Page 39 of Life After Me

When the car had finally been loaded up, Ruth waved David off with a smile.

She’s going to call him at the weekend. Allegedly it’s so she can let him decide whether or not to go through the insurance companies once she’s got an estimate from her garage.

But looking at the damage I caused to both cars, there’s no way it isn’t an insurance job.

There must be a couple of thousand pounds’ worth of damage at least. But that is what insurance is for.

If I’m right about this woman, she’s more than worth the excess and any change in the premium.

I just hope David’s not too upset with me.

* * *

David

I slammed the door so hard the windows rattled. What the hell was Jenn playing at? What she did was stupid and dangerous and pointless.

I slammed the daffodil bulb that had nearly killed me down on the kitchen table and winced as pain shot through my hand. Was that the point? Had Jenn actually been trying to kill me?

Shock shivered through the air around me.

No, she hadn’t been trying to kill me. I knew that.

I collapsed into a chair as sorrow filled the air.

I guess even ghosts can make mistakes. She hadn’t realised how much speed I was going to pick up coming down the hill, and in fairness, if I hadn’t had my arm across the middle of the steering wheel, the airbag would never have hit me with enough force to do the damage it did.

With Jenn humming in the air around me, I remembered what I’d always known. She’d never deliberately hurt me. She just didn’t have it in her.

‘So what the hell were you trying to do? I know it was you, Jenn. I felt you in the car just before that thing...’ I glared at the bulb, ‘jammed under my brake pedal.’

She stayed quiet, refusing to answer me. The feeling in the air changed, and for a moment I could have sworn it felt like regret.

‘Come on, Jenn. You owe me an answer.’ My patience snapped when she still stayed silent. ‘Have you any idea how horrible that was for me? I felt like it was the accident all over again. I thought I’d lost you again.’

Sorrow and warmth flooded me, and I felt like an idiot.

Of course she knew how I’d felt. She’d been with me the whole time.

Both times. Jenn understood the pain and terror of being in a car crash better than anyone, me included.

It must have been agonising for her to stay in the car beside me, surrounded by my fear and her memories, but she had stayed with me.

She moved in closer and filled me with warmth and a sense of love and peace so deep that the throbbing pain in my hand and nose disappeared. I couldn’t help but smile.

‘I know you didn’t mean to hurt me, and I know you’re sorry, but I still don’t understand why you did it. What was the point, Jenn? Why did you take such a crazy risk?’

My wallet thumped to the floor and the scrap of paper with Ruth’s number scribbled on it fluttered across the floor, accompanied by one of Jenn’s white feathers. I stooped to pick them both up and smoothed the number flat.

‘I don’t understand. This is just the details of the woman I hit. She wasn’t hurt, but you should already know that.’

If Jenn had an explanation, she didn’t share it with me.

I stared at the words and numbers that curved across the paper and wondered what they were supposed to mean to me.

I tried to find some hidden meaning in them, something that would explain Jenn’s actions, but it was nothing more than a name, address and phone number.

After a minute or so I came to the conclusion that it didn’t represent anything other than a way to get in contact with someone.

I gave up and shoved it back in my wallet.

‘I don’t know what this is all about, Jenn, but I’m not interested in riddles right now. I just want to relax with you, and forget this day ever happened. Is that all right?’

The air around me shimmered and blurred as Jenn wrapped around me and slid into my consciousness. Peace washed through me, and the tension in my back and shoulders melted away.

‘Thank you.’ I crossed my arms with a happy sigh and stared at the bookcase. ‘The daffodil bulb was a nice touch.’

Her laughter echoed through the air. Why is it I can always feel what she does, and hear her laughter and tears, but never her voice?

I miss hearing her voice. I miss her.

* * *

Jenn

Oh good God, I think I’ve made a terrible mistake.

I don’t think I can do this. What was I thinking?

Why did I start this chain of events? David’s my husband.

We’re supposed to be together for ever. That’s what we promised each other.

It feels so right when we’re together. It’s so easy and natural.

Even like this. Neither of us has ever been happier than when we’re wrapped up in each other’s thoughts and feelings.

I don’t want this to change. I don’t want us to change.

Oh my God, what have I done? I’ve found this perfect, wonderful woman and I introduced her to my husband. What the hell was I thinking? She’s going to call, once she’s had a chance to get a quote on her car.

It would be so easy for them to change each other’s lives for ever.

All it would take is a tiny spark, one single moment of heated intensity, and things would never be the same again.

I can already see how it could happen. The conversations to sort this mess I’ve made would become more than just that.

Maybe a few jokes when they discover they share the same sense of humour, and then they’ll talk more and discover they actually have a lot in common.

They’ll develop a friendship and then notice the spark between them, and then they’ll be more than “just” friends.

It could all happen so easily. All because of a burst water pipe and a daffodil bulb I nudged under a brake pedal.

Oh, I don’t want her to call. I don’t want her and David to talk and become friends. I don’t want them to notice the spark. I’m jealous just thinking about it and, if I’m honest, I’m scared as well.

What happens to me if I’m right? What happens if there is a spark between them, and they fall in love?

Without David here, loving me and grounding me in his world, what will happen to me?

Will I just fade away into nothingness, or be forced to move on before I’m ready?

It all sounds so silly. Why should anyone be afraid of paradise?

But the truth is, we’re all afraid of change.

No one ever really wants to die, and this feels the same.

In a way it shouldn’t really matter. I’m already dead. I’m not sure I’m even supposed to be here. As long as David is happy, that should be all that matters. I’m just not sure if it is.

I thought life was complicated, but it has nothing on death.