Page 23

Keahi

You idiot! Now you scared her off! My mind is reeling, every cell in my body longing to reach for Malia again and pull her close.

Fuck, our lips barely got the chance to brush together, but the simple whisper of a touch was enough to light my whole body on fire.

Skies, I want to kiss Malia.

I thought she wanted it too.

Thought wrong. She takes a few steps away from me, and I suddenly feel more unsure than I can ever remember feeling.

"I’m sorry.

You don’t have to..." Why would she apologize?

"I don’t have to what?" I ask softly, keeping myself from clearing my dry throat with an effort.

"You’ve done enough for me.

You don’t have to," she repeats.

You’ve done enough. It is my fault that kid is dead, and she is angry at me. I can’t blame her. Whenever I think about the news, my heart drops like a cold stone, and I never even saw the kid.

But she said I’ve done enough for her.

So, she thinks-

Realization dawns on me and I put my hand under her chin, tilting her face upwards so she has to meet my eyes.

What a sight to behold.

"I know I don’t have to kiss you, Malia, but I’d like to.

If you’re with me on that," I try to sound patient and more confident than I am, mustering up every bit of the acting skills I had used on my teachers to get out of trouble as a kid.

It looks like Malia’s mind is working fast as the seconds trickle by.

I’m about to wonder whether I’ve misunderstood her and am about to get rejected again when her eyes quickly drop to my lips.

She licks her lips and excitement paralyzes me, forcing me to stay perfectly still as I wait for her next action.

Then, with an urgency that surprises me, she pulls me down by the neck and our lips connect.

My eyes close, sensations rushing over me that make everything around me disappear.

Everything but Malia.

My hands move on their own accord, my greedy fingers finding her waist and grasping it tightly.

I pull her closer, molding our bodies together, and Malia sighs into my mouth.

It’s that small reaction that drives me right to the brink of losing my mind.

I’m turning myself in with the kiss and become painfully aware of how perfect this girl feels in my arms.

I don’t even have it in me to freak out or analyze it.

All I can do is soak up every glorious second.

Her fingers in my hair, tugging softly.

Her compliant body melting against me as I slip my tongue into her mouth.

The soft whine she releases when I nib at her bottom lip.

At some point, she pulls away to get some air and despite the darkness cloaking the room, I can see the red spots blooming on her cheeks.

She looks down shyly and I am glad for it.

I’m smiling like an idiot, so it’s best this way.

"I, uhm, we have school tomorrow," she stutters, clearly unable to stand the silence between us any longer.

"So smooth," I tease before pulling her into my arms.

I hold her close with one hand on the small of her back and the other on the back of her head so it’s cradled to my chest.

There’s something extremely right with having her so close.

When I realize she is shaking slightly, my bliss evaporates and fear that she’s crying in my arms again arises.

Until I realize she is laughing, that is.

"I don’t know what that was.

You made me nervous!" she accuses me with a soft slap on my upper arm.

"No need to get physical, Princess.

But yeah, I’ve been told I have that effect on the opposite gender."

She pulls away to glare at me, but her deep blue eyes make her look too innocent for it to pack any punch.

She’s just too gentle and inherently good to pull it off.

The urge to preserve that pureness and protect her from the world’s ugliness washes over me like warm honey. Skies, I’m down bad.

If Malia notices the demented track my mind is wandering down, she doesn’t say.

"We really do have school tomorrow.

I could return the favor and be your pillow this time," she proposes instead.

"I don’t need you to be my pillow.

I slept just fine last time." I slept more than fine the last time, but I won’t tell her that.

She’ll think I’m as obsessed as I am.

"You’re a fool if you turn down this offer.

I’ve been told I make a fantastic pillow." She starts walking toward our corner and I tail behind her.

"So, you’ve done this with someone else?" I pretend to be wounded, making her laugh softly.

I decide that sound is the only thing worth making a fool out of myself for.

I don’t know how it works, but with her, the weight that usually sits on my chest like a heavy parasite is gone.

Poof, just like that.

No more pressure and unsurety about my lonely future. I hate how that makes me vulnerable but at the same time, I wouldn’t have it any other way. It’s exciting and dangerous in a way fighting will never be.

"Shut up and get over here." She’s already sitting on my blanket, looking at me expectantly.

I sigh and get down next to her.

I lie on my back with my head on her legs and look up at her.

"There is no way you can sleep like this," I insist, wondering how long it will take until her legs fall asleep beneath my thick head.

"I don’t plan to."

"What do you mean you don’t plan to? You have to sleep, Malia."

"First off, you still can’t tell me what to do.

Second, I got over fifteen hours of sleep yesterday." I look at her disapprovingly before sitting up.

"Then I’ll stay awake with you." She shakes her head and pushes my shoulders down.

"Sleep before I make you," she threatens, and I get the feeling she’s not fully joking.

I consider trying to call her bluff but remember the headache that followed the last two times she knocked me out and decide it’s not worth it.

Shaking my head to myself, I turn to my side.

The thought of leaving her awake alone sits very wrong with me, but she doesn’t really leave much room for discussion and the last thing I want is to fight with her.

Still, she’s insisted several times that she doesn’t want to be alone with her thoughts tonight and that’ll happen if I go to sleep.

Would she change her mind if I kissed her again? Not only would I hope it would take her mind off things and give her a break from reality, but I’d get to feel her soft puffs of breath against my skin again.

And she’d hopefully enjoy it just as much.

A low tingle of lust creeps up my spine, and I realize this is probably my southern region talking and not the nagging voice that usually urges me to take care of Malia.

Not that I’ve done a good job of ever listening to that.

I also remember the note of distress in her voice when Aiden tried to force himself on her, and my lust dies a quick death. I don’t ever want to overwhelm her by being greedy and impatient, so maybe I should just relax and wait until she gives me an indication that she wants to be kissed again.

Just because she seemed to like it once doesn’t mean she’ll want more.

The thought is worrying.

I wouldn’t know what to do if Malia told me she never wants to kiss me again.

Or even hang out with me.

What if tonight is just another slip up and short reprieve from reality, but we’ll go back to being nemesis tomorrow when she doesn’t need a distraction? I don’t want that. I don’t want to continue our petty rivalry when she has been brightening my days for a lot longer than she hasn’t. Even when I expressed it as teasing and hid it behind words wrapped in malice.

Not after I realized that even here at the academy, nothing is guaranteed and there’s no time to waste once you realize what you want.

Do I want Malia? I do, but in what way? What would I even be capable of? She’s too sweet for anything casual and the insistent urge to protect her and make her smile tells me that’s not what I want either.

Not with her. But what else is there? A relationship? Skies, no, I’ve never once in my life considered myself as the type of person that would get into a serious relationship. The notion of trying scares me.

The prospect of trying and failing petrifies me.

What am I even thinking about? The girl kissed me once.

Who’s to say she’d ever consider me as good enough to date.

I remember the way she talked to her friend about me; how she ridiculed the idea of being up to anything with me.

But it’s not fair to blame her.

Not when I was still in denial about my attraction to her mere days ago and ranted about her with Blaze after seeing her with Aiden.

It’s crazy how much being faced with the prospect of losing her forever put things into perspective. Maybe it was the same for her?

The difference is that she has always been lovable and I was just the only idiot at school who never admitted to knowing it.

I, on the other hand, am an insufferable, moody, cold-hearted idiot.

I’ve got nothing to offer her.

Her sweet voice pulls me out of my downward spiral.

"At least this time, you won’t be able to sneak out on me," she says lightly as her fingers find their way into my thick hair.

Immediately, my tension headache eases and the type of exhaustion that can only come from years of lack of sleep creeps up on me.

"Sorry for that, Princess.

I won’t leave you again." I don’t have much time to feel guilty about leaving her in her sleep the last time since her scent and the rhythm of her breathing are way too calming.

Not to mention the way her fingers absently play with my hair. I could easily fall asleep, but I fight it. Who knows when I’ll get another chance to be this relaxed.

Many minutes pass before my human pillow speaks up.

"Keahi?” The word is nearly lost in the miniscule distance between us.

And we are in an empty library at night!

"Mh?" I respond, half asleep.

"Are you awake?" Her voice seems strained and although I blamed it on the whispering before, I’m not so sure anymore.

My awareness rises.

"Yes." I wait for her to go on, but our breathing is the only sound for a while.

Hers, which seems to gradually turn more shallow and uneven.

So much so that I finally sit up to look at her.

"Malia, what’s wrong?" I ask, trying to make out her expression in the dark.

"I don’t feel too good," she says.

There’s not enough light to be sure but I think she might be crying.

An uncomfortable knot tightens in my chest at the thought.

"What’s wrong?" I try to move closer, but she backs away.

I try not to read too much into her rejection, but one fearful thought remains.

Did I hurt her? "Is it your wound?" Malia shakes her head before releasing a shuddering breath.

"It’s getting hard to breath.

It’s stupid, nothing’s wrong, I don’t know what this is." She’s barely getting the words out, and it’s so damn hard not to scoot toward her.

"Oh Princess, I think you’re having a panic attack.

Try to breathe with me." Is that what she’s supposed to do? I don’t know how to calm people.

Especially when I can’t touch them. Malia runs a shaking hand through her hair, and I start to count for her to breathe with me.

I’m clearly doing something wrong since she’s hardly calming down.

The same helplessness from when she was injured in my arms resurfaces, intensifying with every scoot she moves away from me when I advance.

"You should leave," she wheezes.

"I definitely won’t leave you like this.

Tell me what I can do to help.

What do you need?" She shakes her head and slowly gets to her feet while heavily leaning against the bookshelf.

"Malia, where are you going?" I stay as close as she will let me as she takes wobbly steps down the aisle.

"I’m fine.

I just need to go outside." Outside? Is she kidding me?

"You can’t get to the janitor’s closet like this.

The patrol will notice you.

Just sit and calm down." She’s not listening, so I grab her by the arms and pull her to the ground as gently as possible. Soothing didn’t work, so maybe a more forceful attempt will. I will feel like the biggest jerk if it doesn’t.

I don’t ask this time; I pack my voice with as much authority as I can muster and order her around.

I tell her to focus and breathe with me until her hands stop shaking and her breathing gets deeper.

"Thanks," she finally laughs out embarrassedly, and I reluctantly let go of her now that it doesn’t seem as though she’ll run away.

"Has anything like that ever happened to you before? She hesitates a moment before nodding slowly.

"I had a big one the morning after my arrival but have only had small ones since then.

Not often, just when I’m alone sometimes.

Anyway, I’m sorry for that. I promise I’ll let you sleep now."

"Do you want to talk about it?" The next book I’ll read will definitely be about social skills.

"Maybe some other time.

You should sleep now," she insists, and I take the hint, lying back down on her thighs and staring up at her.

"Are you sure you’re fine? I wouldn’t mind staying up for a bit."

"No offense, but I think I’ve offered you plenty of leverage for one night." That comment might’ve stung if she hadn’t said it as a joke.

I smile up at her, even though she probably can’t see.

"Well then, Princess, good night." I’m not going to push for answers when it’s clear she doesn’t want to give them.

Instead, I get comfortable and pass out almost immediately.