Page 26 of Life After Me

‘Do you want to come back to mine? It’s only a quick hop on the tube from here, and I’m pretty sure my flatmate is out tonight. I’ll make coffee and you can defrost a bit.’

‘Are you asking me back for coffee or are you asking me back for coffee ?’ He winked suggestively.

Oh God, I didn’t know the answer to that. I tried to keep my voice steady. ‘If you don’t like coffee, I can make tea.’

Stu gave me an odd grin, like he was trying to work me out, and then burst out laughing. ‘All right. Tea it is.’

* * *

We talked for hours. About everything and anything.

I have to admit I can’t even remember everything he talked about, because at times I got distracted just watching him speak.

That probably sounds really weird, but it’s the truth.

I never really thought about a guy having gorgeous lips until I met him.

I don’t remember when his arm slipped around my shoulders, but it was probably after I swapped the empty mugs for a couple of glasses of wine, and started flicking through the TV channels.

I do remember it felt easy and comfortable, and even my flatmate’s giggly appearance at 2a.m. didn’t spoil it.

I hadn’t felt so relaxed in a very long time.

Neither of us realised how late it was until grey light started to seep in through the living room window.

Nothing else happened. We just sat on the sofa and talked the whole night away.

I swear it’s the truth, despite the knowing looks and giggles of a certain flatmate when she came back in to look for coffee.

Well. Almost nothing. Stu couldn’t get the front door open.

He didn’t have the hard-earned knack of jiggling the latch in the right way to make it release.

I gave up trying to explain the twist, shove left and jiggle motion he needed, and leaned across him to open the door.

He looked down at me and smiled in a way that made me really aware of how narrow the hall was.

‘So, am I going to get this do-over?’ I tried to keep my voice casual and not let him know how desperately I wanted him to say yes.

‘I don’t know, Lottie.’ He shook his head slowly.

‘I think I kinda like how our non-date turned out after all.’ His fingers brushed against my cheek and his breath was warm as he bowed his head.

After what felt like an eternity his lips met mine softly.

His hand slipped around the back of my neck and my fingers tangled in his hair as he drew me more firmly against him.

I could feel the heat radiating from his body as I kissed him back firmly.

When I teased his lips with the tip of my tongue, stroking them ever so gently, he groaned and shifted slightly, wrapping his arm tightly around my waist.

I couldn’t tell you whether it lasted a few seconds or an hour, I was so focused on him.

For those moments, Stu filled my world and consciousness completely, like a warm, blindingly white light.

I couldn’t have thought about anything else if I’d wanted to, and I didn’t want to.

The whole thing felt natural and easy. And good. Really, really good.

When we finally broke apart for air, I leaned back against the wall, loving the feeling of being trapped and protected by him at the same time.

My breathing was too fast, and I could feel the heat rising in my cheeks.

Wow, that boy can kiss. If I hadn’t had the wall and Stu to support me, I think my knees would have given way and I would’ve ended up on the floor.

‘No.’ He grinned down at me, his thumb still stroking my cheek gently. ‘Definitely no do-overs.’

* * *

Jenn

Lottie and Stuart have been spending a lot of time together.

They’re definitely “an item”. I’m so pleased.

He’s a good man, and he’s making her happy.

She’s less angry and seems to be getting over my death a little more every day.

She’s excited about things again and glowing with new energy and hope.

I’m not sure, because things like this take time to set and fix themselves into the universe, but I’m starting to think that maybe Stuart and Lottie might be soulmates, and maybe they’re meant to be together.

Of course, it doesn’t hurt that Stuart’s one of the nicest, most level-headed pragmatists I’ve ever known. He doesn’t discount ideas as quickly as most people, and has a very open-minded way of looking at life. I think that’s what makes him so good at helping children with additional needs.

It’s what’s made him so supportive of David taking antidepressants.

His simple response to Lottie, when she pushed him for an opinion, was that David seemed happier, calmer and more together with the medication, and if he was sane enough to make the choice for himself, then maybe he didn’t need people to worry about that decision so much.

He’s very open-minded about the idea of a spirit world too. He’s also clearly besotted with my daughter. What more could a mother ask for?

Stuart turned up at Lottie’s door this morning. I don’t know how he managed it, but his dog was sitting on the doormat, grinning up at Lottie through a mouthful of carefully wrapped daffodils when she opened the door. She laughed and bent down to rub his ears and tell him what a lovely dog he was.

A second later, Stuart peered round the wall and held up a brown bag. ‘We thought we’d bring you breakfast and see what you were up to today. It was all Jasper’s idea.’

Aww, he really is a sweet guy. I crossed my fingers and hoped Lottie had been up long enough to get past her usual morning grumps.

‘Well that was very sweet of Jasper.’ Lottie laughed. ‘I’ve not really got much planned. Thought I’d just be lazy and chill out.’

‘Sounds like a good plan to me. Want some company?’

‘Sure.’ Lottie opened the door fully. ‘Come on in Jasper. You can bring Stu too, if he promises to be good.’

‘Doubtful.’ Stuart shot her a wicked grin.

Jasper zoomed straight past me and into the kitchen. Stuart followed and I saw him roll his eyes. ‘Stop begging you muppet, Lottie will think I never feed you. Besides, she hasn’t got anything for you.’

‘Says you.’ Lottie broke a biscuit in half.

‘He’s going to get fat,’ Stuart complained.

‘No he won’t,’ Lottie argued. ‘If he puts on a single ounce I’ll take him running. All right?’

Happy once he’d gulped down his treat, the dog streaked into the living room.

I hadn’t expected him to move quite so fast, and didn’t have time to move out of his way, and he barrelled through me.

He screeched in fear and shot backwards, quivering against the wall.

I felt awful. I would never want to scare a dog.

Lottie dropped to her knees on the living room floor next to the shaking dog, who snapped and snarled at her fingers. She kept them out of harm’s way and stroked his flattened ears gently while murmuring soft, soothing noises. ‘What’s the matter with him? He looks terrified.’

‘I’ve no idea.’ Stuart knelt down beside her. ‘Last time I saw Jasper like this, he’d just been attacked by a cat.’

‘A cat? Really?’

‘Yeah. Bloody mean thing. I’m sorry, he usually doesn’t act like this. He didn’t mean to snap or growl.’

‘It’s all right.’ Lottie reassured them both.

After a few minutes, Jasper calmed down and started to show an interest in me.

I pulled out the red bouncy ball that Daisy had left with me, and started tossing it between my hands.

Jasper watched with fascination. I bounced the ball on the floor and watched the dog’s brown eyes follow the movement.

‘Well he seems all right now.’ Lottie shuffled up onto the couch. ‘So what happened to that breakfast you promised?’

While Stuart went into the kitchen, Jasper edged over to me.

He wriggled across the floor on his belly until he could sniff my outstretched fingers.

After nearly a minute of suspicious sniffing, his ears pricked up and his tail started to wag.

He nudged the ball hopefully with his nose.

I sent it spinning across the floor and he chased after it gleefully.

He snatched it up and skidded to a halt at my feet, tail beating on the floor.

I wrestled the ball off him and threw it again.

Lottie laughed as Stuart came back in. ‘Your dog’s mad. What on earth does he think he’s doing?’

‘I’ve got no idea,’ Stuart admitted, sitting beside her. ‘But he looks like he’s having fun. He gets that look when he’s playing. It’s kinda nice. I’m usually busy looking for another ball or trying to wrestle it off him to throw it again, so I don’t get to see it from this angle.’

‘I can fix that.’ Lottie leaned over Stuart to grab her camera.

With a few quick beeps she changed the settings so the lens clicked and whirred crazily, capturing I don’t know how many images per second.

She followed Jasper’s antics across the room as he ran back to me, and I found myself wishing desperately that she could see me.

I wondered how many thousands of photos she’d taken of me before.

I’d give almost anything to be able to offer her a few more photos.

‘Here, what do you think of these?’

‘This one’s great.’ Stuart peered at the camera screen over her shoulder. ‘I love the look on his face. It’s just like he’s grinning. Shame his front paw is blurred though.’

‘Don’t worry.’ Lottie grinned. ‘I had it on rapid fire.’ She started clicking through the pictures more quickly.

‘What’s that? At the corner of the frame? It almost looks like smoke...’

‘I don’t know. Dust on the lens maybe?’ Lottie flipped the camera over to check. ‘Looks clean enough.’ Her eyes widened as she flicked through more of the photos.

‘What is that?’ Stuart stared at the tiny screen. ‘It almost looks like there are hands reaching out of it.’

‘I know.’ I couldn’t see the screen, but Lottie’s jaw clenched as she clicked through the photos more quickly.

‘Jeez... that looks almost like a face.’ Stuart’s voice was hushed.

The camera clattered to the floor as colour drained from Lottie.

I edged forward to look for myself. Right in the corner of the screen, half obscured by Jasper’s excitedly wagging tail, was a hazy figure outlined in shimmering light.

If I squinted I could make out a floaty skirt and a cloud of dark hair surrounding features I knew well.

‘Shit . . . that looks like . . .’

‘Mum.’ Lottie’s voice was choked. ‘It’s my mum.’ She looked straight at me for a few seconds, and for a moment I thought she could see me. Then her eyes dropped back to the camera on the floor. She watched it like she thought it might suddenly jump up and bite her.

Stuart wrapped his arm tightly around her shoulders. ‘Want another look?’

Lottie nodded silently and reached slowly for the camera.

She cradled it between her hands and stared at the screen.

‘Oh God, it’s my mum.’ She shook her head in disbelief and stroked the screen.

When she looked up again her eyes were overly bright with tears, and I had to fight the urge to reach out and comfort her.

‘Mum?’ Her voice was breathless. ‘Are you still here?’

I tried to answer her, to fill the room with scent or to move something, anything to let her know I was there. But the greyness and exhaustion were already gnawing at me.

Lottie laughed nervously, but there was sadness in her eyes. ‘I guess not. I’m not imagining this, am I?’ She offered the camera to Stuart. ‘Please tell me I’m not seeing things.’

‘If you are, then I am too,’ he reassured her. ‘And I don’t think Jasper’s got that good an imagination anyway.’

‘You think Jasper knew she was here?’

Stuart gave her a warm smile. ‘Like I said, he only gets that look when he’s playing with someone. Most animals are a lot more sensitive than we are. I don’t see why he couldn’t see her.’

‘Then you really believe my mum was here?’

‘Yeah. And I think you do too.’ He tapped the camera. ‘And I think anyone seeing these pictures would believe it as well.’

‘Yeah.’ Lottie looked down at the screen again.

‘You know I’ve been on the fence about this a bit.

.. there’s been times I’ve thought I could feel her around me.

I don’t know. A weird warmth and a hint of perfume every so often.

Things that kept moving about... like the bracelet on our first date.

.. But I was scared it was just wishful thinking.

But this... this is pretty undeniable. ’

Stuart squeezed her more tightly and kissed her forehead. ‘It’s kinda cool.’

‘Yeah.’ Lottie nodded, before looking up at Stu again. ‘Thanks for believing in me and not thinking I’m crazy.’

‘Never a problem, babe.’ Stuart grinned and leaned back, spreading himself out on the sofa as he got more comfortable.

‘I can’t wait to show these to Matty and Dad. And Aunt Sarah.’ Lottie paused and gnawed on her thumbnail. ‘Actually maybe not Aunt Sarah. I don’t know how she’d react to it.’

‘Why not?’

Lottie sighed. ‘She’s Catholic. I’d be worried about upsetting her.’

‘How’d you mean?’

‘Well, she believes Mum’s in heaven. If she’s really here, playing with your dog, then clearly she’s not. Wouldn’t you be upset to be told your beliefs are wrong?’

‘I guess. Except I don’t think the photos prove that. Why can’t both things be true? Why can’t she be in heaven, but still visit you?’

‘I guess.’ Lottie hesitated. ‘But that doesn’t feel right. I don’t know why, but it doesn’t.’