Page 51 of Life After Me

‘Nope. I threw myself off a bridge for that.’

‘What?’ That had been the last thing I’d have guessed, and from the look on Ruth’s face, she knew it.

‘It was one of the things Chris planned. I got to my fortieth birthday, and a friend delivered the card and present from Chris. He’d arranged for me to go bungee jumping.

He’d always wanted to do it, but I’d never really liked heights.

He said that he knew I could do anything, but that I needed to know and believe it too, and that once I’d jumped off a bridge, I’d know it for sure.

After that, having sex with someone else didn’t seem such a huge.

.. jump.’ She grinned as she said it and, without make-up, I could see that the corners of her eyes crinkled prettily, drawing attention to her sparkling eyes. My stomach clenched again.

‘You know, the clothes don’t work. You’re still bloody gorgeous.’

‘Then do something about it.’ She folded her arms and challenged me.

‘What do you mean?’ My voice caught slightly in my throat. She leaned in closer, and I found it hard to breathe.

‘I mean find a way to get over it, throw me out, or come here and do something about it.’

‘I can’t.’ I was frozen to the spot.

‘If you’re attracted to me, why shouldn’t you do something about it? If you’re not attracted to me, what’s the problem?’ Her voice was soft and low, and I struggled not to watch her lips as they formed her words.

‘It’s Jenn.’ I pushed myself away from her.

‘All right.’ Ruth settled back into her chair. ‘Tell me.’

I took a deep breath and exhaled a couple of times before I could find the words I needed. ‘Jenn is... still here. She’s still with me. If I got involved with you, I’d feel like I was betraying her.’

‘You... really think Jenn’s still here?’ Ruth’s tone was carefully even.

‘I know it sounds a bit insane, but yes, I do. In fact I know she is. I’m not the only one.

’ I ran my hands through my hair and tried to find the words to explain in a way that wouldn’t have her calling the local psychiatric unit.

‘After she died, Jenn came back. I could feel her around me. At first I thought I was going mad from grief and that she was just a figment of my desperate imagination, but things started to happen that we couldn’t explain away.

I’ve seen her in mirrors and glass, and felt her around.

She’s left gifts and messages that couldn’t have been from anyone else. ’

‘What like?’

‘Well, she used to leave my paints and brushes out to try and get me to paint, and when Matty asked her for advice about his girlfriend, she left her engagement ring in his pocket. She gave a bracelet to Lottie when she was struggling with some things.’ I started to laugh.

‘When she wanted us to clear out some of her stuff, she started leaving black bags everywhere. I mean everywhere, and she didn’t stop until we’d done what she wanted.

’ I swallowed nervously. ‘Are you waiting for me to turn around so you can speed dial the men in white coats?’

‘Not quite. What do you mean when you say you can “feel her” around you?’

‘It’s hard to explain beyond that. We just feel her as a presence around us. Like the feeling you get when you know someone’s watching you, only stronger. Do you know what I mean?’

‘Hmm.’ Ruth nodded slowly. ‘I think I do. Do you get smells too?’

‘What made you ask that?’

Ruth shrugged. ‘Just wondering.’

‘Scent seems to be one of the things we notice most.’ David smiled.

‘Whenever she’s around us, we usually smell honeysuckle and apple.

She always used apple shampoo and wore honeysuckle perfumes.

The air changes until it feels softer and lighter and warmer.

Like somehow you’re being wrapped in sunshine.

Which sounds ridiculous, I know, but it’s true. ’

‘It doesn’t sound that strange.’ Ruth’s voice was choked and the colour had drained from her face. ‘Has she left other things too?’

‘Are you all right?’

Ruth nodded. ‘Yes. Has she left other things? Or changed things? Like dreams, or bad situations?’

‘Yes. All of that and more. Are you sure you’re all right?’

‘I think so.’ She smiled shakily. ‘You didn’t ask me why I suddenly called you and turned up out of the blue. I thought you would.’

‘I guess I was too glad to see you to care.’ The casual words surprised me, ringing true even as I spoke them.

‘You should have asked me. It’s just... I think I might have met your wife. Sort of.’ She let out a long breath, slowly and evenly, before she spoke again. ‘If you’d told me any of this last month, I’d have struggled to believe you, but recently I’ve been experiencing some very strange things.’

‘You think Jenn’s behind them?’ I leaned forward in my seat, desperate to hear what she had to say.

Ruth laughed. ‘Honestly, I didn’t know what to think.

I was starting to think maybe I had an angel watching over me.

I felt this presence around me for days, it was warm and softly scented, like a late summer evening.

Then I had an experience with a patient that was.

.. amazing. He should have died. In fact he was dying, but this.

.. presence intervened, and he didn’t.’

‘What does that have to do with you calling me?’ I struggled to see the connection. But the word presence caught my attention. Surely Jenn hadn’t...

‘Strange dreams. I dreamt of hearing someone crying like their heart was breaking, and when I found him, it was you. I took your hand and we walked back towards the sunshine in a field of feathers.’ She shook her head and buried her face in her hands.

‘Now I’m the one who sounds crazy. Especially because I’ve found two feathers that could have fallen out of the dream since.

To replay the old line about things “sounding strange”, they didn’t feel like ordinary feathers, they felt nice, so I kept them. ’

‘Do you have them with you?’ My heart was pounding so loudly it echoed in my ears. I was convinced it would be Jenn, because there wasn’t anyone else, but I had to see the feathers to know for sure.

‘Sure.’ Ruth grabbed her bag and rummaged around inside.

I tightened my hands into fists with the effort it took not to snatch Ruth’s bag in eagerness.

After what seemed like an age, she pulled out a battered blue organiser that was struggling to stay closed against all the bits of paper that stuck out of it.

She slipped the rubber band off it and flipped it open.

In the middle rested two perfect white feathers, so bright that they seemed to shimmer.

Forcing my hand not to shake, I reached out towards them.

‘May I?’ Ruth nodded and pushed the organiser towards me.

I tried not to laugh as I picked up the feathers and felt goose pimples shoot up my arm.

They definitely felt the same as the ones from Jenn.

‘My family are making a collection of feathers like these. We’ve got dozens of them. Where did yours come from?’

‘One on my windscreen the morning after I’d been with the patient I told you about, and the other in my Filofax. Stuck to the page with your name on it.’ She laughed. ‘So I’m probably being haunted by your dead wife. At least that means my phone’s probably all right.’

‘What?’

Ruth shrugged. ‘There’s been a couple of times I’ve got my phone out my bag, only to find that it’s unlocked and your number is on the screen.

I think it might even have called you a few times.

I was starting to think it was faulty and that I’d have to take it in for repairs.

At least now I know it’s probably not going loopy, and neither am I. ’

‘You’re taking this all remarkably well.’ I wasn’t sure whether I should be worried about Ruth’s reaction or not. It was a lot more down to earth than I’d even hoped for. Instead of being angry or freaked out, she seemed amused.

Ruth snorted with laughter and rested her chin on the heel of her hand. ‘You forget what it is I do for a living. I spend a lot more time thinking about death and the afterlife than the average person. If I’m totally honest, I’ve come across more than a few odd things in my career.’

‘What like?’ Now that we’d started talking about this, I didn’t want her to stop.

Ruth rocked back in her chair and looked away.

For a moment I was worried that the question was far too personal and that I’d somehow upset her with my eagerness to hear more about Jenn.

But after a moment, Ruth bit her lips together and began to speak again, her voice and eyes somewhere further away than in the room with me.

‘I’ve seen patients, who I would have sworn couldn’t move from pain and exhaustion, sit up in bed and hold out their hands and smile like they’ve never been happier.

I’ve seen others open their eyes and have completely normal-sounding conversations with people I couldn’t see or hear.

I’m not the only one either. It’s not something we really talk about, but on the very rare occasions that we do, anyone who’s been doing this job for long will have their own stories.

You know when someone’s dying. It’s something you just can’t escape.

You actually feel the soul leave their body.

Something changes in those final moments that I can’t even begin to explain.

’ Her voice croaked, and she hesitated, before swallowing hard and continuing.

‘I don’t think it’s completely out of the realms of possibility to think that someone’s soul could linger on.

If a spirit or angel or whatever can come to welcome a dying person and soothe them, then I don’t see why someone couldn’t stay on after they’ve died.

If it was what they really wanted.’ She looked back at me, her eyes overly bright with emotion.

‘So you really believe me? About Jenn and everything?’ I was scared to hear her answer, in case she said no.

‘Yeah.’ Ruth nodded slowly. ‘Just . . .’