Page 9 of Always Been You

Dyami

I t was a Saturday morning, and I was following my usual routine, which included visiting my mother and little sister.

I hated going there, but like it or not, that was the only family I had.

More than anything, I had to be there for my sister, Trina.

It was hell growing up with my mother. I didn’t have any good memories.

I just knew if I had it hard, Trina would have it worse, so I did what I could for her.

My mom was in a constant battle with her addiction to crack.

She was in and out of rehab, and sometimes she was perfectly fine, and other times she was a complete mess. Lately, it had been the latter.

Trina was now fifteen years old and in her junior year of high school, so that’s where a lot of my time and attention went.

I wanted her to make something out of her life.

She had so far maintained her grades, and she was in a great position to be accepted into a reputable college.

I tried to keep her focused, but she was getting hot in her ass.

She was beautiful and started getting attention from not only boys her age but men a lot older than her.

It was a little more than nine years' age difference between us, so she really wasn’t trying to hear me when I was trying to put her up on game about these niggas being no good.

I would talk until I was blue in the face. I didn’t want her ending up like another chick with her name out here for fucking and sucking any nigga that looked her way. The city was small, and all it took was getting tangled up with the wrong crowd one time to change the scope of your life.

I took a deep breath when my Camry came to a stop in front of the run-down two-bedroom house I grew up in.

The grass had grown up past my ankles, and trash littered the yard.

I made a mental note to visit the boy down the street and clean up the yard.

I shook my head, walking through the maze to get to the door.

I used my key, and I tried to flick on the light.

When nothing happened, I thought I was about to explode.

She was on the same shit. The house was a mess and funky as hell, like someone had left expired food out to rot. No one had been here in days.

I pulled out my phone and logged into her residential account.

I damn near cried when I saw the reconnection for the lights would be damn near six hundred dollars.

That was half the money in my savings. But what was I supposed to do?

I couldn’t leave the lights off for Trina.

She needed a comfortable place to go to school.

I pulled out my debit card, completed the payment, and got confirmation that the lights would be back on in twenty-four hours. I called Trina.

“Hey Mimi.” She answered.

“Where you at?”

“I’m at Stacey’s house. Mom ain’t been home and the lights are off again. I didn’t want to stay there by myself.”

“When that happens, you know to call me. I’m over here now, trying to get things cleaned up.”

“She is getting bad again, sis,” she said quietly.

I could tell she walked away and was in the bathroom or far away from other people.

I’m sure she didn’t want anybody to know that our mom was fucked up.

I went to great lengths in high school to hide her from everybody.

I never messed up in school because I damn sure didn’t want her coming up there showing her ass.

The only person who knew anything about it was Marcos. Crazy how I’d just run into him.

“You hear me? She is getting bad again. She hasn’t been home, and there's nothing in there to eat.” Trina whispered.

“You know when that happens all you have to do is come to my house.”

“You are never home either. The bus won’t pick me up for school from there. I would have to go to school almost an hour early if you drop me off before work, so I just stay with Stacey sometimes, and I catch her bus.”

“The lights will be on by tomorrow, and I want you to come to my place if this ever happens again. I will go out and get some dry groceries so you have food to eat.”

“Okay. One more thing, too. Homecoming is coming up, and I really want to go. You think maybe you can get me a dress?”

This was the shit that frustrated me the most. She was still young and wanted to do things with her friends.

I wanted her to have those experiences too, but since I was handling most of the bills here and at my own place, I barely had enough for myself.

My damn bills were due, and with what I just paid out, I was praying I could make it.

I had a degree and a career, but I was spinning my wheels.

So, between bills and student loan debt, how the hell was I supposed to keep doing this?

Damn, why couldn’t she just get her shit straight for once and be a damn parent?

She was on Section 8 and got food stamps.

Her rent was nothing. All she had to do was keep up on the few bills that came in.

“I’ll see what I can do,” was all I could muster up before I disconnected the call.

I ordered the groceries online with my credit card and then cleaned the house from top to bottom.

I had to open the blinds and let the sunlight help me see.

I threw out all the old food and cleaned out the fridge.

I walked down the street and spoke to the neighbors about having their son take care of the yard.

By the time I made it back, Instacart was pulling into the driveway.

All I could order was dry goods, but at least that was something.

I unloaded the groceries and ran out of there.

I felt bad about only coming every so often, but mentally, that was starting to become too much.

I wanted to hold out hope that my mother would one day get that monkey off her back, but it was looking like she never would.

I tried to move my sister in with me, but she was right; I was never home between work, and the way things are going, I’m probably going to have to pick up a second job.

I was stretching myself so thin, and it was starting to take its toll on me.

I had my own life, and I thought that once I moved out, I would be able to get some peace, but I worried more now than I did when I was still there.

My phone buzzed, and Chante was calling to confirm our lunch date. I damn sure was going to have to cancel. I couldn’t afford to spend a dime right now.

“Where are we doing happy hour?” she said as soon as I answered.

“Girl, I’m sorry. I can’t.”

She was quiet for a moment. “Your mom?” she questioned, knowing the situation all too well.

“Yeah.”

“Well, look, you definitely need this happy hour then. Don’t worry about it, I got it.”

“No, Chante, you're always covering for me. I can’t keep doing this,” I felt myself about to break down. I was so fucking stressed out.

“Well, I’m bringing happy hour to you then. I’ll meet you at your house in twenty minutes. You can’t tell me no either.”

She hung up, and just as she said, she made us mixed drinks, and we were sitting on my bar stools, laughing 30 minutes later. She really had a way to make me laugh when everything around me was falling apart. I don’t think she even realized how special she was to me.

“So, what’s going on with your mom and Trina?”

“Same shit. I swear it’s always something!”

“I’m praying it gets better.” She came around to the barstool beside me and sat.

“Am I wrong?” I asked.

“Right off the top, I’m a say hell naw, but since you haven’t told me what you are talking about, I will wait until you do.”

“It’s like I feel so bad about how things are going.

Am I a fucked-up person because I don’t want my sister to live with me?

My mother would start so much shit with me over that and make my life a living hell.

I mean, don’t get me wrong, push comes to shove, I will do it in a heartbeat, but it’s not what I want.

I feel like maybe that’s why Trina hasn’t come. ”

“Welp! I’m gone repeat it. You ain’t wrong boo.

You don’t want to be a parent to a child that you didn’t create.

Trina is a teenager, and I know for a fact that you wouldn’t leave her out there to fend for herself, but you deserve a life, Dyami.

You gave up your childhood to practically raise your sister, and now you want it to be your turn. There is nothing wrong with that.”

“I feel so guilty for feeling like that. I want to run away from it all.” I admitted.

“Fuck running, just put your foot down with your mother and Trina, too. You love your sister, but she knows what she is doing. She will call crying for money, and when you tell her to come stay with you, it’s always an excuse.

It would be easier for you if she stayed, but she wants to do what she wants to do.

That’s not uncommon for that age, but I don’t think she is blameless.

She is playing the system like any teen would.

Trust me, I have three knucklehead ass siblings, and I’ve seen every trick. It’s just unfortunate about your mom.”

“Girl, like, really what the fuck? I was supposed to be far away from here by now.” I shook my head and sipped some wine.

“Fuck all the drama. You called that Marcos yet?”

“Not yet,” I replied.

“Why the hell not? You couldn’t stop talking about how happy you were to see him. I know we discussed you getting new dick. That’s a good starting point.”

“We were friends, and it’s been years. I’m not on that type of time with Marcos?”

“Why not?” She frowned.

“Because we were friends back in the day. Like real friends. Not the type of chicks that call a nigga their brother and still fuck him. I’m sure he got somebody anyway, as fine as he is,” he damn sure looked good as fuck.

He was way more than I remember. I didn’t want anything to ruin our memories.

The friendship we had was the highlight of my teenage years.

“Girl, you don’t know what the fuck that man got.” Chante countered.

“He has always been a hoe, and I’m sure that ain’t stopped now. That nigga been on me since the beginning of time, but I never let it go further for a reason. I just can’t take finding out he is just like these other niggas around here.” I added when she was too busy sipping to respond.

“So, what are you trying to pass him?” Chante said, and when I snapped my head in her direction, she was doubled over in laughter.

“See, stop playing.” She said, after catching her breath.

“I just doubt he's single. What I looked like getting another attached nigga. I may have never been able to prove it, but I know Jay had someone in the bushes.”

“You need to stop thinking that Jay ass is ever going to get it right and give Marcos a chance. You told me about how you missed him when he left.”

“I am not thinking about Jay,” I lied.

“Like hell you ain’t, but I tell you one thing: Jay ass ain’t thinking about you.

If he was he would’ve at least wifed you.

You gave that nigga three years, and he didn’t give you any type of real commitment.

He didn’t let you meet his family or anything.

Then you break up with him, and he gets to give you less and get the same benefit. ”

I pursed my lips together. She was giving me straight facts, but I wasn’t trying to hear it. Was I really waiting for Jay to act right? No, I wasn’t. I had needs just like any other woman, and he just came in handy when it came to filling them.

“Babe, I love you and I ain’t trying to be mean, but you gotta boss up and stop being so available.

I've been knowing you for a while, and you aren’t the type to just be able to have casual sex with no feelings involved, boo.

See we ain’t them young hoes like we were in college.

I mean not unless the right nigga come along.

Because the right nigga on the wrong day will have me bent in a pretzel on the first night.

” She said, laughing and sticking her tongue out, dancing.

“Ooh, baby!” I slapped fives with her and joined in with a laugh.

“Pick up that damn phone and text Marcos. While you're at it, ask that nigga if he got a friend for me.”

“Wait, you want to double?” The idea made me sit up.

“See, I knew your ass was nervous. If you want to, I will take one for the team.”

She shoved the phone into my hands, and I paused for a minute. What would be the harm in at least catching up with him? Who’s to say that something had to happen? I scrolled through my contacts until I got to his name and texted.

Hey, it’s Dyami. Lock my number in.