I could happily spend the rest of my life just living through Jenn.

Most of the time. But lately, just on occasion, I find myself feeling weird.

A bit fed up, and... numb. That’s the best word for it.

Numb . Even when Jenn’s beside me I’ve found myself distracted and a bit separated from reality.

But I don’t think anyone else has noticed, so it’s probably nothing.

* * *

Jenn

I’m really starting to worry about David.

He'd been doing so well recently. He’d gone back to work and started settling back into a healthier routine, and he’d started painting again. And we’ve been closer than ever.

But the periods when he’s feeling numb seem to have been increasing, and neither of us know why.

I don’t know if the shock of everything that happened has worn off, or if it’s the fact that he’s returned to his old routine that has made my absence more.

.. vivid and poignant for him, or something else entirely.

But whatever it is, it’s bad.

I don’t understand what’s happening, but I’ve been struggling to reach him. The horrible, thick clouds that had been pulling me back to the grey place seem to have wrapped themselves around David, pushing me away from him. I don’t know why, or what to do about it, but I know it isn’t good.

He’s really not himself. He thinks I haven’t noticed the numb periods he has, but how could I not?

I don’t understand what’s happening, but it’s terrifying. Because even though I can’t read his thoughts in the way that had become our new normal, I’m scared for him.

* * *

David

I’m starting to think that part of me might have been buried with Jenn. My heart, or my soul.

In truth, I’m struggling with everything right now: even the simple things that you would have thought would be automatic after a lifetime of doing them — but aren’t. It shouldn’t be so hard to clean my teeth or comb my hair. Or get changed into clean clothes, but that’s where I am.

Empty inside.

I found the jumper Jenn had bought me for Christmas. I’d nearly worn it on that dreadful, awful day, but hadn’t for some reason I can’t remember. I’m glad of that now, because I’m not sure I could have worn it if I’d had it on that day — and not least because of the blood from my own injuries.

Now I don’t want to take it off. It’s comfy enough to sleep in, and somehow the nights seem a bit less long and a bit less lonely, and if I’m wearing it at night I might as well wear it in the day too. They still blend together a lot anyway.

I’m not sure how much longer I can keep going.

I don’t really want to.

I’m not planning on doing anything... silly. The kids just lost their mum. I couldn’t do that to them.

But I’m really struggling.

And I’m so, so tired.

* * *

Lottie was in the living room, talking animatedly. I forced a smile when I saw her guest. ‘Hey Matty, this is a nice surprise. Is Lucy here too? Are you staying for long?’

‘No, she’s not, and I’m not really sure yet.’ Matty’s smile didn’t quite reach his eyes, and I found myself feeling worried.

Lottie licked her lips nervously. ‘Dad, we umm...’ She took a deep breath before she could continue. ‘We wanted to talk to you.’

‘We’re worried about you,’ Matty added in a rush.

‘Why? I’m fine.’ I wasn’t, not really, but it wasn’t anything they could help with, so I wasn’t going to worry them.

‘You don’t look fine, Dad. Lottie showed me the bulbs.’

‘And? They were being dug up. I couldn’t just leave them to die.’

‘But, don’t you think it’s a little odd? I mean what are you going to do with them all?’

‘I don’t know yet.’ I rolled my eyes. ‘So, I’ve got a few hundred daffodil bulbs, it’s not that big a deal.’

‘It’s more than a few hundred,’ Matty argued.

‘I’ve heard you talking to yourself,’ Lottie added quietly.

‘Is that all? I’m not talking to myself, that would be insane. I’ve been talking to Jenn.’

‘Dad.’ Matty exhaled sharply. ‘Don’t you realise that sounds crazy? I miss Mum too. I visited her grave this morning, and yeah I chatted a bit, but I know she’s not really there. I don’t expect her to answer me back. We buried her weeks ago.’

‘I know that.’

‘So you know you can’t be talking to Mum?’

‘But I am. I’m talking to her every day,’ I insisted.

‘I know you think you are, Dad, but she’s gone. We miss her too, but Mum’s gone.’

I buried my head in my hands, and tried to find the words to explain to my children.

I knew they were just worried about me, but I was getting annoyed.

Who were they to write off Jenn so quickly and easily?

They didn’t know what was happening, or what I’ve been experiencing and feeling.

Jenn and I share an incredible love that is, quite simply, stronger than death.

If our own children couldn’t understand that, then they were being idiots.

I felt Jenn wrap around me, soothing and warm.

It was so intense that for a moment I couldn’t catch my breath.

The children weren’t being idiots at all, they were just missing their mum and worried about their dad, I saw that the second Jenn’s hand slipped into mine, and suddenly I had the words to explain.

‘I’m not going mad, really I’m not. I’m not sitting up all night calling psychic chat TV.’

At least that much was true. I’d seen it before and suggested it to Jenn, but the air around me turned ice cold as she made her displeasure known. It made sense. She’d hated people coming between us in life, and she wasn’t going to accept it in death. I forced my mind back to the conversation.

‘And I’m not buying tarot cards or messing around with Ouija boards.’

‘But you still think you can talk to Mum?’

‘Not like I’m talking to you, no.’ I took a deep breath and let Jenn’s feelings flow into me and add strength to my words.

‘Love’s the most powerful force in the universe.

It can bring people together against all odds, overcome barriers beyond belief and last for an entire lifetime and beyond.

Your mum loved us all desperately. We were the most important things in her life, and she’d have done anything for any of us.

Our love was so powerful it couldn’t be contained by just two people, so it made you both.

Do you really think feelings that strong can be snuffed out, or disappear in the blink of an eye? ’

Neither of my children could meet my gaze.

‘Do you really think, that in a world so full of beautiful miracles as this one is, that it’s completely impossible for a spirit to come back? And do you think for a moment, that if there were a way, your mum wouldn’t find it?’

‘You really believe this, don’t you?’ Lottie asked softly.

‘Yes, I really do. But at the same time I don’t.’

‘I don’t understand.’ Lottie shook her head.

‘I don’t believe or disbelieve in this. Your mum’s here, just the same as the room’s full of air that we’re breathing. You don’t need to believe in something that you know.’

‘You said here. Is she here now?’ Lottie gulped, her expression caught somewhere between fear and hope.

I nodded.

‘How do you know?’

‘I can feel her.’ I tried to keep my tone easy and nonchalant. I already knew how I probably sounded to them. ‘See the goose pimples on my arms? I’m completely warm. But I get goose pimples whenever she’s nearby.’

‘Has she ever done anything else, like moved things?’ Lottie asked very quietly.

‘Don’t tell me you’re buying all this,’ Matty snapped.

‘No, of course not, but . . .’

‘But what?’

‘Nothing.’ Lottie shook her head sadly.

Matty leaned forward. ‘We’re worried about you, Dad. Look at this place, it’s a complete mess. You never go out, and you look like you haven’t slept properly in weeks. This isn’t healthy.’

‘I go to work.’

‘But you don’t go out with friends, or spend any time with people.’

‘Why would I want to spend time with other people?’

‘This is exactly what I’m talking about.’ Matty rubbed his forehead in exasperation.

‘We want you to see a doctor and get some help.’

‘Help for what?’ I shook my head. ‘There’s nothing wrong with me.’

‘Then there’s nothing to worry about, and no reason not to talk to someone.’

‘It’s a waste of time,’ I argued.

‘Dad.’ Lottie leaned forward and squeezed my arm. ‘Please? Will you do this for me. We’ve already lost Mum, and I’m scared I’m losing you. I can’t lose you too. Please, Dad? Will you do this for me?’