Page 53 of Life After Me

Jenn

I’m so excited. The tiny speck of green I found isn’t so tiny anymore. And it isn’t alone. All the others have reappeared, and dozens more of the tiny little specks have been sprouting out of the ground and stretching up in tiny green spears. The first one is nearly as tall as my thumb.

I’ve finally realised what they are and where I know them from. They’re daffodils. Dozens and dozens of tiny daffodils, all growing out of nothing in this dead, grey world.

It was empty and lonely here, but now with this tiny carpet of green appearing, it doesn’t feel like such a bad place to be. Soon they’ll grow taller and burst into golden blooms.

I still don’t know what they mean, but they have to be good. It’s strange that they should choose to reappear now. I would think about them more, but nothing as pretty as daffodils could bring anything but happiness, and I’ve been distracted by other things.

I’m so pleased for David and Ruth. I know that might sound like an odd thing for a wife to say about her husband kissing another woman, but I do mean it. I’ve had to come to terms with the fact that things have changed.

It looks like David is finally realising and accepting it too. It’s lovely to watch him at the moment. It’s like he’s coming back to life beneath Ruth’s touch.

It is heartbreakingly sad for me, but my husband deserves better than fleeting, half-imagined touches and barely-there whispers. He deserves someone who can give him better and more. Maybe someone like Ruth.

I do like Ruth, and I know that Lottie does too.

She’s been fantastic, my daughter. She’s been encouraging her dad when I wasn’t able to reach him.

Although I probably wouldn’t have used the term “hooking up”.

We called it something very different, and less vulgar, when I was younger.

Back then, David and I were just “seeing each other”.

But whatever she calls it, I’m glad Lottie is on side.

Both of my children are adults. They’re mature enough to understand the situation and not to blame David for being with a woman who isn’t me. They’re not going to get angry or hateful and accuse him of replacing me.

But if I had been worried about either of their reactions, it would have been Lottie’s. So I’m really glad she likes Ruth, and not just because it means she won’t make things difficult, but because I value her opinion too.

I have been spending more time with my children lately. As much as I like Ruth, I don’t want to watch her kissing my husband. Especially like that. She’s passionate and alive, and makes David feel like a teenager again.

It’s also that I don’t want David to sense my presence and feel bad. I won’t let him feel guilty about this, so I’ve been giving them their space. It’s not been as difficult as I thought it would be. I haven’t felt the same pull to be with David as I used to.

Don’t get me wrong. I still do — and always will — love my husband.

But the desperation to be with him that was there in the beginning has faded.

It isn’t so strong and dragging, and it doesn’t cause me physical pain to be away from him anymore.

Maybe we’re both reaching the point of some kind of acceptance.

I suppose it means that he’s starting to move on. Which is a good thing. It’s healthy and what he needs to do. It really is the best thing for everyone involved. I know it’s for the best.

Except if it is, then why do I feel so horribly restless and on edge? It’s like I’m waiting for something to happen or change. But nothing ever happens here in my horrible, empty grey place. There is no change.

Except for my daffodils.

* * *

David

Ruth moaned and arched her back, deepening the kiss. I wrapped my arms around her more tightly. Her body felt different to Jenn’s. Ruth was leaner and sleeker, and her breasts and bottom were smaller. The differences were exciting, terrifying and intoxicating all at once.

She teased my lips with hers, delicate soft kisses one moment, and then deeper more intense ones the next. I bruised her lips with mine, then traced kisses down her neck.

I’m still amazed that someone like Ruth can be attracted to someone like me.

She really is gorgeous, and I care about her a lot.

Then again, I know she cares about me too, so maybe she sees a different version of me to the one that greets me in the mirror every morning.

It’s not love. Not like it was before. We both know that, but we do enjoy each other’s company, and the sheer physical attraction can’t be ignored.

I gently tilted her head to look into her eyes, placed a quick kiss on her nose, then broke away and flopped back against the arm of the sofa and sighed happily. Ruth sat up, pushed the hair out of her eyes and grinned at me.

‘So,’ she bit her bottom lip in that incredibly sexy way of hers. ‘As much as I’m enjoying messing around and feeling like a horny teenager again, I’m not one anymore. In case you forgot, this is my sofa in my house — there aren’t any parents coming home to catch us!’

‘I’m not sure where you’re going with this.’ Horror and desire filled me in equal measure and I sat up straighter.

‘That’s exactly what I’m asking. I like you David, I really do.

’ She fiddled with her fingers before looking up at me.

‘But you’re driving me mad with frustration.

I know you feel the same.’ She rolled her eyes.

‘Hell, I can feel how much you feel the same.’ She glanced at my crotch and I felt my cheeks burn even hotter.

‘So, if you want me to spell it out for you, why are we still down here when we could be upstairs? We’ve been playing this game for weeks. ’

I hesitated and Ruth glared at me and thumped me gently on the leg. ‘Don’t you even think about telling me anything less than the truth.’

‘I’m worried about ruining our friendship.’ I answered her honestly. ‘Right now, it’s not that hard to stop and back away, and go back to just being friends, but if we...’

‘Had sex.’

It still shocked me how easily Ruth talked about sex. ‘Yeah. Well, that would change everything.’

‘Why does it have to?’

‘It just does.’ Although for the life of me, I suddenly struggled to remember why that was the case. But it was obvious. Sex had to change things, didn’t it?

Ruth sighed and tucked her feet underneath her. ‘Sex only changes things if you let it. We can just decide that whatever happens, we’ll stay friends.’

I shook my head. ‘You make it sound so easy.’

‘It is that easy.’ Ruth cupped my face in her hands.

‘Despite the way we’ve been acting, we’re not teenagers anymore.

We’re both mature adults capable of making mature decisions.

It is only sex.’ The tip of her thumb traced its way along the edge of my lips, making me shiver.

I wished I could make her react to my touch like that. ‘So, what do you think?’

‘I think maybe it’s time that I stopped thinking.’ I could hardly believe the words had come out of my mouth, but they had and for once I wasn’t crippled by guilt at the thought of taking another woman into my arms.

‘I couldn’t agree more.’ Ruth smiled in a way that made me think very, very inappropriate thoughts about her. ‘So, what are you doing for the rest of today?’

‘What! You mean now?’ Panic bolted me upright. It was one thing to think about having sex sometime in the hazy future of maybe, but was she serious? I couldn’t just drop everything and leap into her bed now. I wasn’t ready. I needed time to prepare.

‘Why not?’ Ruth raised an eyebrow at me.

‘Shouldn’t I be taking you out to dinner and buying you flowers and chocolates?’

‘What on earth for?’ Ruth rested her arm across the back of the sofa as she laughed. ‘I already like you, you already like me, and there’s no question that it’s in a more than just friendly way.’ She leaned closer. It would be so easy to shift slightly and kiss her.

‘You honestly think it can be that simple?’

‘I think it’s as simple or as complicated as we choose to make it. Personally, I like to keep things simple.’

‘It just seems too easy.’ Even as I complained, a voice in my head shouted at me. Why on earth was I arguing with this gorgeous woman who wanted me?

Ruth’s eyes flashed dangerously. ‘If I didn’t know you better, I’d have sworn you just called me easy.’

‘No, no. I didn’t mean that. I’d never think that about you.’ I fumbled my words, trying to apologise and take back the offence before realising that Ruth was teasing me. My panic melted under her smile, and I leaned towards her. ‘I should stop talking, shouldn’t I?’

Ruth nodded, her eyes not leaving mine.

‘Maybe I should do this instead.’ I twisted my fingers through her hair and lowered my mouth to hers, and every other thought fled my mind.

Within seconds she was in my lap, her body pressed tightly against mine as we moved together, hands wandering over each other.

Her mouth was hot on mine and our kisses and fumbles were faster and more urgent than before.

I pulled away shakily and caught her face between my hands, needing to stop and take a breath. .. or three.

‘Do you want to come upstairs?’ Her voice was deep with lust and her eyes had darkened with excitement. ‘It’s up to you, David, but if it helps, I really, really want you to say yes.’

I still couldn’t believe this was happening. I struggled to get my voice past the lump in my throat. ‘Yes.’ I cleared my throat and tried again. ‘Yes.’

She stood, one hand still in mine, deliciously solid and real, and beckoned provocatively with the other, a sultry smile spreading across her lips. ‘Follow me.’

* * *

Ruth pulled the covers up and I flopped back into the pillows. My ears were burning and I could feel the heat rising to my cheeks as blood rushed to escape from other places. I didn’t know where to look, but I couldn’t look at Ruth.

‘Are you all right?’ She didn’t move to close the gap between us. Clearly she was as disappointed as I was.