Page 69

Malia

I hate falling apart like this.

I can usually keep my shit together by not thinking about anything, but with Keahi forcing me to talk, there is no way I can keep my walls up and keep hiding behind them.

I feel so selfish.

Selfish because I’m talking and making excuses about this and selfish because I want to keep talking.

I want to tell Keahi how losing my childhood friend killed me, and how I couldn’t and didn’t deal with it. I’d even go so far as tell him what my parents would have done had I dealt openly with it, but how could I possibly make this about myself? I can’t.

"I loved him, and I didn’t even cry." I guess now, I am, although I’m still trying to hold the tears at bay.

I know it makes no sense, but I feel like I’d scare Keahi away if I didn’t.

Even after everything we’ve been through, I have never shown him the truly broken, messed-up pieces of me. I don’t plan on it, either.

I can’t even admit what is wrong with me to myself, so how could I expect Keahi to accept it? Accept me.

This part of me should stay locked away until the end of time.

No matter how much I might want to do let it out.

"How come?" Keahi asks, and although his voice is soft, I feel like he already thinks I’m cruel.

I shrug.

"Just didn’t." I need this conversation to end before I mess everything up more gravely, but before I can attempt to change the subject, my opposite speaks again.

"Please, don’t shut me out."

"Why do you want me to talk about this so badly?" I demand, anything not to ponder his question.

"Because you’re hurting, and I want to understand.

I want to help you and be here for you, but I can’t if I don’t know what is going on in your head."

"Why?" I sound dumb again, but I just don’t understand.

No one has ever inconvenienced themselves to take care of me like this, so why would he?

"What do you mean why? I don’t want you to be sad, Malia."

"But it isn’t relevant.

If you stop pushing me, we can go back to how things were.

You don’t have to do this."

"What is it with you and always expecting people to do good things out of an ulterior motive? I don’t want to go back to you pretending you’re fine and us simply not talking about deep or painful things.

I want us to support each other.

I want this to be real. We’ve been through too much to be superficial now, don’t you think?"

"I guess," I admit.

"Then why won’t you talk to me?" I sigh, resigned, and get all the way onto the bed.

We might be here for a while.

"I’ll sound stupid," I warn him.

"Don’t worry about sounding stupid.

I speak it fluently." I merely nod since I can’t muster a smile at his attempt at lightening the mood.

I guess we’re doing this.

"I don’t think you’ll still want me."

"That is ridiculous Malia.

I will always want you."

"You don’t understand.

There’s so much wrong with me that not even I can accept.

I couldn’t ask it of you."

"I’ll say this again since you’ve never had a person care about you enough to do it.

I am not going anywhere and nothing you could say will change that.

You’re stuck with me, for better or worse."

"I wouldn’t even know where to start.

Everything is so tangled up and I’d just confuse you."

"We’ll manage to untangle it.

Even if it takes a while, we’ll get there eventually." I’m kind of running out of excuses here.

I actually find myself nodding, agreeing.

"Why didn’t you cry? Not that it’s wrong.

People deal with loss differently."

"I couldn’t.

Because of my parents," I elaborate, and Keahi nods.

He seems to think about his next question like he isn’t sure he’s ready to go there either.

Slowly, he goes for it, "What would they have done?"

"They would have told me I was weak.

Then they would have punished me until I stopped crying and long after that.

They would’ve trusted me even less again and seen me as a traitor. I can’t tell you exactly, but it wouldn’t have been good." A single, quick glance at the man at my side is enough to let me know he’s not a big fan of what I’m saying. Then again, it has been established that he is no fan of my parents.

"You’re not with them anymore, Love.

Crying isn’t a bad thing, and you’ll never have to suffer for it.

Ever. Not on my watch," he reassures. The longer I look into his eyes, the stronger the urge to cry gets until I finally break our staring contest to look up, my eyes burning and the ceiling blurring in and out of focus as I blink rapidly.

After a few deep breaths and no progress with the getting-my-tears-back-where-they-came-from task, I feel Keahi’s soothing hands on each side of my face.

He makes me look at him, although I can barely make out his features now.

"It’s okay to cry.

You don’t have to waste so much energy on keeping your tears back," he says.

I look anywhere but where his face should be until I blink the next time, dropping the first fat teardrop.

"What you went through is more than the rest of us can ever understand.

More than anyone should ever go through.

But even after everything, you still manage to stay on your feet and go on, which is incredibly admirable. You’ve proven that you are no one’s victim, you’re a survivor. A fighter,” he emphasizes. “You’re strong, but even the strongest person needs a break from time to time. You’ve never gotten your breaks, so it is understandable that things are a mess now. That doesn’t mean it has to stay like that. I know it won’t.

"This is your break, and it’ll fucking last.

You’re done with pain for this lifetime.

From now on, it gets better. It’ll be so much sunshine and rainbows you’ll get sick of it because that is what you deserve and should have gotten all along." I laugh weakly all the while tears are still streaming down my cheeks. Keahi keeps wiping them off with his thumbs, no matter how useless that proves to be.

"If this guard thing doesn’t work out, you should be a personal coach or therapist or something," I tell him.

He smiles solemnly.

"What happened to Dustin was not your fault.

I know you don’t believe me yet, but one day, you’ll hopefully see it too." I just nod in response since he’s right.

I don’t believe him yet.

"Now, how about we get breakfast together?" he finally proposes.

"I’d love to." My voice is hoarse, and I must look like shit, but Keahi kind of promised I’m stuck with him, so he’s stuck with me as well.

I take a warm shower to finally stop feeling cold and put on Keahi’s clothes.

I could clean and dry my own, but why would I do that when his smell so perfectly like him?

"Have I told you how hot you look in my clothes? Seriously, I would kill for this sight."

"Aw, stop, you’re making me blush," I mock him.

"I’m sure you’d look even better in mine."

"We’ll get back to that, I’m sure.

First, we need to pick a place to eat.

I’m not meeting Wystan for a few hours, so how about we go deeper into the city?"

"Sure, my lesson starts in the afternoon."