Page 43 of Life After Me

I sat at the breakfast bar with a still slightly warm glass of wine, and watched her bustle around my kitchen happily.

The small room soon filled with steam, scented with herbs and the smell of frying bacon, and I found myself smiling.

It was good to have the kitchen come back to life and be filled with energy.

Lottie sometimes cooked when she was here, but usually with quite a lot of crashing pots and swearing.

Watching Ruth was relaxing, and she seemed to have made herself right at home.

She grabbed her glass of wine off the work surface and spun to face me.

‘I brought pudding too. How do custard tarts sound?’

I laughed. She really had been listening. ‘Not a traditional Italian dessert, but I think I like it.’

‘Good, now grab me some plates. I’m starved.’

We ate in comfortable silence for the first few minutes, until I broke it. ‘This is delicious, where did you learn to cook? I watched you, and you didn’t measure a single ingredient, but this is perfect.’

Ruth smiled back at me, toying with her pasta and winding it easily into neat parcels. ‘Newlyn is Chris’s name. Before we got married I was a DiMarco.’

‘You’re Italian?’

‘My father is. My Nonna taught me to cook. Can’t you tell looking at me?’

‘Well, no. Not really. I don’t expect most blondes living round here to be half-Italian.’

Ruth leaned closer. ‘David sweetie, it’s called dye.’ She grinned. ‘My natural hair colour nowadays is more grey than anything else.’

‘I don’t believe it.’

‘You should.’ She laughed. ‘It’s all true. If you look closely enough you can probably see it sneaking back in at the roots. It’s part of the genes. Great skin and legs, but hair that lets you down. I’ve been going grey since my twenties.’

‘Well you hide it well.’

‘Thanks. I’ve had practice.’

‘Ruth, can I ask you something?’

‘Sure. It’s not like I actually have to answer if your question is that offensive.’ Ruth shrugged. ‘And I have already confessed to my grey hair.’

‘Do you still miss him?’

She didn’t even have to ask who I was talking about. ‘Do you want the honest answer to that, or the one I give the well-meaning friends?’

‘Honest. Brutally so.’

‘Yes.’ She nodded slowly and I could see her jaw clenching.

‘If I am being brutally honest, I don’t think there’s a single day when I don’t miss him, or come across something I want to share with him.

Sometimes I still have bad mornings when I’ve dreamt about him, and then have to wake up and remember he’s gone.

He was my husband. We chose to get married and planned on growing old together.

I’m grateful for the time we got to share, and for my daughter, but sometimes I still feel cheated for what got taken away.

For one thing, I never planned on being a single mum to a teenager.

’ She winced and stared at what was left of her dinner, then added in a quieter voice, ‘Or living alone in the house Chris and I bought together.’

I nodded and edged my fingers slowly across the breakfast bar to tentatively pat the back of her hand. ‘I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.’

Ruth shook her head and straightened her shoulders. ‘You didn’t upset me. It’s just... it is what it is.’ Her fingers curled around mine and I was surprised by how natural and easy she made the gesture.

‘It never really goes away, David, it just gets easier. And I promise you, it does get easier.’ She dropped my hand and downed the rest of her wine. ‘If that’s enough harsh reality for one night, I’m done. Pudding while watching Friday night tele?’

‘Sure, sounds good.’ I cleared away the plates while she settled down in the living room. I heard the TV flick on and smiled to myself. It was nice how relaxed and at home Ruth made herself here — it made the house feel a lot less empty. Warmth gathered around me and I smiled.

‘I know it isn’t really empty, Jenn. I know you’re always here with me. But it’s nice having a friend who can actually talk to me normally. You don’t mind, do you?’

The air around me hummed softly and I smiled again. Jenn wasn’t annoyed or upset, she just seemed to be happy that I’d found someone to laugh with again. She really was the most amazing woman.

‘I think I know what Ruth meant,’ I murmured softly. ‘I can’t ever imagine a day that I won’t still miss you. I love you, Jenn.’

The air around me shifted and I felt a slight nudge towards the living room. It seemed Jenn wanted me to spend time with Ruth. I guess she wanted me to have friends and enjoy myself again. She’d been pushing me towards this for ages. ‘All right, all right, I’m going.’

I wandered into the room with the custard tarts and settled down on the opposite end of the sofa from Ruth. ‘So what are we watching?’

‘Well I did find the original Italian Job , fancy that?’

‘Sounds good to me.’ I settled back into the cushions more comfortably.

In the end it hadn’t really mattered what we watched, because we talked so much. I don’t think we watched more than half the film between us. It was just something to look at when the conversation lapsed into comfortable silences.

‘So, yet another ad break.’ Ruth twirled the wine in her glass and gave me a mischievous look. ‘Want to play a game?’

‘I don’t think I have many. I might have Cluedo or Monopoly in the loft.’ I paused as she laughed. ‘You didn’t mean a board game. What did you mean?’

‘A getting to know you game. You get to ask three questions, any three questions, and the other person has to answer honestly. You can’t repeat questions.’

‘Sounds simple enough. Do I get to start?’ She nodded. ‘All right... favourite colour?’

‘Green. Boring question.’

‘So what is a good question?’

‘One that reveals something about you. What’s your dream car?’

‘Umm... 1960s Jaguar E Type. So what does that reveal?’

Ruth smiled. ‘That you’re not ashamed to aim high and dream, and that you like beautiful, classic, tasteful things. But that you’re probably still a bit of a big kid at heart and harbour latent fantasies of yourself as some super-secret James Bond-type spy.’

‘Probably a good thing I didn’t pick an old Beetle then. By the way, Bond usually drove an Aston Martin.’ I laughed.

‘I’ll consider myself educated then.’ Ruth rolled her eyes. ‘Your go.’

‘Favourite book as a child?’

‘Well, your questions are getting better. Enid Blyton’s The Magic Faraway Tree . So what does that say about me?’

‘I don’t know. It’s your game. Probably that you liked to believe in magic.’ I remembered reading them to Lottie, and then her reading them to me.

‘Nothing wrong with that.’ Ruth smiled at me and for a moment I couldn’t think straight. ‘My turn. If you could be anywhere right now, anywhere in the world, where would it be?’

‘Here’s not bad.’ The words were out of my mouth before I’d even consciously thought them. ‘Or maybe Hawaii,’ I bluffed quickly. ‘It always looks nice. Right, my last question. I want to make it a good one... What would you do if you won a million pounds?’

‘Hmm.’ Ruth studied her wine glass while she thought.

‘Buy a new car, and one for my daughter so she can come home from university and visit me lots. Help her through her studies and make sure she’s set up for life and can buy a house when she wants to.

I’d be tempted to buy a little cottage somewhere in the country.

Not too far away, but somewhere I could just disappear off to at the weekends. ’

‘You wouldn’t give up work?’

‘Probably not straight away.’ She shook her head. ‘I love my job, and there are people in it who need me. I’d stay for a while at least.’

‘So...’ I totted her spending up on my fingers. ‘Two new cars, a little cottage somewhere, university fees and a house for your daughter. By my count there’s a good chunk still left. What about the rest?’

‘I’d drop it in a nearby charity pot.’

‘Really?’ The answer surprised me. I’d known Ruth was caring, but I didn’t realise it was to that extent.

‘I’d like to think so. I’d hope I’m not the type of person who’d be changed by a lot of money. Apart from the suntan.’

‘Suntan?’

‘Yeah.’ She grinned at me. ‘After I’ve taken you to Hawaii.’

‘You’d really do that?’ I struggled not to picture her sunbathing on a beach. In not very much at all.

‘Sure. Why not? I’m rich remember. Well, at least good holiday rich. Last question is mine.’ She studied me over her glass. ‘What’s your favourite sexual position?’

I choked on my wine and spluttered as it burned the back of my nose. ‘I’m not answering that.’

Ruth laughed. ‘You think shooting wine out of your nose wasn’t an answer? What’s the big deal? We’ve done dream cars, childhood books, fantasy holidays and millionaire lifestyles.’

‘Yes but they’re not so... you know...’ I trailed off, knowing my ears were burning bright red.

‘It’s just sex, David. You’ve got two children of different ages, so it’s a pretty safe bet you’ve had sex at least that often. You know if you don’t answer, you have to do a forfeit.’

‘You didn’t mention anything about that.’

‘I know. But it’s my game and my rules.’ Ruth shrugged and grinned. ‘Plus I really don’t feel like washing up.’

‘Well, if that’s my forfeit, I’m delaying punishment until tomorrow. I don’t feel like it either right now.’ I kicked my slippers off and stretched. ‘So, shall we see what’s on next?’

‘Sure. I can stay a bit longer. I’ll call a taxi later.

That wine went down a bit too easily.’ Ruth kicked her feet up on the sofa, and I watched as she tucked her legs up easily, her skirt rising up her legs and pulling tight.

She caught my stare and blushed. ‘Sorry. I sort of forgot I wasn’t at home. ’ She stretched her legs out again.

‘No, no. Please, make yourself at home. Seriously.’

‘Thanks.’ She flashed me a smile so warm that I felt it in the base of my stomach. She tucked her feet back up onto the sofa, and pulled her skirt back over her knees. ‘So, have you got any plans for this weekend?’