Page 54 of Life After Me

‘Yeah.’ I struggled to find something to say. I had to say something. ‘So that was...’

‘About what I expected.’ Ruth filled in the missing words far too easily for my liking, and she was careful not to touch me. The distance hurt terribly.

‘You expected me to be bad in bed?’ It was getting worse and worse. I wished the ground would open up and swallow me whole. I’d never been so embarrassed.

She rolled over to face me and propped her head up on her hand.

‘No. I expected us to both be nervous.’ Her hand slipped beneath the sheets to find mine, and she brought it to her lips and placed a kiss on the inside of my wrist, allowing me to breathe a sigh of relief.

‘You were practically shaking with nerves.’

‘I guess it was pretty crap. Sorry.’ I felt the heat rising in my cheeks again — my own embarrassment apparently trying to make me glow in the dark — and looked away.

‘It’s all right.’ Ruth stroked the inside of my arm. ‘If you’re nice, I’ll let you make it up to me later.’

‘Wow.’ I gawped, shocked she hadn’t already made an excuse to escape and never speak to me again.

Instead, she was giving me another chance.

‘You really are something else.’ I kissed the tips of each of her fingers, amazed at how understanding she was being, and how much that put me at ease.

That is one of the lovely things about Ruth — she’s so easy to be around.

‘I know.’ Ruth grinned cheekily. ‘So, to change the subject, have you got any plans for Christmas?’

‘Lottie’s decided she’s cooking Christmas dinner.

’ I tried not to grimace at the thought of a Christmas without Jenn, and the empty spot at the table, and missing gifts under the tree.

‘Matty and Lucy are coming down on Christmas Eve, spending Christmas Day with us, then heading off to see her parents on Boxing Day. What about you?’

‘Lisa isn’t getting home until the twenty-third, and she has to be back at university by the twenty-seventh.

She’s got a job up there and they want her at work.

I guess I’m lucky to have her for as long as I will.

My brother-in-law and his family will probably come over at some point while she’s still here.

We’ve stayed pretty close even after Chris passed away. ’

‘That’s nice.’ I wondered how close I’d stay with the rest of Jenn’s family. As much as Sarah and I get along, and I know she’ll always be there for the kids, I somehow couldn’t see us spending much time together.

‘Yeah. So, we’re both free on the twenty-second and most of the twenty-third.’

‘Sounds like it.’ I twisted a lock of her hair between my fingers. ‘Do you fancy dinner?’ I tried to appear casual, but I’m pretty sure I didn’t have Ruth fooled for a second.

‘Only if you promise it’s not turkey.’ Ruth grinned.

‘Don’t you find this a little... odd?’ I was suddenly worried again.

‘What?’ Ruth tilted her head. ‘Two friends talking about Christmas plans? Nope.’

‘Naked?’

‘Nope. I call that good planning.’ She laughed. ‘You do have a point though.’ She slipped out from under the covers and started pulling on her top.

‘Where are you going?’ I sat up, feeling cold loneliness bite where her warmth had been seconds ago.

‘Getting dressed.’

‘Do you have to?’

‘No. I guess I don’t have to.’ She hesitated, then dropped the top to the floor.

‘Then can we stay like this a bit longer? Please.’ I caught her wrist and pulled her back into bed, where she snuggled against me. ‘Hmm.’ I sighed into her hair. ‘Thanks.’

‘For what?’ Her lips tickled my chest as she murmured the question against my bare skin, and something close to joy tickled in my stomach.

‘Just for... everything.’ I shrugged and tucked my hands comfortably behind my head. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d been so relaxed.

* * *

Her warmth shifted next to me, coaxing me from my dreams, and I sleepily wrapped my arm around her waist. I didn’t bother to open my eyes as I pulled her against me, still half asleep.

I nuzzled the back of her neck, and she moaned and shifted her body closer to mine, fitting her curves around my body as I groaned and pulled her closer.

She moved against me, and with me. Her head fell back against my shoulder and a soft murmur escaped from her lips as I cupped one of her breasts in my palm and kissed the back of her neck. Her hand caught mine and drew it down across her stomach as she shifted into a better position.

I pulled her more tightly against me, whispering into her ear. ‘Jenn...’

The warmth froze and I immediately realised my mistake. Shit. Did I risk moving? Long seconds passed before she spoke.

‘Damn.’ Her fingers uncurled from mine and she sagged against the bed, all the delicious, exciting tension gone in a single, thoughtless word. ‘Just as things were getting interesting as well.’

‘Oh my God, Ruth. I’m so, so sorry. I can’t believe I just did that. Shit, Ruth...’

‘You’re going to want to talk about this, aren’t you?’ Her voice was tired as the bed sheets rustled around her.

‘Don’t you? Of course we should talk about it, but I didn’t mean it, Ruth. It was just a slip of the tongue. Ruth, please forgive me.’ Panic made my words trip over each other. ‘I wouldn’t blame you for running away and never seeing me again.’

‘It’s all right.’

‘No, no it’s not. I can’t believe I just did that. Here I am in bed with you, and I called out my wife’s name.’ I couldn’t forgive myself. Even if Jenn had blessed — hell, she’d kick-started whatever was happening between me and Ruth — confusing them was unforgivable.

‘David, it’s all right. Ouch .’ There was a thump and she gasped in pain.

‘What’s the matter?’

‘Just whacked my wrist on something while I was looking for the light.’

I fumbled for the lamp. Ruth squinted and blinked as it flickered into life.

‘I am so, so sorry.’

‘Stop.’ She held up her hand. ‘Just stop and look at me.’ She wrapped the sheet around her body more tightly and tucked it under her arms. ‘I’m not kicking you out, or running away and I’m not especially hurt or angry.’

‘You should be. I would be if the reverse had happened.’

Ruth sighed. ‘Maybe, maybe not. The thing is, David, we’re in a very strange position.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘I think it’s only fair and honest to say that if either Chris or Jenn were still alive, we’d probably never have met,’ Ruth explained quietly.

‘And even if we had, I doubt we’d have become friends, and we certainly wouldn’t be here.

Neither of us is the other’s first choice.

That’s all right, so long as we both understand and accept it.

Can you do that?’ Her eyes searched mine.

I sat quietly, thinking. It all made sense the way Ruth put it.

She didn’t want to replace Jenn, and wasn’t looking for me to replace her husband.

Nothing I could ever do, or be, would change the fact that she had loved her husband, and still did.

Nothing would ever take away from the huge part that he had played in her life, just like nothing and no one would ever replace Jenn and everything that she was, and still is, to me.

She will always be my true love, my best friend, my wife, and the mother of my children.

I didn’t have to stop loving her, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t still have laughter, friendship and even sex in my life.

I laughed as the last of the guilt lifted off my shoulders.

‘Yeah, I think I can.’

‘Good.’ Ruth pushed her hair back. ‘Then I believe you have some making up to do?’