Page 25 of Life After Me

Lottie

I should’ve been excited. Stu was going to pick me up from my place and take me out.

He’s sweet and funny and kind, and really hot.

We’ve been texting each other since that day he came round about the daffodils, and we’ve met up a couple of times, just as friends.

And obviously he was there, front and centre, organising the bulb planting.

But the last time we talked he was a bit weird, and I teased him about it.

That’s when he told me he kinda likes me as more than a friend.

And I think I feel the same way. He’s gorgeous, and sweet — and a bit bad, but in all the right ways.

Definitely my usual type. So I should have been really excited, but I was too worried about Dad to relax.

I’d only just found out he’d started taking the medication, which scares me to think that he’d gotten so bad.

But I’m glad he is getting some help now.

Although he keeps talking about how Mum has disappeared, that he can’t see her clearly anymore. I don’t think he’s lying exactly, but he still talks about Mum like she’s really here. I want to believe it’s true, but it’s pretty far out there, even for me.

I brushed on another flick of mascara and checked the mirror.

It wasn’t perfect, but it was pretty good and it would have to do.

It was nearly time for Stu to pick me up.

I ran down the stairs and yanked on my jacket.

I dug my lace gloves out of my pockets, and something clattered to the floor and rolled across the hallway.

I stared at it in surprise and found myself hesitating.

I had to force myself to pick up the shiny, silver bangle.

It was icy cold and the bright turquoise stones stared up at me innocently.

I knew this bracelet. I’d given it to Mum one birthday.

What I couldn’t work out was how it had ended up in my pocket when it probably should have been back in her jewellery box, in her house.

I got halfway back to my room, intending to shove it to the back of a drawer, but something stopped me. Without knowing why, I wriggled the bracelet onto my wrist.

* * *

‘So...’ Stu studied me over the table. ‘Are you going to tell me what’s on your mind?’

‘Sorry?’ I fiddled with my wine glass.

‘Well call me vain, but I kinda thought you liked me.’ Stu shrugged. ‘You’ve been quiet all night. I figure either I’ve misread this totally, or something’s bothering you. Selfishly, I’m hoping for the latter myself.’

‘I’m sorry.’ Guilt flooded me. He’d been trying so hard, and here I was letting nagging thoughts eat away at me and ruin our first date. I took a deep breath. ‘I’m worried about my dad.’

‘So you do like me?’ His eyes sparkled.

‘I didn’t say that.’ I tried to smile back.

‘You didn’t not say it.’

That did make me smile. ‘I’m sorry I’ve wrecked tonight. I did really want to be here. It’s just... Dad.’

Stu shrugged. ‘It’s just one night. Seeing as it’s you, I might let you have a do-over.’ He sipped his drink. ‘So, as this just officially became a non-date, and there’s nothing you can fuss about wrecking, do you want to tell me what’s up with your dad? He seemed all right the other day.’

‘He’s been struggling since Mum died. It’s gotten worse lately, and we finally convinced him to go to the doctors because, well...’ I looked around, realising how busy the restaurant was. ‘Fancy a walk?’

‘Sure.’ If Stu thought the sudden change of scene was weird, he didn’t say anything. Instead he quietly paid the bill, refusing my offer to split it with a sweet smile, and held my coat out to me.

We walked down the road in silence, not holding hands or anything, but so close together that his arm brushed mine every few steps. After a while, Stu turned to me. ‘Well, it’s pretty quiet here.’ He gestured to the nearly empty street. ‘You going to tell me?’

‘I don’t think I want to.’ I stared up at the sky, trying to see the stars through the clouds.

‘You have to. It’s part of the do-over deal.

Full disclosure and explanation or no second chance.

’ He flashed me a grin. When I still didn’t speak he sighed.

‘Look, Lottie, whether you want to tell me what’s going on or not is up to you.

But would you promise to let me know if there’s anything I can do to help, please? ’

‘Is this another do-over rule?’

‘No.’ Stu shook his head and looked down. He caught my hand in his and threaded his fingers through mine. The heat of his bare skin through my gloves made me shiver, and I struggled to meet his eyes. ‘This is just me saying I like you Lottie and I want to help you.’

‘You are helping.’ I squeezed his fingers. ‘This helps.’ Warmth flooded through me, and I suddenly felt safer and more relaxed than I had in weeks.

‘Then let me help more.’ His whisper filled the air between us with his frozen breath. ‘Whatever’s going on with your dad is clearly upsetting you, and I’ve got a shoulder spare if you want it.’

‘You’ll think I’m crazy.’ I desperately wanted to tell him everything. I wanted Stu to make it all better, but I really did like him, and didn’t want to scare him off.

‘Would it help if I told you I already did? Just a little bit?’

‘You think I’m crazy?’

‘Well you like me, so you must be.’

‘I didn’t say I liked you.’ I felt his fingers tighten around mine.

‘You didn’t say you didn’t.’ He grinned down at me. ‘Spit it out, Hughes.’

I took a deep breath and let the words tumble out in a rush. ‘Do you believe in ghosts and stuff like that?’

‘Umm.’ He looked confused. ‘I dunno.’ He studied my face closely, trying to work out the right answer.

‘If you’re asking me about scary bed sheets, clanking chains and glow-in-the-dark eyes with Hollywood special effects, then no.

But if you’re talking about spirits and guardian angels and things.

.. then maybe yes. I know too many people who’ve had too many weird experiences to say I don’t believe in anything like that.

Myself included.’ He shrugged easily. ‘I’d say I’m pretty open-minded about it all. ’

‘Weird like what?’ I was intrigued, and hopeful. Maybe Dad wasn’t losing his mind after all.

‘A few things,’ he admitted. ‘Odd feelings and dreams that have turned out to mean something. But the biggest one was when a mate and me were in an accident a few years back. It should have been really bad, probably fatal. The bike was totalled, but we both walked away without a scratch. The paramedics couldn’t believe it.

We couldn’t believe it. I believe someone was watching over us that day.

But the other stuff? Most of it’s just silly.

Things going missing, or moving around. Things you’d thought you’d lost turning up in strange places.

Just lots of things that could be odd coincidences, except there were too many of them.

Do you know what I mean? Lottie?’ He sighed. ‘Now you think I’m crazy.’

‘No.’ I shook my head and rubbed my fingers over the bracelet.

I showed it to Stu and explained about it and the keys.

Then everything started pouring out of me.

I hadn’t meant to say so much, but I couldn’t stop once I’d started.

I told him about how Dad thought he could still talk to Mum, and that he felt better when she was around, and how my big brother and me convinced him to see a doctor who prescribed antidepressants.

The weight that had been crushing my shoulders started to feel lighter.

Stu didn’t interrupt. He just let me talk, nodding and making encouraging noises whenever I faltered.

I forced myself to look up when I was done. ‘So, what do you think?’

Stu took a deep breath and replied slowly and thoughtfully.

‘I think there’s a lot of things in this world that we don’t understand.

Especially when it comes to death. Maybe your mum really is watching over you all and trying to help your dad feel better.

And if believing that makes him feel better, does it really matter if it’s real or not? ’

‘It matters if he thinks he’s talking to a ghost. Or if believing that he is means he can’t heal.’

‘Can you say for sure that he isn’t? Are you completely and totally one hundred per cent sure? Truly?’

My keys weighed heavily in my pocket and the bracelet seemed to burn around my wrist. I didn’t know what I believed.

‘Besides,’ Stu carried on. ‘Even if it’s not true, you said it makes him feel better to believe it. All I know is you guys are going through one of the hardest, shittiest things that can ever happen. Anything that helps you get through that has to be good. Even if it is unconventional.’

‘I hadn’t thought about it like that,’ I admitted.

Warmth and peace wrapped around me, and my skin tingled beneath Mum’s bracelet.

What Stu said did make sense. I desperately wanted to believe Dad, and know that Mum was still around somehow, looking after us.

I wanted to believe that when my keys vanished, it was because she wanted me to stay with Dad for a bit longer.

I wanted to believe she’d somehow slipped her bracelet into my pocket as a reminder and promise she was still with me.

It felt right to believe it, even though everything I’ve ever been taught told me it couldn’t be real.

‘It’s not like you have to decide your entire belief system right now.’

‘True.’ I watched as Stu blew on his hands and rubbed them together. ‘You’re cold.’

‘Not really.’ He shrugged.

‘Well I’m cold, so you must be. Why aren’t you wearing gloves?’

‘It’s supposed to be spring. Honestly, I don’t feel cold at all.’ Stuart smiled at me, and I felt my insides melt. Suddenly I didn’t feel quite as cold either. It was as if the sun had come out. I didn’t want this to end.