Page 38

Malia

"Why didn’t you come back?" Keahi probes, his eyes curious.

I huff at him.

"Back to what exactly? The school that took my memories and lied to me? My friends who abandoned me? You?" I laugh at him, the sound almost as cold as my insides have gone.

I can’t believe we’re talking about this.

Can’t believe of all the places I could’ve ended up at, I came here. Just my luck.

"We didn’t know," he says softly.

"Your friends, I mean.

Adira told everyone you were dead. They didn’t abandon you." An image of Dustin’s shocked expression when he saw me flies through my mind. The expression right before he died. My heart gives a defeated lurch, so I push the memory aside and straighten up. When I meet Keahi’s eyes, something else dawns on me.

"They?" He doesn’t answer, and I narrow my eyes.

"You knew," I mutter more to myself than him.

Something stricken spreads over Keahi’s features, and he averts his eyes to the ground. "You knew I was alive all these years." I laugh again if only to mask whatever is simmering beneath my skin. So, I’ve spent all this time waiting for the only person that abandoned me by choice.

"No, not all these years.

I thought you were dead too.

I just- Apparently, I was told about your background after you were taken, but they wiped my memory of it when I tried to sneak out through the vent. Kaz knew about it all along, and he was waiting for me one night and they wiped my memory. I swear, I only found out about this when you were seen on a mission."

“Would you have come otherwise?” I challenge, finding it hard to believe that he didn’t have a choice in this.

No, he abandoned me.

It was his fault I was taken and he never saved me. I hold on to that, needing the anger to fuel me because the alternative is unimaginable. What would I do if he wasn’t to blame? I hate Arcane. I hate him. I’m part of neither side and I won’t change that. I can’t. It’s what has fueled me for years. My hate is the only thing that’s been keeping me going.

“I told you, I was trying to get to you.

They wouldn’t let me out.

The school was on lockdown.”

“I’m not talking about when you were a student.

If you’d joined the guard and your orders would have stayed the same; to leave me.

Would you have disobeyed? Months would have passed already. You’re telling me you wouldn’t have been over it? Wouldn’t have expected the worst after finding out I was born into the Dark Fraction? Would you have risked it all despite everyone’s insistence that I was bad all along?”

He shakes his head softly.

“Over it? No, I wouldn’t have been fucking over it.

I never got over it. I don’t remember what it was like hearing you were one of them back then and I don’t know what they told me, but I tried to come either way. Despite Kaz’ insistence I should stay. I have to believe I would’ve done the same a few months later. No matter what they would have told me, I knew you. I never would have believed you were one of them.”

I narrow my eyes at him.

This is too easy.

“So, what were your first thoughts when you heard I was seen with them?”

He rises to the challenge, laughing humorlessly.

“I was relieved.

I thought you were dead, for Heaven’s sake. I thought you lost your life at fifteen because of me, so I was really fucking relieved that you were still alive.”

Too easy.

It can’t be this easy.

“But you didn’t come then, did you?”

“That’s not fair.

You were fighting alongside them, looking just like them, and came and left willingly with their crew.

How was I supposed to know you needed me to come? Hell, I still don’t know if that’s even the case because you haven’t actually told me what happened tonight. For all I know, you were strolling around like the time you saw me in the woods but this time when you stumbled over a guard, he bested you.”

That’s better.

He thinks I’m a monster.

He doesn’t trust me. “Right, because I hunt Arcane’s guards for sports and sacrifice children to stay young forever. You said you knew me so well, that you never would have believed I would switch sides, yet that’s exactly what you did, so spare me this beaten-puppy act.”

“You attacked me the first time I saw you!” he protests.

“And you tried to talk to me? You complimented my hair!”

“What else was I supposed to do? All signs pointed toward you being one of them, and trust me, I didn’t want to believe it either, but here we are.” He runs a hand through his hair.

“What are we even talking about right now? Speaking of hypotheticals and things that happened four years ago.

I don’t owe you any sort of explanation before you tell me what is really going on here, because you fight alongside them yet you keep me alive, but you tell me it’s just to kill me later and then turn up on my doorstep, covered in hundreds of scars and with a bleeding wound in your stomach, talking about having no place to go. So what is it, Malia? Are you one of them or is something going on that I can’t see?”

At his words, a hand shoots up to my stomach.

He saw my scars.

I haven’t even thought about that. Or the fact that he cut open my shirt. It’s hanging open up to a few inches above my navel, and as my hand makes contact with my smooth skin, I can immediately tell that something is off. Smooth skin. I don’t have smooth skin. Nowhere below my neckline do I have smooth skin anymore.

My head snaps forward to look at myself, and my eyes widen at what I see.

Smooth skin.

All smooth, white skin. I pull the flaps of my cut shirt aside, looking for any trace of the horrors I’ve been through in the last four years, but I find nothing. Like none of it ever happened. Like I’ve lost my mind.

“What have you done?” I ask, still staring at my stomach.

Panic claws at my throat, making it hard to breathe.

“I healed your wounds,” Keahi replies hesitantly.

My wide eyes snap up to his.

“No.

You took them away.

They’re all gone,” I mumble, aware I must sound crazy but unable to stop the blabbering. Keahi takes a small step toward me, reaching out as if to comfort, but I shy away from his touch. He didn’t abandon me. I don’t even have the scars to prove it. This doesn’t feel real. Maybe I died and this is my the afterlife’s way of making things up to me. Placating me with sweet stories about the boy that broke my heart.

“Malia, you’re spiraling.

I’m sorry I healed your scars, okay? I thought the same thing that kept you from healing tonight’s wound had kept you from healing them.

I didn’t think you wanted them. I mean, they were-” he trails off as if unable to find the right way to describe the mess my father’ s torture had left behind.

Hideous.

Oppressive.

My reminders.

I run my fingers over my hips and sigh in relief when I find the familiar bumps of the scars there.

I didn’t imagine it.

They’re still there. He took hundreds of them, but I have more.

“That seems on brand.

You didn’t think.

Now step aside, I’ve got nothing more to tell you. If you’re worried about a new threat that appeared tonight and made me its first victim, don’t. There isn’t one.” I try to push past him even as his confused features turn pleading. I don’t care about his theatrics or his reasons for never coming for me, what’s done is done. Even if he didn’t know I needed help, I was only ever taken due to his incompetence. If nothing else, that has to be enough.

I never should have come here.

Most of all, we certainly shouldn’t be having this talk.

I try to leave once more, but he blocks my way with his body.

"Who hurt you?” There’s an aching timber in his voice that’s new, and I hate it.

Hate that it pierces my heart.

Who hasn’t? “Did they do put all those scars on you?” Suddenly, I miss the bully I used to hate. I have a feeling I’d get along with him a lot better than this pathetic guard standing in front of me now.

I laugh bitterly.

“Step out of my way, Keahi.

I haven’t been your problem in four long years. Don’t try to change it now.”

"Princess," he starts, his voice desperate as he reaches out again.

I’m almost tempted to let him touch me, curious how a caress would feel after all these years, but just then, the lights above hit his eyes in a way that makes them almost look orange, and a shock current runs through my veins.

That’s what happens when you choose the fire. I step away from him, reminding myself of whom I’m with and all the pain he caused.

"I hate you," I hiss and push past him to reach the door.

"And if you call me Princess one more time, I will rip out your tongue and feed it to you," I add over my shoulder.

I let that sink in with my back toward him as I turn the doorknob.

"Wait," he protests hastily.

"You asked why we were at the ball today.

We came to gather information." As he speaks, he collects himself, his voice taking on a note of professionalism that I can deal with. I don’t say anything but wait for him to go on. "We know you plan on attacking the academy. Please, Malia, I know you don’t want those innocent kids to be slaughtered like sitting ducks."

I falter, even as my body stays still as a rock.

I didn’t know about that plan.

I study Keahi for a moment, debating whether to believe him or not. I shouldn’t. But I also doubt my parents would tell me about such a plan. They don’t trust me.

"Bold of you to assume you know anything about me," I say, my pride demanding to make that point.

He makes an effort to speak again, but I raise my hand to stop him.

I couldn’t care less about what he has to say to that. Instead, I ask, "What makes you think I could change anything about their plan?"

"You know more about them than anyone else.

You could tell us about their strategies, anything really, and help us stop them.

You are an exceptional fighter after all." The slightest shimmer of hope crosses his eyes, and I want to punch him for it.

"You don’t know me," I say firstly.

Again, I stop him before he can reply anything.

"And give me one good reason as to why I should help you. To switch back to the weaker, inferior side when you’re about to be attacked." I’m just saying that to stall while my mind is racing. There’s no way I’d be part of any such mission, and knowing now that it will take place and that Arcane doesn’t stand a chance if the Dark Fraction really targets them, I’m backed into a corner. But how can I use this to my advantage? What could evening the odds in this battle do to help me?

More losses.

The answer comes to me like a light turning on in a dark room.

I want to destroy both sides of this war; Arcane for kidnapping and manipulating me, making me weak and then abandoning me to fend for myself, and the Dark Fraction for everything that has happened since. Everything they took. They deserve a world of pain, but maybe I don’t have to do it all myself.

Maybe they’ll do most of the work for me, taking each other out.

And the kids would be left out of it.

One swift battle between the adults that chose this as their fates.

This could work.

"I’m not asking you to help me, I’m asking you to help the children." I still remember most of the younger students.

They’re good kids and don’t deserve to get caught in the middle of this war.

"I thought you don’t work with a partner?" I ask, playing for time since I have no idea what else to say.

I can’t just give in.

It would be too easy. Suspicious.

What am I even considering.

Going against my parents...

If they find out about this and get their hands on me, there’s no say in what they’d do. My mother has proven tonight that she doesn’t care if I live or die. I’m not worth the hassle anymore, so much is clear. I’m not perfect enough, not easily molded, and they’re through with me. But I wouldn’t be granted a swift death. No, they’d make me suffer for everything they feel I’ve cost them.

Stars.

There’s no way I can go back to them.

They’re unhinged. At least my mother is, and my father can’t be far behind. He might’ve saved me tonight, but I don’t trust that man to do it again if there’s one more slip-up on my part.

But changing over to Arcane’s side? Who’s to say they’ll take me back.

I don’t want to go back.

I hate them as much as I hate my parents, but perhaps subjecting myself to their rejection is the lesser evil compared to my parents’ torture.

"Yeah, well, I guess some causes are worth the sacrifice." Keahi pulls me out of my thoughts with flattery, "I really don’t think we stand a chance without a secret weapon."

"Look at you, begging for my help." I smirk, still no closer to coming to a conclusion.

I don’t want anything bad happening to the kids, but I shouldn’t care.

I am not part of them anymore so it’s not my problem.

On the other hand, this could be my chance to escape my parents.

They would find me, and they would kill me.

Probably not, they would do a lot worse than kill me. I debate whether it would be worth the sacrifice. If not for Arcane, then for me. Freedom, if only for a limited amount of time.

I let myself entertain the thought.

Think about going back to Arcane only to see them needing my help.

See Adira’s regret and Kaz’ remorse. I could ask them for protection. No, scratch that. I won’t ask them for anything. I could demand protection in return for my aid.

“Okay,” I finally agree.

"Wait, really? You’ll help?" There’s surprise in his voice, but no less wariness.

I guess despite needing my help, he doesn’t trust me.

That’s good. He shouldn’t trust me. I have my own agenda here.

I consider asking for protection before agreeing indefinitely but refrain from it.

I doubt Arcane has guards that could do any better against my parents than me.

Plus, my ego would never let me admit to needing help.

I nod, gritting my teeth when his face brightens.

Fantastic, all those fantasies about destroying him and here I am now, making him happy.

This doesn’t have to change anything, though. Just because I agreed to work with Arcane doesn’t mean I’ll stop dreaming of making Keahi’s life a living hell.

When he doesn’t speak again, I walk to the door once more.

"What are you doing?" he asks skeptically.

"Going back.

If I betray them, I’ll at least make it worth it.

Right now, I couldn’t tell you much." Nothing, really.

"They’ll kill you if they find out." He still looks dumbfounded, and if I didn’t know any better, I’d think he’s even a little worried.

"Don’t worry, they’ll do a lot worse than that." I shoot my best unhinged smile at him as he furrows his eyebrows.

"Don’t go." I narrow my eyes almost daringly and he hurriedly speaks on.

"You’d be less of a help if you don’t come back at all." His voice is more casual.

Good, at least he understands that sentiment, real or fake, won’t get him anywhere with me.

"Then I’ll just have to not get caught.

I will find you when I have what I want.

Don’t do anything stupid until then." If he does anything to make my parents suspicious, I’d have to pay a great price. Me and the children, apparently. He nods once and I leave without another word.

I can’t believe I just made a deal with Keahi.

Maybe no one has noticed my absence at camp.

I can only hope that is true because if it’s not, I’m not sure I’ll live long enough to regret that deal.

I slip into my room to find everything how I left it.

My dried blood still stains my dirt floor and small objects are scattered around.

I start cleaning things up before sitting down on my bed.

Keahi fixed my two cuts up almost perfectly, but my body still aches from when he and my mother pushed me.

All I want to do is pass out and let my body rest for the night, but I know that won’t happen.

I never sleep in this camp. Not once in these years have I felt safe enough to let my guard down completely.