Page 41 of Always Been You

Terror

I woke up to the sound of the shower running.

I stared at the ceiling, trying to clear my mind.

I looked around the room, and my clothes that were scattered on the ground were folded neatly on the nightstand next to me.

It hit me that today was Dyami’s first day back to work.

I could see the steam creeping in from under the master bathroom door.

I threw the covers away and made my way there.

“You ready?” I asked Dyami as I leaned against the sink.

“Huh?” She asked, sticking her head out.

I was already naked, so I stepped inside. “I asked Are you ready?”

“For work?” She lifted her brow. “Yeah, I’m ready.” She nodded.

“Any more word on your mom?”

“No, I have been prolonging it as long as I can. By the end of this week, we are going to have to make a decision to put her in hospice or take her off.” She spoke with this detachment from the situation. She had analyzed this back and forth.

I began washing myself and waited, knowing she would eventually have more to say. I stayed behind her because she had the water set to boil.

“It’s just Trina, you know? What am I going to have to tell her about this? Do I keep my mother alive if there is only a shell there? Wouldn’t that be more about us than about her?” She said, moving her hair out of the way as I worked up toward her neck.

“I understand that Trina will have a hard time with it, but what about you? How does this shit make you feel?”

“Really, I don’t know. I don’t even think I have the capacity to feel. I hate how our last conversation went, but I also don’t want to just keep her alive if no one is home. I don’t want to lose her, but am I more obsessed with who she can turn into, or did the demons finally win?”

“God is the one who has the final say. I couldn’t imagine being in a situation like that. I support whatever you feel is right. You and Trina don’t have to worry about shit. I got y’all. I even had my Mom talk to Trina, and I think she got to her.”

“I pray she does. I just get so tired sometimes.” She turned to face me and walked me back a few steps out of the water.

“There has always been this weight on me since I was a child. Making sure that Trina was good. I mean fed and clothed, picked up from school, homework, and making dinner. As she got older, it got easier, but I would have nightmares thinking of the day I would be walking the streets or driving down the road, and I would see my mother’s dead body somewhere strung behind a dumpster or something.

Like, if it’s in a hospital, at least she could die with some dignity.

Without embarrassing her children. I feel like I have never taken a breath all these years. Maybe if she is gone, I could.”

I listened to her intently, and I saw her unravel slowly. She burst into tears, and I rubbed her back and stroked her hair. Dyami felt shit so deeply and always had. She tried to push up from me.

“I’m a fucked up person for feeling like this!” She fought out.

“Feelings don’t have to make sense. You have been through a lot, and you have handled shit better than anyone I know.

You have every right to be tired of this bullshit you're going through. Just know you don’t have to carry this situation.

Trina and your mom? Just come to me and tell me what you need.

Fuck that, just go get it, you know where my safe is.

You don’t even have to carry yourself. I can do that.

” I scooped her in my arms and carried her out of the shower.

“I know how it feels to carry someone. As long as I can, I will never be a burden.” She wiped her eyes.

“You never are. How about you take care of me and I take care of you.”

“I like that.” She finally graced me with a smile, and I dropped her on her feet. “Thanks for making me feel better, baby.” She kissed me.

“Always,” I replied.

“So, while we are talking, I wanted to talk to you about something else.”

“You need to put some clothes on, because now that I know you're feeling better, that pretty pussy looking dead at me.”

“You see me all the time.” She responded, but she promptly went to the drawer, pulled out clothes, and started dressing. She placed on panties, a bra, a skirt, and a tank top before she turned back to me.

“The restaurant.”

“Shit.” Just the mention of it made me sit down and run my hands over my hair.

“I think that maybe you should let Chubby take over.” She was timid, and the frown on my face when she finished speaking was surely a deterrent.

I waited to hear her out. “I’ve known you for a long time.

I know when you are passionate about something.

I think that you are doing it for all the right reasons, but until you get everything figured out on the other side of life, it’s not safe.

You may be able to come back to that. I’m not worried about money or how that will change.

I’m worried about you, and I’m worried about Chubby. This is his dream. His livelihood.”

“What you mean? I would never leave that nigga out like that. He knows he's taken care of no question.” I shot back.

“But, he is a man, baby. He doesn’t want to be handed money.

He wants to work hard and see what he has built stand, and not be reset by a feud he had no hand in.

You are smarter than this street life, but you also need to find your thing.

The thing that drives you and brings you happiness, so much so that you never want to think about anything else.

Personally, I love HR work because I can advocate for people who have been wronged.

Most HR professionals work with the business in mind first. I wanted to do things differently.

Stand up to bullies because that’s what I needed and wanted for most of my life.

I want to own my own company and work directly with Unions.

It makes me happy. Can you honestly say that this restaurant is something that brings you passion, or was it a way to supplement income so that things don’t fall off? ”

“You talk to Chante about this? Chubby said something?” I asked.

“I talk to Chante all the time, baby. I am just trying to get you to see that this is huge for Chubby, and he can’t create opportunities out of thin air like you can.

He’s your best friend, but I bet when y’all are together, he never asks for anything.

I know him. He’s always been prideful. Now ask yourself this.

How hard did he have to work to put up the money for this restaurant? ”

“I hear you.”

“It’s just what I think. Don’t be mad. I will support you no matter what you do.” She walked into the bathroom and started to apply her makeup. Her words washed over me, but I wasn’t ready to absorb them yet.

I needed to gauge Chub’s head. When I walked out, he wasn’t there, and neither was Chante.

I tried not to read too much into it. Maybe they went home to get settled.

Everything was going back to normal. We couldn’t hide forever, and the way Kole was moving, it was only a matter of time before he showed himself.

“Hey, baby. I’m gone.” Dyami said over my shoulder. She was the finest professional woman. My woman. She tried to slink past me to the door. I stepped in front.

“What do I tell you about that?” I cracked a smile after the words left me. She rose on her toes and kissed my lips. Gently at first, then I deepened our connection. When we broke apart, I rested my forehead on hers. “I hear you.”

“Okay, wish me a good day.” She beamed.

“I’m following you.”

“Still?”

“Only for a little while longer. I’m taking care of everything.” I said firmly. She didn’t fuss. She walked out the door, and I followed behind her.

It was one thing I did have a firm grip on, and that was Jay’s ass.

He wasn’t talking to the police. I had an associate of mine pay a visit to his house and let him know he had a family to think of.

He was caught on the wrong side of shit, and it was best he kept quiet.

I had a few people on the inside if it got that far.

At the right moment, he would be a memory, but it was too hot to do anything right now.

My phone rang as I drove, and it was my mother.

“Hey, ma.”

“Marcos, how are you doing, baby?”

“I’m fine, ma. Why you ask that?”

“Because I am looking at the news about the restaurant. What is going on, baby?” She pleaded with me.

“I don’t know.”

Silence.

“I saw MJ still in bed before I left. Did he wake up?” I asked.

“Just a few minutes ago, and you know he’s asking for you.”

“I’ll be back home in about an hour. Let me handle it.”

I didn’t want to speak on it further. I had this feeling of failure.

I was trying to juggle so much shit at once, and I wasn’t doing any of it well enough in my estimation.

That same feeling of being lost on what the following steps to take were washed over me.

For the first time in my adult life, I found myself thinking about visiting my father.

I may have never said it aloud, but I wanted and needed guidance.

All I had was myself to fall back on, and all my family had was me.

I wouldn’t crumble. I wasn’t built that way.

I watched Dyami’s car as I trailed behind her. She turned onto the ramp at her job while I followed behind. When she got out of the car, we began walking to the hospital's door. Silently, I looped her hand in mine.

“Thanks for being real enough to tell me how you felt instead of some shit I wanted to hear,” I said, looking forward.

“I want you to know I believe in you, Marcos. I always have. You are so smart, baby.” Her voice was so gentle. Caring in a way I hadn’t even experienced her yet.

“I know you do, and I know I am. I feel like people tell me that shit all the time. I’m figuring everything out as I go, but sometimes I feel like things aren’t coming together fast enough.”

“Is this about what I said before we left? I’m sorry I am pressuring you. Follow me as long as you need to. Baby, I wasn’t complaining.” She was talking fast, and we were almost to the front door.

“It’s not. It’s cool. Have a good day at work, baby.” I bent my head down for a kiss, and she stepped back. I almost growled. I felt like a touch from her would’ve soothed everything.

“What’s it about then?” She took both my hands in hers. I tried to shake it off, but she looked at me with those beautiful brown eyes. She knew when I was trying to hide.

“I was just thinking about my pops. Most people don’t say it, but it’s hard to know what’s right when you didn’t have the guidance. I’m a man all day, but I can’t discount that it was some vital shit I had to learn on my own that I haven’t mastered yet.”

“Your father isn’t dead.” She spoke gently.

“He never asked for me, either. Never called me.”

“It’s not about what he did. It’s about what you need. You need clarity, even if it’s just one conversation.” She was penetrating me, so I looked away.

“Hey, girl. We back up in this thang, I guess.” Chante cut into our conversation, and I saw Chubby lagging behind her slightly.

“I guess so.” Dyami turned to her brightly.

“Come on, before we are late.” Chante pranced to Chubby and kissed him. Dyami did the same to me while Chubby and I lagged back, and they were allowed inside the doors. Chubby turned and walked back to his car, and I jogged to catch up.

“Wait up, Bruh,” I called.

“It’s been a long night, T,” Chubby said, slightly irritated.

“I know. I just wanted to apologize again for what happened with the restaurant.”

“It ain’t your fault. It’s not like you knew some shit like that was gone pop.”

“But didn’t I?” I questioned.

“What you mean? Nigga you knew about this shit?” His face was full of hurt and betrayal, and the words Dyami said hit home. This had been his dream since he was a kid, and he was a damn good chef.

“Not directly, but with the shit I’m into, ain’t no way it can’t spill over.”

Chubby waved his hand.

“We can’t talk about the past, bruh. We have insurance. We just rebuild and go from there.” Chubby’s words were strong, but his face showed me all I needed to know.

“We do have insurance, but I gotta move out the way. When everything gets rebuilt, I’m turning over my part of the company to you.”

“What?” Chubby stepped back and looked at me.

“I am. This is your dream. I can’t get in the way again. Everything associated with me has to be removed. I’ll rebuild it, and you go from there.”

“That shit sound crazy.”

“Nah, that shit sound right,” I replied.

We walked to the parking structure. We were almost to the car.

“I’ll buy you out. Don’t give it to me.” Chubby said firmly as we stopped by the hood of his car.

“Money ain’t shit. I owe you this.” I said it because I believed it.

“It’s something to me.” He countered, and once again, Dyami’s words hit me.

“Yo. Chub, if I ever made you feel some type of way with how I throw shit around, it ain’t ever intentional. You've been my nigga since the playground, and I want you to have the same freedoms I have.”

“Respectfully, bruh, I only deserve the freedom I create myself.”

“Respect, bro.”

“Damn Dyami must have some shit in her pussy that got yo ass talking like this.”

“Nigga, don’t worry about Dyami’s pussy worry about Chante’s.”

“I do every chance I get and that muthafucka is dee-licious!” He licked his lips, and I turned my head and laughed. The vibe turned back serious.

“When this shit wrapping up T?”

“I’m handling the Jay problem very soon. I got Chris locked into his cameras, and it’s whenever.”

“Damn, I know it’s serious when the Geek Squad gets involved. Jay talking?”

“He knows better, and soon he won't be able to say shit. Kole is a ghost. I didn’t want to, but I’m going to have to get with Crystal. It’s time for us to move on.” I said confidently.

“Be careful with that bitch.”

“You already know. I’ll fuck with you.” We dapped up, and I started to walk away.

“Yo, T!” Chubby called. I turned to face him. “What about MJ?”

“What about him?” I shot back. I felt my blood begin to boil at a venomous level.

“I know it won’t change how you feel. I’m just saying, you should know.” Chubby slipped into his car and peeled off.