Page 68

Keahi

Earlier

The sun is just setting and I’m sitting on the couch, watching some tv.

This would be so much more fun with Malia next to me, but we haven’t made plans for today and I don’t want to be clingy and just pick her up by surprise.

Skies, I really need to get her a phone.

My doorbell rings, dragging me from my thoughts, and I half-expect to see Malia when I open it.

Maybe we were thinking the same thing.

Maybe she missed me too. But it’s not her. Instead, I come face-to-face with my crying partner.

"Wystan.

What happened?" I ask, dumbfounded by their display of vulnerability.

My partner just pushes past me and sits down on the couch with a huff.

"This is your fault," they accuse once I’ve closed the door.

I sit down next to them, waiting to hear them go on.

"What is?" I finally ask when the silence drags on, only interrupted by their sniffling.

"This." They gesture toward themselves, still looking at the paused screen of my tv.

"You’re the reason I keep thinking about Dustin.

You and that stupid happy expression from earlier today."

"I don’t think I’m following," I admit, and they finally turn their head to look at me, glaring me down despite the tears in their eyes and the hopelessness beneath them.

"Seeing you that happy reminded me of what I used to have.

That blissed out expression.

Fuck, it’s exactly what I lost!" New tears are streaming down their face as they choke on their words.

This is certainly not what I expected this evening to look like.

"And now I’m sitting on your couch because I have no fucking friends.

No one.

I just couldn’t stay in that apartment anymore." They break off with a sob, and I helplessly pull them into a hug. I have no idea what I’m doing but I’m racking my brain for something useful. I don’t like watching my friend in this much misery. I find myself uncharacteristically empathetic.

"I’m sorry." What on earth am I supposed to say? "You have me," I add, even more surprised to feel myself meaning it.

We could both use a friend and we’re stuck together anyway.

We stay in that position for a bit until they speak against me.

"He loved our place.

We got it quickly after we left the academy with the money his parents left him when they died."

That’s how most of the students leaving the academy, including me, manage to get their first place.

We can’t have jobs at school so we either figure something out, by manipulating some people for example, which is illegal but not often investigated by our guards, or we move in at the guard’s wing.

"Now, everywhere I look, I see the ghost of him.

It has become impossible to sleep, I’ve tried every medicine there is.

I can’t move out either because it would feel like betraying him. He was such an important part of my life for as long as I can remember, and I don’t know what to do now. How could I possibly move on?" If only I knew.

I wish I had some great wisdom to tell them or cheer them up, but I don’t think one can move on after something like that.

It might get easier to cope with after some time, but the hole that loved one left behind will never fade.

"You will figure it out, and I will help you where I can."

"I don’t think I can do it," they mumble, and something in my stomach twists at the final note in it.

I pull away so I can look into their eyes, searching for a sign that I don’t gave to be worried.

"He loved you." My partner looks so damn pained right now, but they slightly nod their head.

"Would he want you to give up? No.

He would want you to fight until shit gets better, and even if you don’t believe in yourself, he would. He’s probably hovering above your shoulders right now, mocking you for talking to me. Seriously, he wasn’t a fan of mine." Wystan laughs a little over the tears. Thank the skies for that. I wasn’t sure I was saying the right thing.

"Don’t worry dude, we’ll get your fighter back on track in no time," I tell the air next to Wystan’s head, acting like a lunatic in my mission to revive some small spark in their eyes.

"He’ll probably haunt me if I don’t treat you well." That earns me another watery chuckle and their tears finally stop coming.

"Thank you."

"Of course." I smile a hopefully comforting smile before bumping their shoulder with my fist.

"Is this our first sleepover?" I tease them.

"To shit if I’ll spend the night at Keahi’s place.

This one won’t like that." They point to at the same spot over their shoulder I just talked to.

"I’ll help you pick a better movie though, since this one sucks."

"You wound me!" I exclaim.

"I guess you get to change it though, just this once." My choice of the night really was shit, but I won’t admit that to Wystan.

I’m trying to keep the mood as light as possible to keep their mind off their loss if only for a moment.

Me getting to watch a better movie is a simple plus.

I know them smiling right now doesn’t mean they’re fine, but if I can help lift the oppressive weight off their heart for a little, then that is a win.

Moments like that can mean so much in desperate times.

My partner puts on a movie I’ve never heard of before.

It turns out to be a pretty good comedy, to be honest, and Wystan looks a lot better by the time it ends.

"Are you sure you have to go? It would be no problem if you stayed here tonight," I say one last time when they put their coat on.

Autumn is getting more brutal by the day, and the sun has already set hours ago.

"I’m sure.

I’ll see you at training tomorrow."

"Until then." I mock-salute and close the door once they’re out.

That went surprisingly well.

I think I’m getting better at this whole comforting-people thing.

This evening combined with the training earlier has tired me out though, so I decide it’s time to sleep now.

I make one more plan to see Malia tomorrow before drifting off.

There might not be a current threat looming over us, but time is too precious to let it slip away.

I’m on my way to the facility to go see Malia before my training with Wystan when I realized I forgot something at home.

I turn around, cursing myself for wasting precious time, only to see something in my backyard I don’t remember putting there.

I frown at the suspicious heap, taking slow steps towards it.

Wait, not a heap.

A person.

I recognize the dark hair and break out into a sprint. Please, don’t be dead. Please, don’t be dead. Terror takes a firm grip of my lungs, squeezing tight. What if I jinxed it. What if having that talk with Wystan the night before was just the universe’s twisted way of foreshadowing.

I crouch down next to the girl in the grass, grasping her desperately when her eyes snap open.

"Malia, what on earth are you doing here?" My heart is pounding as I touch her freezing hand.

Seriously, what on earth? Everything is wet and cold.

I grab Malia’s shoulders to help her sit up all the while scanning her for injuries.

What if she came here looking for help but didn’t make it in time and collapsed before reaching the front door? How long has she been here? My mind is reeling.

"What happened?" I repeat.

I don’t see any blood or bruises, but her eyes are puffy.

Has she been crying? She’s also shivering, but that might as well be from the cold. It’s still early and the sun’s barely burning down.

"Let’s go inside." I pull her to her feet by her shoulders before leading her inside my living room, my hands rubbing her arms up and down.

It’s a pathetic try to heat her up since there’s too much wet fabric between her skin and my heated hands.

I take her coat off when we’re inside and continue my task of warming her up.

My hands are as hot as I dare to make them without burning her, but that won’t help much when Malia’s frozen to the bone.

"I’ll get you something to change into," I tell her.

We both head to my bedroom, where I immediately heat the fresh clothes with my powers before handing them over.

I barely bring myself to take my eyes off her as she changes, confusion and worry making me want to keep her in sight at all times to make sure she doesn’t collapse dead. But she hasn’t given me permission to see her naked – hasn’t spoken at all – so I turn around. Once she’s dressed, I steer her to the bed, covering her in blankets while my powers flow steadily to keep everything toasty around her.

"Are you okay?" I finally ask, getting a nod in return.

The silent answer does little to ease my worry.

"Can I get you something? Come here so I can warm you up. How long have you been out there?" The still-shivering girl sits on the bed beside me, and I take her hands in mine

"What time is it?" Malia sounds a little hoarse and chuckles at it.

I could find it more amusing.

"Six am."

"Then maybe ten hours?"

"What? Ten hours? Malia why the fuck would you just lie in my backyard for ten hours? Were you trying to freeze to death and have me find you?" Maybe raising my voice isn’t the best idea, but seriously, ten hours? I’m considering taking her to the academy’s nurses yet again to make sure she doesn’t die of hypothermia on my watch.

It only takes a second for me to realize that it would be rather silly since, hello, fire handler.

The heat turns up a notch without a thought as my worry spikes. The air in the room is now more than a little toasty and so are the blankets, but Malia is still shaking.

"I came to see you last night, but you were busy and then you went to sleep before I could ring the doorbell."

"I know for a fact I didn’t go to sleep at eight pm.

And even if I were asleep, I would have gladly gotten up to let you in!"

"I didn’t want to bother you."

"Don’t be ridiculous.

Waking up with you at my door wanting to go to bed with me? C’mon!" She laughs at that, but there’s still a heavy weight pressing down on me as I try to overcome the shock of seeing her limp outside.

"You’re an idiot, seriously," I say before softening my demeanor a little. "Why were you here in the first place?"

"Oh, it was nothing, really."

"It must have been something if you were willing to sleep in the cold for it," I insist.

"Just so you know, I hate this." She groans before going on, though she is starting to look a little better.

"I had my first day as a teacher and wanted to talk to you." She eyes my reaction warily and a slow smile spreads over my face.

She wanted to see me. She reached a milestone and wanted to share that with me. Something fuzzy envelops my body and I squeeze the girl’s shoulder.

"I would have loved to hear about it.

Why didn’t you come in?"

"You were busy, and I didn’t want to interrupt." Oh, right, I kind of forgot what I did yesterday evening.

So, Malia stayed outside in the cold for hours while I was watching a movie with her ex-best friend.

The fuzzy feeling dissipates.

"You should have still rung the doorbell.

You could have at least waited in my room." Even though I hadn’t known she was out there, I feel like shit.

"Nah, didn’t want to intrude.

It wasn’t too bad."

"Why have you been crying then? Did the training not go well?" Please don’t let it have been because of me. Again.

"The training was surprisingly fun actually.

I wasn’t crying."

"C’mon, Princess, aren’t we past the whole lying-to-each-other thing?"

"Ugh, if you need to know, I guess I was a little disappointed.

It’s stupid and I didn’t cry." She’s acting all tough and annoyed, but I know that’s just the only way she can open up.

"I’m so sorry you were an idiot and spent the whole night in the cold.

Now, tell me about yesterday." I pull her closer to me so I can hold her properly.

"It’s fine, I don’t really know what I wanted to say anyway.

We can just stay like this."

I would actually love to hear about her first time teaching the guards, but if this is what she needs, then so be it.

She eventually stops shaking, but I don’t let go.

If anything, the girl in my arms nuzzles herself closer to me.

"Weren’t you leaving before you woke me? I don’t mean to keep you," she says.

"I went early to see you before my training."

"Training?" I totally forgot I haven’t told Malia I have a partner now.

It had slipped my mind whenever I saw her.

"Yeah, guess who has a partner to learn to fight with." At that, Malia, pulls away and twists her head to look at me.

"You have a partner? Who? Since when? Why?"

"Flint has partnered me with someone after he arrested you, and I wasn’t really in a position to fight him on it.

And as to who, that would be Wystan." I don’t know what reaction to expect, but if I had had something in mind, it wouldn’t have been what I get.

Malia nods, averting her eyes as they fill with fresh tears.

"What’s wrong?" I only get a shake of her head as an answer before Malia turns her head around so her back’s to me and I can’t see her face anymore.

"Hey, c’mon Princess, you don’t need to hide." I don’t make her turn around uncomfortably but walk around the bed to be in front of her.

She’s looking at the ground, but I can’t have that.

I cup her face gently and kneel in front of her, so our eyes are at the same height.

Malia tilts her head back slightly and looks at my ceiling while taking a deep breath.

"Nothing, I’m fine." I give her a disapproving look, but she doesn’t go on.

"Malia, you are obviously not fine.

Talk to me, please." She turns her head to the side so she doesn’t have to look at me anymore, and I can hear her swallow deeply as much as I can see it.

"A truth for a truth?" I don’t give her time to answer but go on.

"My biggest fear is to lose you again.

Not to sound pathetic, but between what Wystan is going through with Dustin and all the times the two of us didn’t work out, it’s always in the back of my mind. Even when we’re together I’m scared something will change, come between us, and rip us apart.

"Also, on a little happier note, I would have loved it if you had rung my doorbell last night.

I was actually thinking about how I wanted you to be next to me right when it rang, but it was Wystan, not you.

"One more thing because I’m feeling extra generous.

I think I might like having a partner.

Don’t tell anyone I said that though." I wait patiently for her to speak after I’ve finished, still kneeling in front of my bed.

"They hate me," she finally breathes out.

It’s a broken sound, and I hate it.

I hate it so much. "And I deserve it," she adds even more quietly.

I’m about to tell her she’s wrong, no matter how much she always insists she never is, when she shakes her head again.

"Don’t even tell me it’s not true.

I don’t want to hear that, and I don’t want to talk about it." I guess her tone was supposed to be hard and dismissive. Sure, because I would let her believe something so painful and just be quiet. I can’t help it, I’m stubborn.

"No," I state, making her look at me with furrowed eyebrows.

"No?" she repeats, frowning.

"No to what you just said and no to everything you’re thinking.

Also, no to this conversation being over because there is no way I’ll just let this go knowing it’s hurting you.

Tell me what makes you think you deserve their hatred."

"Keahi, please," she begs silently.

I’m not even sure what she’s asking me to do, but I’m afraid I can’t do it.

If she’s begging me not to force her to talk, then she’ll have to forgive me. She is hurting but she doesn’t need to deal with it alone.

"This is to help you," I tell her gently.

"I don’t want you to see me like this and I don’t want to talk about it.

Please, don’t make me talk about it." She’s barely whispering but I strain my ears to hear her, my heart tight with the knowledge that whatever is making her break like this probably has been festering inside her for a long time and I had no idea.

"I’m sorry, Malia." I can’t force her, but I get the feeling she already knows what she has to do.

She does stay silent for a few more beats before speaking just as quietly.

"I don’t want you to cheer me up.

If I tell you, you won’t try to convince me I’m wrong or make me feel better."

"Why?"

"I don’t want to feel better.

Not about this."

"You don’t have to-" She cuts me off, her voice becoming more insistent.

"I deserve it.

I am the reason Dustin is dead and Wystan has every right to hate me." I hear her unsaid words loud and clear.

"I do too."

"I didn’t mean for it to happen.

I didn’t even know I would see him, or anyone I used to known at the academy." Finally, she’s opening up.

Her voice takes on a distant note as she seems to get lost in a memory.

"It was my first mission.

Everything was chaotic until I heard him say my name.

I heard him before I saw him, and time seemed to stop. I thought he had abandoned me, but he seemed so happy to see me. That was only for a moment though since he was dead the next. I was confused at first but when my brain finally registered what was happening, I just screamed. Screamed and fell to my knees, hurting the man that had murdered Dustin along with it. I was tortured for two days for messing up the mission." Malia breaks off and shakes her head.

"Anyway, if Dustin hadn’t seen me or if I had moved quicker, he would still be alive, and my only friend wouldn’t hate me." A dry, heaving sob wreaks her chest.

"Malia, what happened was not your fault.

Wystan just lost someone they loved, and it’s easier for them to blame it on you than to accept that no one could have saved him.

Things won’t always be like this, though, and one day, they’ll see it wasn’t your fault."

"I loved him." Malia’s body starts trembling again, and she wraps her arms tightly around herself.

I know she did, just as I know there’s nothing I can do to make her feel better.

I wish there was. I wish I could hold her so she didn’t have to do it herself, but I’m scared if I move now, she will stop talking. Once she stops talking, I doubt she’ll start again. So, I tightly reign in my desperate need to comfort her and let her go on.