Page 42 of Always Been You

Dyami

I got the call today, and I had never felt so relieved in my life!

My mother was up and responding. I felt the weight of the world come off my shoulders!

I didn’t have to make that call. The last words I said to her were indeed not the final ones.

I vowed that no matter how much she pissed me off, I wouldn’t speak to her like that again.

My mother was many things, but she was indeed the only mother I had.

It was just a matter of distance, not disrespect.

I prayed that she would turn her life around seriously this time.

I was back to work, which was in my favor since she was at the same hospital as I was.

As soon as I heard the news, I texted Trina and told her that I would make sure I brought her up here to see Momma as soon as she got out of school.

We were trying to get back to normal as much as possible, but we also knew we had a long way to go.

As things were coming together for me, it seemed like all hell was breaking loose on Marcos’s end.

The shit at the restaurant had to be the scariest thing I had ever been a part of.

I looked at Marcos at that time, and he had nerves of steel.

I was freaking out, and he managed to hold it together and lead everyone out.

Instead of that pushing me away, it only drew me closer for two reasons.

For one, I now knew he was serious about the danger we were in, and secondly, he was able to handle himself.

When I clocked out for lunch, I grabbed Chante to tell her the good news, and she was thrilled for me. She knew how worried I was about her. We rode the elevator up together, and when it was time to go into the room, Chante took a step back.

“Come on,” I urged her.

“No, babe. I know we are family, but you need to speak to your mother in private. At least for the first time. I’ll stay out here and check on my boo,” she said, pulling out her phone.

“How is he?” Chubby was taking the incident at the restaurant hard. I saw in his face when he ran out. It looked like his child had died. He put a lot of blood, sweat, and tears into that establishment for it all to be burned to the ground.

“He is going to look at properties today. They will figure it all out. So, you quit stalling and go in there. Everything will be fine.”

She was my best friend through and through.

She knew exactly how to call me out. Although I was excited, I was also nervous.

What did I say to her? My mother and I never had a good relationship, and I never knew the genesis of our problems. All I knew was that we had them.

I swallowed the lump in my throat, and I went into her room.

She was sitting up. I stilled my feet as soon as I saw her.

My throat went dry as I tried to find the words to say.

“Momma.”

“Dyami baby, come on in here,” she looked gaunt still, but her color was returning to her face. She was clean, and it looked as if she had eaten the food that they had served her.

“How are you feelin’? You really gave us a scare.” I spoke softly.

Her eyes locked on mine, and she took the time to thoroughly peruse my body as if she was seeing me for the first time. She patted the side of her bed to beckon me to her. I never remember her being so soft and gentle, both in her mannerisms and tone of voice.

“You are so beautiful, and you remind me of everything I ain’t,” she said quietly.

“Momma, you are beautiful. Where do you think I get it from?”

She hunched her shoulders up and made a futile attempt at a laugh, which came out more like a chortle.

“You know what I thought about? I heard you come in here while I was out. I heard you talking to me. I heard you praying for me. I was screaming inside my head, but the words wouldn’t come out.

” She stopped to wipe the tears from her eyes before she continued.

“I heard you apologizing to me. After all I did and said to you, I heard you apologizing to me. I couldn’t take it!

I am the one who should be sorry, Dyami.

I didn’t do anything I should have done for you or Trina.

I abandoned you, and I’m so sorry for what I did.

I know you don’t believe me, baby, but I’m going to beat this. This time I’m going to get clean.”

I lifted my eyes to the ceiling to try not to turn into a blubbering mess.

I had been waiting all these years to hear her say sorry.

To hear her say it wasn’t my fault for all that I had to endure at her hands.

I realized that the relationship we had created had left me carrying many insecurities into other areas of my life.

I had a sense of abandonment that I took with me like a weight everywhere I went.

It would make me accept less than I deserve at every turn because, honestly, I had never been taught my worth.

I was on the journey of discovering it for myself, but damn if it wasn’t a hard fight.

“Look at me, baby. It’s long overdue. I owe you way more than just that. In time, I will tell you all the reasons that led me to these bad decisions. Even though you deserve to know, nothing excuses what I’ve done. I need to tell Trina the same thing.”

“I promised to bring her here as soon as she gets out of school.” I sniffed.

She smiled again. “I messed up my life so bad, but you picked up the slack, and I thank you for that. I wanted to die. I tried to die. I smoked way more than I ever have that day in hopes that I wouldn’t wake up,” she admitted, turning her head and staring out the window.

“What? Why momma? Why would you want to do that?” I knew she had a problem, but I didn’t think she was contemplating suicide.

She chuckled softly. “I was thinking about your father.”

“My father?”

“You don’t remember much about him for a reason.

I remember you were a little girl, and we started our habit together.

We would get so high! Back then, I was still handling myself, and it didn’t overshadow me.

But your father was way out there. One day, we were broke, and he was going crazy.

He was beating on me and told me to go out and get some money any way I could,” she shifted in the bed uncomfortably and turned enough for me to see her tear-stained face.

“Momma, you don’t have to—"

“I wanted to wait, but I guess we are here now. I owe you this baby. I didn’t bring back no money, and he hit the ceiling.

He wanted to smoke, and whenever he couldn’t, he would beat the shit out of me.

He left for days after that. Word around was he had himself a new woman.

Months later, he tried to come back and get you.

I didn’t know what he would do to you. I heard about the nasty things men did to little girls.

When he wasn’t trying to hear it, he tried to take you anyway.

I don’t know where the strength came from, but I beat that man's ass so bad that day. We were going toe to toe. I picked up a knife and stabbed that man in the stomach and took off.”

“Wow.” That was all I could muster. I was speechless. I guess that rage was something else I got from her.

“That should have been the end of it, but then I started getting lonely. I wanted to smoke the loneliness away. A year later, I saw your father. He was all cleaned up. You could tell he had a good job, and he had a beautiful woman on his arm. All I could think of was why? Why the hell did he get to have a good life when he put me through hell? Instead of dealing with it I started blaming you. I started blaming you, and the drugs made me feel like I should’ve chosen him instead of you.

” She shook her head when I tried to speak.

“I know it’s not right, but I was in love so badly.

But I made the right choice, Dyami. I should have chosen you.

My only mistake was that I stopped. I should have chosen you and your sister every day, and look at me, baby.

From this point on, you have my word that I will.

I hope you can let me back in if it’s not too late for us. ”

I went to her and embraced her small body.

We rocked and cried for a few moments. I couldn’t say anything, and I was glad I didn’t have to.

She did most of the talking, and all I could do was hope that maybe this time she would be able to free herself from her demons.

Her story was earth-shattering, and I never thought her addiction was rooted in such a dark past. I chose to believe that this time would be different, but I would also guard myself if it wasn’t.

She told me she was talking to a psychologist and was going to check herself into a rehabilitation center as soon as she was released from here.

Thankfully, no permanent damage appeared from her coma, but only time would tell.

For now, I was happy that she was up and alive.

The thought of having to pull the plug on my mother kept me up at night.

We sat and talked the rest of my break until the moment I had to leave. I walked and found Chante waiting. She stood up and quickly made it to me. “How was it?”

“She is doing well. I think she will make it this time.”

She looped my hand in hers and pushed the button to call the elevator.

“I’m so happy for you, babe. I think this may have been the wakeup call she needed. Things will be better, watch.”

“I hope so.” We stepped onto the elevator as the doors opened.

“Now to finish this workday. What you and Chubby got planned tonight?”

“Will you stop calling him that? We aren’t doing much. I think he found a place he likes, so they will be busy trying to tie that all up.”

“I guess that means a late night for Marcos, too,” I said, a little disappointed.

“Look at us being tied down to these niggas. Once all this blows over, we need to have a girls' night so these niggas don’t get comfortable. No matter a fact, make it a girls' trip!”