Page 47 of Life After Me

Ruth

That’s it. I’ve had enough of whatever’s going on with David. He hasn’t replied to a single text, call or email in nearly two weeks. I don’t want to be needy or nagging, and I really hate confrontation, but he’s my friend and this behaviour is so out of character for him that I’m worried.

I slammed the phone down for the last time and drove to his house before I could change my mind.

I knocked at his door and stepped back slightly so the light didn’t hit me fully.

If he really was avoiding me, I didn’t want to give him the chance to spot me and refuse to open the door.

I don’t know what I’ve done to upset him, but I should have been given the chance to make it right.

I clasped my hands behind my back to try and stop them shaking.

When David opened the door a huge grin spread across his face, but it was quickly replaced by a look of horror. ‘Ruth, what are you doing here?’

‘Seems to be the only way I can get your attention.’ He refused to answer the challenge, or meet my eyes. ‘So you are all right then?’ I crossed my arms and stared at him.

‘Umm . . . should I not be?’

‘Well I was half-hoping you’d had some sort of accident where you’d broken every one of your fingers. Although tongue-numbing laryngitis would have done too. Either would have given you a good excuse for not returning any of my calls.’

‘Oh. Sorry about that.’

‘So, are you busy?’

‘Not really.’

He looked awkward.

‘So do I get an invite in?’ I wondered what was going on with him.

‘I don’t think it’s a good idea, Ruth.’ The words seemed to hurt him. ‘I don’t think we should see each other anymore.’

‘David.’ I stepped forward and reached out to him, but he pulled away. ‘Have I done something to upset you? Have I said something wrong?’

‘No, no. It’s nothing like that, nothing you’ve done. I just... don’t want to see you anymore. I’m sorry, Ruth.’

Ouch. His words hurt as much as if he’d reached out and struck me, but I forced myself to keep my tone casual and even.

Something was going on here, and I wanted to know what.

I leaned back against the door frame, partly to stop David from shutting the door on me, and partly to hide my shaking hands.

I really, really hate confrontation. But I don’t think I’d realised how important David’s friendship had become until now.

‘All right. I’ll go and leave you in peace.

But only after you’ve explained to me why I’m walking away. I think you owe me that much.’

‘I can’t.’ David shook his head, unable to meet my eye.

‘Why not?’ I couldn’t hear his reply at first, so I made him repeat it.

‘I can’t . . . it’s too embarrassing.’

‘I thought we were friends, David.’

‘We are.’ He nodded.

‘But not good friends. Not important friends who are worth fighting to keep. Because apparently you’re willing to end our friendship because you’re embarrassed about something.

Call me stupid and self-centred, but I thought our friendship was worth more than that.

’ I started to lose control and my voice began to crack.

‘Thanks a lot for putting me straight.’ I didn’t want him to see me get upset, so I turned away and headed back to my car.

‘Wait. Ruth, wait.’ David followed me. He was standing in the middle of his driveway, barefoot. ‘I’m sorry, Ruth.’

‘Are you going to tell me what’s going on?’ I crossed my arms and waited.

He mumbled something.

‘What?’

‘I like you, Ruth. I can’t stop thinking about you.’ He couldn’t meet my gaze and he turned bright red.

‘Thinking about me how?’ I was pretty sure I knew the answer, but I needed to hear it from him.

‘In the inappropriate sense.’ David forced the words out between gritted teeth.

‘Oh.’

‘I can’t be friends with you while I think of you like that. I’m sorry.’ He shook his head sadly.

‘Would it help if I told you that I might have thought of you like that too?’

‘Really?’ David caught my gaze then looked away. ‘No. No, that doesn’t help at all. That’s even worse. It’s just not right. I’m still in love with Jenn.’

His words resonated painfully and trapped my breath in my chest, forcing my words to a whisper. ‘If I’m honest, I don’t think I’ve ever really stopped loving Chris.’

‘So you understand why I can’t see you anymore.’

‘No. Not really.’

‘But—’

‘David,’ I interrupted. ‘This isn’t a conversation I really want to have on a doorstep. Can I come in?’ The gap between us seemed huge as the silence stretched out.

‘All right.’ David slowly headed back into his house. ‘Can I get you a drink?’

‘Sure.’ My nerves were jangling as I followed him into the kitchen, trying to work out what to say, and how best to handle the situation.

‘Tea or coffee? Or something else?’

I shrugged and stuffed my hands into my pockets. It was easier than trying to work out what to do with them. ‘Whatever you’re having.’

‘There’s a good bottle of Zinfandel in the fridge.’

‘OK.’ I shrugged and watched as he opened the wine in silence.

He poured a couple of large glasses and handed one to me.

I took a small sip before setting it down on the breakfast bar.

It was good, but I was driving, and I didn’t think alcohol was really going to help the situation.

David disagreed and downed half his glass in one go.

‘Well, this is nice and awkward,’ I observed.

‘Yeah. It is a bit,’ David agreed. ‘So, how have you been?’

‘All right, thanks.’

‘How’s work?’

‘About the same as usual.’

‘And Lisa?’

‘She’s fine. Settling into university. Not missing me anywhere near as much as I am her. David?’ I waited until he looked up at me properly. ‘I didn’t really come round here for small talk.’

‘No. I guess you didn’t. Living room?’

‘Sure.’ I followed him through and watched as he paced and fidgeted uncomfortably, lapping the room again and again. ‘David, sit down and talk to me.’

He looked around and flopped into the chair furthest away from me.

‘I don’t even know where to start.’ He rubbed the back of his neck worriedly.

‘Well, first you said you don’t want to see me anymore, then you said you liked me. How was it you phrased it? Oh yes, in an “inappropriate way”. And when I admitted I might have thought about you that way too, you reacted in a way that some people might consider insulting.’

‘Did I really react that badly?’

‘It wasn’t your best moment.’ I sat back into the cushions.

‘So how about that as a place to start? You could try explaining why the thought of us together is so utterly abhorrent to you. I mean, don’t think I’m vain, but I like to think of myself as still being vaguely attractive to the opposite sex. ’

‘You are. That’s the problem.’ David shrugged helplessly.

‘I’m going to need more than that, David.’

‘I’m still in love with my wife. She’s still around me and part of my life.’

‘You feel like you’re betraying her?’

He nodded silently.

‘Because you’re attracted to me, you don’t want to see me?’

‘I know it probably sounds silly to you, but I don’t know what else to do.’

‘Why don’t you just keep seeing me anyway?’ I kept my voice soft. ‘Without putting too fine a point on it, Jenn’s dead. Where’s the harm? We’re just friends. If anything else happens, and I’m not saying it will, then we can deal with it then.’

‘Look Ruth, you’ve been a good friend and you’ve helped me a lot, but I can’t keep betraying Jenn.’

‘All right.’ I wanted to argue with him, and tell him he was being an idiot, but it wasn’t fair.

It’s not even been a year since he lost his wife.

It took me a lot longer than that to come to terms with Chris’s passing, and I’d had the benefit of time to prepare beforehand.

This was David’s grief and his life, and he had to handle that in the way that was best for him.

I just wish he could find a way to do that which didn’t cost me his friendship.

I stood up and brushed imaginary dust off my jeans, and dug in my bag for my keys.

My fingers wrapped around them almost instantly, but I kept rummaging for longer while I composed myself.

When I looked up, I managed to give him a bright smile.

It was a fake one, but I’ve had plenty of years to perfect it.

It’s the same one I used for years when people asked if I was all right, and now it’s the one I use at work when people need to see a smiling confident face that tells them everything is all right, even when it isn’t and never will be again.

‘So, I guess we’ll see each other around?’ David followed me to the front door.

‘Maybe.’ It wasn’t a big town, but I hadn’t remembered ever bumping into him before we met. Our circles were different, and that was fine. My smile faltered as I opened the door and turned to face him. I let my hand fall to his on the door handle, and my fingers wrapped briefly around his.

He stood silently for a moment, watching my hand on top of his. ‘I’m sorry, Ruth.’

‘Yeah, me too. It’s all right though. I think I understand.’ I took a deep breath and forced the smile back to my lips, even though I really felt like crying. ‘Take care of yourself, David.’