Page 19 of Life After Me

He shrugged the thanks off. ‘It’s no biggy. MrsHughes did a lot more for me. C’mon Jasper. Let’s go see the biscuit lady.’

‘Biscuit lady?’ I felt my eyebrows rise.

‘Yeah. This dog’s disgusting. Couple of times my mum gave him a biscuit when we visited, now he runs straight into the kitchen and sits beneath the cupboard begging. He won’t move till he gets his biscuit.’

‘Smart boy.’ I fondled his ears.

‘Yeah, he is.’ Stuart agreed with a disgusted snort. ‘Too smart for his own good most of the time. Anyway...’ He held out a hand. ‘See you ’round.’

* * *

‘Oh my God, Dad. What have you done?’ Lottie’s voice echoed through the house.

Clearly she’d decided to drop by and visit.

Or check on me. ‘What the hell is all this in the garage?’ She held a loose bulb in her hand.

‘I nearly broke my neck tripping over these. You could have warned me. What on earth is all this?’

‘Daffodil bulbs.’ I flicked the kettle on and reached into the cupboard for mugs. I didn’t want to meet Lottie’s eyes. The events of the day suddenly seemed a lot less sane than they had earlier.

‘But there are thousands of them.’ I could feel Lottie’s gaze on my back. ‘Dad, look at me. Please. Tell me what’s going on.’ She sighed irritably when I didn’t answer her. ‘Where did they come from?’

‘The fields over the back of the park. They were digging them up.’

‘That’s a real shame, but what are they doing here? You know these are probably all dead? They’ve been dug up.’ She thumped the bulb down on the worktop.

‘They might not be,’ I argued. ‘I saw your mum dig them up and move them about in the garden.’

‘Not in February you didn’t. Not at the start of their growing season.’

‘I don’t care. I couldn’t just leave them there to die.’

‘I kind of I get that.’ Lottie handed me the milk.

‘I’m going to plant them. They’ll grow. They have to.’ I concentrated on stirring the tea.

‘Where? Are you going to carpet the garden with them? And then the house?’

‘I haven’t really decided yet.’ I handed Lottie her tea and felt panic descend.

She was right. I had no idea what to do with all the bulbs.

I’d rescued them, and now they were probably going to die anyway.

I couldn’t plant them all, and just planting a few in our garden seemed ridiculously pointless.

Maybe I really was going mad with grief.

* * *

Jenn

Matty came to see me today and he brought the most beautiful flowers.

At first I wondered why he was here, and what had brought him so far away from his job, home and Lucy, but I could see he was troubled from the moment he arrived.

He fidgeted with the wrapper on the flowers, and kept stuffing his hands in and out of his pockets awkwardly.

I tried to comfort him by washing warmth and reassurance over him, and eventually he relaxed.

‘Bloody hell, Mum, I miss you so much. I always miss you, but I really wish you were here right now. I’ve got a huge problem. I don’t know who to talk to about it. I keep picking up the phone to call you before I remember that you’re here now.’

He ran his hands tiredly through his hair as he stared at the headstones around me. ‘I don’t know what to do, Mum. I wish you were here to help me figure it all out.’

He leaned against the tree that shades my grave, and sighed sadly.

I settled next to him and rested my head on his shoulder.

It’s all right, Matty, I’m still here. I tried to soothe his worries and smooth out the wrinkles from his brow.

I wished I could take away his pain. He’s been through so much lately that he doesn’t need any more stress.

He stared across the gravestones as he spoke.

‘It’s Lucy. She’s in the running for a new job.

Her dream job. It’s exactly what she’s been working towards for years.

It’s a great company and a brilliant deal — and they headhunted her Mum, so she’s probably going to be offered it.

She deserves to be offered it. But it’s miles away.

Back in England. There’s no way she can do it without moving. ’

Oh no. Not Lucy. Horror shot through me at his words.

She and Matty were so good together, and she’s helped him so much in the last weeks.

I couldn’t bear to see him lose her now.

Besides, they’re supposed to be together for ever.

I’m not just saying that as his mother, I’m saying that as someone who can actually see parts of the future.

I look at Lucy and Matty together, and I see a bright, loving future filled with happiness.

When I try to think of them splitting up, all I see is darkness and emptiness for each of them.

‘She wants to take the job, Mum. I know she does, and she should. It’s a fantastic opportunity for her. But she’s asked me what to do. She wants to know where our relationship is going before she makes the decision. She’s willing to stay for me, Mum. All I have to do is ask her to.’

If I’d still been breathing, I would have held my breath.

‘But I don’t know if I can.’ Matty’s jaw was clenched and I could see the muscles in his throat working as he struggled with the next words.

‘I don’t know if I want to give that much of myself to someone.

I don’t want to be like Dad. We all saw him the day we buried you.

It was like we’d buried part of him too.

He’s a mess, Mum. He barely seems to know how to function anymore.

I don’t ever want to be like that. I don’t want to love someone so much that I fall apart without them.

Lucy wants everything. She wants me to tell her whether we have a future together or not.

She wants one with me, she’s made that clear.

But I don’t know if I can promise that. I don’t ever want to feel the way Dad is feeling now.

’ He dashed angry tears away from his eyes.

I felt like crying myself. Was this what I’d done to my son by dying? Had I taught him to fear love instead of embracing it? Horror and sadness filled me. I’d left my family’s lives too soon, and it seemed that I’d stolen something incredibly important in the process.

I understood now why Matty had come to see me.

For his entire life he’d been a mummy’s boy.

We had an incredibly close relationship, and whenever anything had been bothering him, it was me he talked to.

When he was worried about exams, it was my phone that rang.

When he broke up with his first girlfriend, it was me he wanted to tell about it, and when he was first considering moving so far north for work, it was me he turned to.

He swore blind it was me he’d miss the most. He was too like his dad and too unlike his sister for them to be as close.

He doesn’t have anyone else he can talk to about this.

I’ve no idea how I can make this right, but somehow I have to. I refuse to let my death ruin my son’s life.

It suddenly occurred to me to wonder again why Matty’s really here.

I know he’s struggling with a big decision, but he’s far too practical and grounded to drive hundreds of miles to stand and talk to a grave.

The flowers are beautiful and thoughtful, but I can’t believe he came all this way just to leave me flowers.

Even if he needed some space and time to think, he’s got closer places to run and nearer boltholes than this.

I know this is his childhood home, but in truth my house hasn’t been Matty’s home for a number of years.

It’s barely Lottie’s anymore. Both of them are always welcome here, it’ll still be their home even when they’ve got children of their own, but they’re off building their own lives now.

I do wonder if talking to me is the only reason he’s here.