Page 43

Malia

My mouth is terribly dry as I come back to consciousness, and the insistent urge to cough is right there in the back of my throat.

I need water.

I slowly crack open an eye and take in my new surroundings. Keahi’s room.

"Look who’s finally waking up from her beauty sleep," Keahi teases me, but I hear sincere relief in his voice.

I look to my right, where he is sitting.

"I thought you were going to kill me there, for a second," I chuckle slightly, glad to have been proven wrong.

It dawns on me how irresponsible it was to place my trust and life in the hands of Keahi, my sworn enemy.

It’s not necessarily my death I fear, but there are many things he could have done to me while I was unconscious.

Things that didn’t even occur to my usually rational brain, which makes no sense because I’ve gotten used to being on extra high alert in the last few years.

"Though that sounds very tempting, I’d rather not have your ghost haunt me for the rest of my life."

"You believe in ghosts?" I prod, finding something about that idea funny.

Keahi believing in ghosts.

He always used to be so cynical.

"You don’t?" I give his question some thought.

I hope not.

I wouldn’t want to be trapped as myself even after I die, that’s for sure.

"How do you like your new trick?" I change the subject, taking a sip of my water.

"I guess it could be useful against the enemy, but I’ll pass up on practicing with you again."

I feel a soft frown pull at the corners of my lips.

"I am the enemy," I remind him, straightening up to a sitting position and feeling my head swim with dizziness just a little.

It’s kind of funny. I don’t remember the last time I felt so loopy without fearing for my life.

"Not the one I want to kill.

For now, at least," he adds jokingly, and I shove him.

He returns the gesture, bumping his shoulder against mine, and soon enough, we’re both laughing. I’m so lost in the moment, I manage to forget where I am- who I am- and act like a normal teenager, soaking up the fuzzy feeling in my chest.

It’s nothing.

I’ll just enjoy it this one time.

As our laughter dies down and silence engulfs us, a question that’s been tormenting my mind for years resurfaces.

I never dared to voice it, too scared to reveal that I care and make myself vulnerable, but in this moment, with his eyes locked onto mine in a peaceful, familiar way, I can’t help but want to go there.

Even if I’ll hate myself for it after I’ve stopped feeling upside-down.

As if sensing that I’m working up the courage to say something, Keahi stays quiet.

I clear my throat, but my voice still comes out as a mere whisper when I speak.

“What did you mean to discuss in that janitor’s closet? If I hadn’t been taken?”

For a quick second, my opposite’s brows shoot up on his forehead in apparent surprise.

Then, his features soften and something akin to guilt reveals itself in his impossibly dark eyes.

He shakes his head to himself as he starts to talk. “Wow, I hadn’t thought back to that day in a while. I mean, the part where you were taken has come back to haunt me in my dreams for years, and I thought about our night in the library often, but I somehow forgot about what happened in between.” He blows out a breath. “I was such an idiot back then. I never should have said that to Eteri to make her leave. You know that’s why I said it, right? I didn’t mean it.”

“Yeah, I figured,” I say, leaving out the part where over a year in that torture chamber made me believe otherwise.

“And I can’t say what we would have talked about back then.

I remember feeling incredibly unsure because I had this very firm idea of who I was supposed to be and the way you made me feel went against the very foundation of it.

But I liked you a lot and I liked who I was around you even more. You made everything feel a little less serious and oppressive at the academy,” he trails off, and I’m glad for it. My chest feels strained yet fuzzy, like it’s as conflicted about this as my head. Like it mourns the loss of what could have been but enjoys hearing Keahi say he liked me.

I shouldn’t have asked that question.

It doesn’t matter anyway.

When I don’t say anything, drawing a blank, Keahi keeps speaking.

“I’m sorry we never got to find out.

I’m sorry that you chose me that day over yourself and how much it cost you. It’s inexcusable but I’ll do my best to make up for it for as long as you let me. I can promise you that.”

I can see it in his eyes that he means every word, and despite the gaping hole in my chest that remains at the thought of having been abandoned, I can no longer blame him for not coming if he didn’t know.

Or even for needing help in a battle none of us minors should have been involved in.

“I believe you,” I admit, fighting to get the words out.

Then, needing a break from the tension, I down the rest of my water in a big gulp.

"I’ll get you a refill," Keahi says once I’ve set it down on his nightstand, reaching over me to grab the glass.

What an idiot.

I chuckle, quickly able to refill it with my powers before he even reaches it.

He seems to notice his mistake and turns his head, which is now awfully close to mine, smiling.

My own cheeks are burning already with the silly grin on my face.

Maybe it’s the relief of getting that question off my chest, or maybe I’m still feeling the aftermath of passing out, but as Keahi doesn’t turn away, neither do I.

Like the times before, he seems to search my features for an indication of what I want as the moment drags on.

The air grows thick around us, our smiles simultaneously drooping.

Before I know what’s happening, I feel myself leaning in.

Just like that, his lips meet mine and I’m startled by the wide range of emotions rushing over me.

Mostly good emotions.

Emotions I haven’t felt in years. It scares me, but Keahi’s scent and the sensation of his skin against mine distract me.

I don’t have it in me to think anymore and give into the kiss, my lips going compliant and soft against his tender ones.

As soon as I turn to putty in his hands, I hear Keahi release a soft groan in the back of his throat.

Like he’s been starving for this forever.

Just as quickly as my pleasant emotions come over me, they’re replaced by dread when Keahi carefully places his warm hands on my arms.

A warning shoots straight to my head.

That’s what happens when you choose the fire.

The words are accompanied by a flash of pictures.

The pain I felt when I thought Keahi and my friends had all abandoned me and every bit of anguish I hadn’t let myself feel over the past four years overwhelm me at once.

I pull back and push Keahi away hard enough for him to fall onto his back at the foot of the bed.

He looks alarmed as I slide off the mattress and hurry out of the room, but I can’t bring myself to offer an explanation.

"Malia!" I hear him run after me when I reach the front door.

My hands are shaking violently, my lungs protest against every breath I try to draw into them, and tears sting in my eyes.

I fear I won’t win this fight against my body, feeling too close to breaking down. I will not let him see me cry.

"I’m going for a walk.

Leave me alone!" I croak, feeling like a lunatic.

With no regard for my words, his hand wraps around my wrist, trying to calm me and ready to spin me around. But I don’t want him to see me right now. Not when I could never make him understand what’s happening inside my head.

Before he can make me face him, I painlessly let him pass out.

I turn after I hear the thud of his body hitting the ground and my heart breaks a little.

All because of him, I try to remind myself. I hate him! But I know that is not true. And I hate myself for that.

He’s my childhood, a reminder of the best time of my life.

A life filled with petty rivalries, gossiping with friends, and a ton of laughter.

I was happy, and Keahi now has the horrible ability to make me remember that.

I slip out of his house and head toward the city.

I can’t go into the forest to clear my mind, but I can’t stay in that house.

How could I after what just happened? I can never go back there.

I stop running once I reach a shabby-looking motel.

I don’t have any money but go in, nonetheless.

Seeing as there is no one at the reception, I sneak up the stairs. It’s way too easy to break into one of the rooms, but I’m grateful for it when I can finally collapse onto the crappy bed.

I am now where the Dark Fraction will come to look for me first.

I am aware of that but still stay.

No physical pain could come close to what I’m afraid would happen if I go back to Keahi. If that makes me a coward, then so be it. For now, I need some space to distance myself from what just occurred and remember who I am.

I’m part of no side, I have no family and no friends.

I am completely alone.

But that is what can make me strong right now. I have nothing to lose and everything to gain, and I’m not trying to change that.

I don’t close my eyes all night.

There is an odd silence in this motel, and I keep imagining sounds.

Every time my eyelids start drooping, I imagine the shadows catching up to me and dragging me back to camp. Even worse, as the hours drag on and I lose myself in the horrors of my past and my possible future, I find myself longing for Keahi. It only confirms that leaving was the right decision.

I can’t get attached again… I can’t make him a target.

It is selfish since the kids still need me, but I guess I’m selfish then.

I’ve tried my best to help, but this feels too big for me to take on. I don’t want to carry this burden and put my heart on the line along the way.

I sit in the dark motel room for hours until pounding on the door snaps me out of my thoughts.

My blood freezes and my heart starts racing.

"Malia!" Kaz "It’s about Keahi, Malia! Open up!" he yells.

My heart drops at his words and I quickly open the door.

"Is he with you?" my former trainer demands, his frantic eyes looking past me to search my room.

I shake my head and he runs his hands along his face, clearly aggravated.

"What happened?" My voice is softer than it has been for years. Worried.

"He came to visit me last night and rambled about you having run away.

It was late so I told him you probably just changed your mind and returned to your camp.

When I went back to check up on him this morning, he wasn’t home. I couldn’t find him anywhere, so I came looking for you."

A pit opens in my stomach.

If Keahi went to the camp of the Shadow Handlers to look for me- Oh no.