Page 77

Malia

I wake up with a groan.

Fun, there’s banging at my door.

"You have ten seconds before I enter." That’s the warning I get before my door swings open and Flint bursts in.

"You are in a lot of trouble, young lady." Huh? I tiredly sit up, rubbing the sleep from my eyes.

"Flint, what time is it?"

"I’ll add asking for the time to the list of privileges you now no longer have.

That along with getting paid for teaching the guards.

Which, by the way, you’ll be busy doing from now on since they’re all scared and angry. At least they’re eager to learn now.

"Did I mention that you’re in deep shit? I told you to keep your mouth shut about the missing guards and less than a day later, everyone is demanding answers.

Maybe I’ve been too soft on you since you clearly think yourself important enough to disobey my direct orders."

"You seriously need to slow down because I’m not following," I stop him, moving my hands to rub my temples instead, which, thanks to him and his rant, are already throbbing first thing in the morning.

"I told you about the missing guards, explicitly mentioning to keep it a secret.

Now, everyone knows, and things are a mess, which means you’ve told people."

"What? I haven’t told anyone.

Only Keahi, but you knew I would do that," I argue, trying to catch up.

"Then I guess he spread the news," he snaps.

My instincts to protect him quickly jump in.

"No, he hasn’t.

I must’ve-" Flint cuts me off.

"Save it.

You don’t need to cover for him.

I told you I’d have your head, so whether it was you that spread the news, or your little boyfriend doesn’t matter to me.”

"He wouldn’t-"

"He did.

The consequences of your actions are that our deal is off.

One side of it, at least. You’ll still work for me. There’s not much more I can do to punish you, but if there was, believe me, I would. You have no idea how messy things are and will be from now on. Thanks a lot, your lesson starts at 9." He turns to my door, clearly dismissing me, but I jump to my feet and clutch his arm.

“Wait, you can’t do this.

Please, Flint, let me clear this up.

I don’t know what happened but I can fix it. Give me a chance. You can’t just cut my salary,” I beg as rare panic claws at my throat. Not again. One step forward, three back. I can’t be a prisoner again.

His free hand encircles mine on his arm and gently peels them away.

“I gave you your chance, Malia, despite everyone advising me against it.

This is out of my hands. I’m as disappointed about this as you, but it’s not my fault you keep placing your trust in the wrong hands.” So he turns and leaves, leaving me in a stunned silence.

It takes a moment for things to settle in, but once they do, there’s some heartache accompanying them.

Keahi threw me under the bus.

Sticky betrayal slowly coats my insides, making my body feel a ton heavier until I slump against the wall.

Whatever freedom I had for a short while is gone.

It’ll always be the same for me, won’t it? I seriously need to stop being surprised or sensitive about it.

I’m sure Keahi had a reason to tell the guards.

It’s fine.

I wish he’d told me beforehand, but he’ll surely find me and explain soon.

I ignore the weight on my chest and get ready for my day, pushing all thoughts of what I lost aside.

Turns out it’s already past 8 o’clock, so I start preparing for the lesson later.

Flint indicated that there might be more students today, so I better be prepared.

Half an hour later, people start pouring into the room until Flint finally joins us.

"I know you’re angry and confused, but you now know as much as any of us," he starts addressing the crowd.

I say crowd because there are like twenty people in this room.

We barely all fit, and it’ll only get worse when they’re supposed to fight. Stars, what has my man gotten me into?

"This is Malia, as many of you know.

She’ll teach you new methods to fight and protect yourselves.

Good luck." He walks closer to me and lowers his voice.

"You can train them here and in room 18.

Make it work." With that, he leaves, making me realize that whatever fragile “friendship” we might’ve had is over now too.

I’m really nailing the being-a-good-friend thing. Wystan and Dustin? Gone. Now the only other person that resembled a friend is pissed at me too.

I give the guards some general advice and rules before dividing them into groups.

Each group consists of guards that use more or less the same weapons.

Then, I just work with each group individually, showing them moves and telling them to practice before moving to the next one in the other room.

When everyone’s finally busy, I get my first break in hours.

Flint was right, they really are eager to learn.

They’re asking questions and keeping me occupied. It almost makes me forget what dump I’ve gotten myself in. Yesterday I would have loved this. Today, it seems less thrilling.

I’m a pawn again.

Giving everything I can and getting nothing in return.

I check my phone for any messages from Keahi only to be met with an empty screen.

There’s an explanation for this.

I keep reminding myself that Keahi wouldn’t have hurt me intentionally or if there was anything he could have done about it. It’s just a little hard not to jump to conclusions when he’s MIA.

Two more hours of instructing and watching the guards fight pass until we get interrupted.

A group of people is blocking my view of the door, but I hear who it is instantly.

"Sorry, let me pass real quick.

Sorry." The room goes quiet as Keahi pushes his way toward me.

"What are you doing here? I’m busy," I hiss only for him to hear.

Of course, I’d like to know what he has to say but certainly not here when everyone’s eyes are on me.

I have a job to do, and he is only a distraction right now.

"I need to talk to you," he says urgently.

"Oh, I know that.

It’ll have to wait though.

I’ll see you when I’m done here." My tone is dismissive and my eyes rest anywhere but his face. It would be hard to look at him and still turn him away, especially when I’m this desperate to talk to him. Only a few more hours.

"Okay, you’re right.

I’m sorry.

Text me when you’re done," he says. I nod, and he finally leaves. I take a deep breath to focus before addressing my students.

"Did I tell you to stop? If you die on your next mission, it’s your own damn fault," I yell coldly.

There are two options for me right now.

Face my feelings and get sad or distance myself from all of this and be angry. Oh sweet, old option two. I raise my head and let my old companion flood my veins until rage is numbing all my cells.

When I get to my room four hours later, sticky with the sweaty, stuffy air that made up the training rooms I was stuck in without a break all day, I find Keahi sitting on my bed.

He all but jumps to his feet at the sight of me, clearly about to pick up a conversation I am in on way calm enough to have right now.

I push past his form and tell him, “I’m taking a shower.” My words are clipped, preparing him for the confrontation he’s about to have with me.

I don’t intend to fight with him about this like we used to do.

I’d like to believe we’re past that, but every time I try to just drop my anger, a voice in the back of my head calls me a traitor to myself.

Still, by the time I leave my bathroom feeling a little fresher, I’ve made a mental note to not storm off or throw him out at any point of our talk.

I’ll hear him out and he’ll have to do the same for me.

He watches me wearily, slowly getting to his feet this time.

I can appreciate the respect behind the gesture.

“I saw your class was a lot more crowded today. I’m guessing the news about the disappearances spread?” he starts.

“They have,” I confirm, not giving him an inch even though I can tell he’s on pins and needles.

After not gracing me with a warning or a text all day, he deserves to sweat a little.

“Does Flint know? Did he talk to you already? Because if he plans on giving you a hard time when it’s my fault word got out, I’ll put an end to it.”

“Why don’t we start with how the news got out not twelve hours after I told you to keep it a secret? If you’re so sure it was your fault, I take it we weren’t overheard when I told you in the cafeteria.

You really leaked the information?” I prompt, unable to keep the note of hurt out of my voice.

It’s not the direction I wanted this conversation to take, with my being vulnerable instead of angry, but it hurts to think that Keahi would throw me under the bus so easily.

He takes a step closer, seeming about to reach out for my hand before he stops himself.

“I did.

I only meant to tell Wystan while we were on watch, but they were set on letting everyone know to keep them safe, and I didn’t stop them. I’m really sorry if this hurts you. What did Flint say?” His words are soft, and a part of me, the lenient one, understands his reasoning. After all, I agree that the guards should have known as well.

But the tired part of me, that one is just fed up that I’m being punished for others’ gain again.

“He said I’m back to working for free,” I say as evenly as possible, still trying to be calm about this.

“That’s not fair.

I’ll talk to him, tell him you had nothing to do with it.

I won’t let you take the fall for my actions, I promise.”

“Absolutely don’t talk to him.

This was the deal, after all.

If his secret got out because of me, no matter how far down the chain the misstep was made, it would me I who’d get punished. You’re not going to change his mind on this, especially if it is out of his hands like he told me. All you’d achieve is getting yourself on his radar again, and I really don’t need that on top of things.”

“But I can’t just do nothing.

He can’t keep you here as a slave.

You deserve to be paid for what you do,” he argues, making my frustration rise in my throat.

“I know I do, but you can’t change anything about it now.

This once, respect my wishes and don’t make things even worse for me, will you?” I snap.

His face falls, cresting with apparent sympathy and not a small amount of hurt.

It takes the wind out of my sails, making me backtrack.

“I’m sorry.

I don’t mean to be mad,” I say.

“No, don’t apologize.

You have every right to be mad at me.

I’d rather you speak your mind now than letting it fester inside until you resent me. It’s my fault you got into trouble. That Flint took away your right to paid hours. I know how much that meant to you. I should have stopped Wystan from spreading the information.”

“Why didn’t you?” I demand.

I might be able to excuse his wanting to look out for his partner and telling them, but if he could’ve made sure it stayed at that, why didn’t he?

He looks unsure, running an agitated hand over his face.

“I guess I agreed with them that all guards deserve to know.

You said so yourself, don’t you remember?”

“Don’t belittle me, I know exactly what I said.

Maybe if you had gone about this differently and worked with me to figure out a plan, we’d be having a different conversation.

But you didn’t do that. You lied to me when you promised to keep the secret, saying you could do it for me. You left me in the dark when you should have known from the start that you’d want to let everyone it concerns know. Instead of talking to me, you stabbed me in the back and now I’m on square fucking one again.”

The more I speak, the more the suppressed rage bubbles up until it feels like an avalanche rolling over me.

After everything I’ve done and the lengths I’ve gone to keep him well and safe, he couldn’t keep my secret for one day.

He didn’t even grace me with a warning.

“You’re right, I should be mad.

I am mad.

I thought things were going to be different now, that I was getting past the point in my life where I was nothing but a means to an end to the people around me, but I guess this is just my life. Inescapable. And after everything, you were so willing to sacrifice me, and for what? Mh, Keahi? What was it? The sake of your conscience?” A manic laugh breaks past my lips as a tremble takes up my limbs. I shake with the anger and indignation until it’s potent in every cell of my body. Too much. Too unfair. I don’t fucking deserve this. I don’t deserve to be back in this place where I’m not valued or paid.

It’s like an out-of-body experience.

“Do you have any idea what this means to me? What you did?” I shove at his chest, barely keeping another crazes laugh at bay even though I don’t find this funny in the least.

“I was so close to gaining some independence for the first time ever! Now, I’m tied to this place again, with no way out visible in the near future.

No light at the end of this shitshow of a tunnel I’ve been stuck in all my life.

I deserve more than this. Especially from you!”

I pound both of my fists against his chest where he’s now backed up against the wall while he takes the beating silently.

It does nothing to quench the tremble in my limbs, but before I can hurt him, I take a step back and keel over on a gut-wrenching scream.

It’s the outlet my frustration needs, straining my vocal cords.

When I’m done, my chest heaving, I bring my burning eyes to him.

“Explain yourself,” I order.

He jumps at the prompt, looking eager to pacify me.

“I waited for as long as I could before telling Wystan, but I couldn’t justify it any longer when I felt myself drifting off during our watch.

I was scared that in my tired state, I wouldn’t be able to defend Wystan if it came to a confrontation or even hold my own in a fight, and I didn’t want either of us to have to live with it if something had happened to them because we didn’t fill them in on the elevated level of danger we were in.

“I asked them not to tell anyone and they said they wouldn’t, but it changed once I told them about the missing guard.

It hit to close to home for them, knowing people are losing loved ones, so they went back on their word and alerted the other guards on watch.

You’re right, it seems impossible that I’d betray you like that after everything you’ve done for me, but you have to understand that I didn’t just do it for my conscience. I did it knowing what it would do to you too to lose Wystan without the prospect of ever making up, and that was a possibility last night. I had to tell them.

“I should have warned you though, alerted you or called you first, but we’re not allowed our phones on watch, and I passed out the second I got home.

I swear, I didn’t plan on telling anyone when you told me.

I didn’t even know I’d be put on watch with Wystan at that point. If you don’t want me to talk to Flint, I won’t, but if there’s anything I can do to help, to remind you that you can trust me, I’ll do it.” His eyes are pleading and earnest.

I let his words sink in, forcing them to penetrate the wall of rage and think clearly about them.

Even in my state, I can admit that he’s right about protecting Wystan for both of our sake.

I can condone that, and I can’t blame my former friend for throwing me under the bus to keep others from experiencing the loss they’re going through by having lost Dustin.

But after all that, I still hate that I’m the one being punished.

It was the right thing to alert the guards, objectively speaking, but it still hurts.

“If you want me to leave for now so you can think about what I said and how to proceed with me, I understand.

I don’t want to leave things like this, but it’s your choice,” he adds carefully.

I turn away from him and sigh, needing a break from looking into his expressive eyes.

It’s hard to focus when I see his determination to make things right.

Or better, at least.

“You don’t have to go.

If nothing else, we’re past that point in our relationship,” I concede, my voice no longer shrill and loud.

“I get why you told Wystan and even why you didn’t stop them. We did all agree that everyone it concerns should know. All but Flint, unfortunately. That doesn’t erase the fact that you hurt my feelings with the way you threw me under the bus. I’m disappointed, in this situation and you.

“It feels like every time I believe things are looking up, that I’m beating the odds and creating something good for myself, it’s snatched away from me and I’m the idiot that got her hopes up.

It’s draining, and I’m sick of being everyone’s punching bag.

Every time something happens, I pick the short straw.”

One big hand encircles my shoulder, his thumb brushing over the uniform.

“You’re not an idiot.

You’re incredibly resilient, and I wish you didn’t have to be, and I wish it wasn’t my fault you feel this way, but we’ll get through this. The guards knowing will have a positive impact. I just know it. Once Flint and the other people at the top realize that too, they’ll have to restore all your privileges. If anyone can convince them, it’ll be you,” he speaks to my back. I let his words wash over me, taking strength from the conviction he voices.

No matter how much I want to say Fuck you to this entire institution, I need to be smart about this.

If I can convince Flint to pay me again, I’ll have a stable job near Keahi with good hours and doing something I like.

Something I’m good at. It’s what I deserve, so I’m going to get it.

Be patient.

Be smart.

Be a fighter. I take two deep breaths and turn in his hold, stepping forward until his arms come around me and the side of my face is pressed against his chest. He drops a reverent kiss to the top of my head, easing my scorn towards his role in my demise.

“I’m still annoyed at you,” I mumble against him even as my bad mood dissipates with every stroke of his hand against my back.

It’s a good reminder that maybe, this entire situation isn’t all that bad.

Frustrating, yes. But not irreparable.

“Do you want to hit me again?” he offers, finally teasing a laugh from my lips.

This idiot.

“Sounds exhausting.

I’ll settle for having you rub my back for the next few hours instead,” I make a counter-offer, steering us to my crappy bed.