Page 37 of Life After Me

I struggled to concentrate while his fingers wandered over my back, tracing along the bare skin at the edge of my top.

What did I think? I didn’t know if I was ready to move in with a guy.

I was only just starting my career, and I had no idea where it was going to take me.

With any luck, it’d be halfway round the world and back.

That wasn’t exactly the best thing for a relationship.

I hadn’t really planned on getting serious with anyone until after I’d made my name.

But then again, Stu’s sweet and kind, and he makes my toes curl. Oh stuff it.

‘Yes!’ I covered his face in kisses. ‘You’re a genius. You’re brilliant, you’re wonderful, and kind and thoughtful and handsome.’

He pressed his nose tightly against mine, and the next words came out in a low, throaty growl. ‘You’re pretty damn brilliant yourself, Lottie Hughes.’

I wrapped my arms around him tightly as he kissed me thoroughly, and dragged me down to the floor. Oddly I didn’t feel even a little bit tired anymore.

* * *

Jenn

It’s taken me longer than I want to admit, but I’ve come to understand that David just isn’t happy by himself. He’s lonely, and the loneliness is seeping into every part of his life and making him depressed.

The only time he’s really happy is when he’s with the children, and that’s not fair on them.

They love their dad enough that they’re ruining their own lives trying to look after him.

They should both be happy and able to relax and enjoy the special moments in their lives.

Matty’s busy planning his future, and Lottie’s in the first, exciting flush of a new relationship with someone who really cares about her.

They shouldn’t be worrying about their dad so much that it ruins everything for them.

So, I have to look after David. It’s appropriate really, he’s still my husband and I promised to always love and protect him, in sickness and in health. That definitely has to cover this.

I’ve been trying to avoid thinking about this.

I’ve been concentrating on making sure the children are all right, and now they are, I have nothing else to focus on.

I’m all out of excuses. So I’ve had to think about David and face the truth of what’s happening.

It’s agonising, because I’ve been forced to accept that David needs something to concentrate on.

Something that will inspire him and motivate him to get up and enjoy life again.

His painting just isn’t enough to do that.

I’ve realised what David really needs is someone in his life, not to do these things for him, but to make him want to do them for himself. He needs someone else more than just me.

Oh my God, it’s so painful though. I know this is what’s best for David with every part of my being.

I love him desperately so I want to do what’s right for him, but it hurts so much.

If I could still breathe I’d choke on the pain.

It’s all-consuming to the point that it numbs my thoughts every time I try to consider it.

I feel sick when I think about David with another woman.

There’s never really been anyone else for either of us.

We spent our whole adult lives together.

I spent more of my life with David than I didn’t.

And now I’m trying to think about him being with someone who isn’t me.

Just thinking about it in the abstract, without any real people involved, hurts.

But I have to think about this, because I have to do what’s best for David.

No matter how much it hurts and disgusts me.

* * *

I think I’ve done it. I think I’ve found her. It’s the strangest thing to try and pick a new woman for your husband, but I know he’s never going to do it for himself. He’s too committed to me, even though I know I can’t give him what he needs anymore.

I found myself being really critical as I tried to find this perfect replacement for me.

She couldn’t be too bossy or controlling, because he wouldn’t like that.

I knew he’d never be attracted to someone who was obsessed with popular culture and which celebrity was doing what.

She had to be firmly grounded in the real world.

And she couldn’t be someone who spends hours getting ready and messing with her hair and make-up and clothes — we used to laugh at women like that.

Whoever she was, she should be someone who’s just as happy in trainers as in high heels.

And she had to be at least vaguely open to the idea of life after death.

The list went on for ages, but I think I’ve done it. I think I’ve found the perfect woman for David. She’s clever and kind and sweet. Pretty too, but not in the vain way that would irritate my husband.

She also has a pulse, which gives her a massive advantage over me.

But I’ve promised myself I’m not going to think like that.

I’m not going to focus on the unfairness of this whole situation, because the only thing that lies in that direction is misery and bitterness.

Besides, it’s hard not to like this woman.

She’s down to earth and easy- going, and even though she’s seen a lot of sadness in her life, she’s still quick to smile and likes to laugh.

And she’s lonely too, although she’s too proud to admit it except to herself at three o’clock in the morning when she’s unable to sleep for the emptiness in her bed.

I think she might need someone like David as much as he needs someone like her.

It really could be the perfect match. All I need to do is give them a couple of gentle nudges to make sure their paths cross.

Then I can step back and see if I’m right, and whether nature and attraction will take their course.

I won’t interfere beyond that first introduction.

As much as David needs — and deserves — to have someone in his life, I won’t force anything.

It has to be his choice. But I do think he’ll like her almost as soon as he meets her.

It’s actually going to be incredibly easy to arrange that.

A water leak and overflowing drain in one road will detour her from her usual route and straight into David’s path.

Then all I have to do is make sure they notice each other.

That’s all I’m going to do. Once they’ve met, nature has to take over and do the rest.