Page 90 of Should Our Stars Collide

“I have my demons,” he admits quietly, searching out Kieran’seyes. This time, when he smiles, it’s soft and affectionate again. “You happen to be very good at keeping them at bay. Or should I say, you’re very good at taming them.”

It hits Kieran at once, the ice-cold realization how self-absorbed he’s been. All this time, he’s made it all about himself; his problems, his traumas, his likes and dislikes. He’s been so blinded by his piss-poor self-esteem he couldn’t even fathom that Ash might have a deep-seated reason for being in a relationship with him. That being with Kieran might be healing for a part of him too. That, god forbid, Ash’s life isn’t as perfect as it seems.

As much as it pains him to admit it, Ash is obviously a catch. He could have anyone he wanted. An endless parade of men willing to fall at his feet.

But he chose Kieran.

Suddenly, Kieran desperately wants to find out why. He wants to find out about those demons he’s supposedly good at putting in their place.

“Did I answer your questions?” Ash asks after neither of them have said anything for a while.

“Created more of them, to be honest. But…I do feel better.” Which is unexpected. Kieran was bracing himself to be traumatized beyond repair after this conversation was over.

“I’m glad.”

“So, the stunt you pulled in Fiji. That’s something we normally do?”

“Yes and no.” Ash taps his fingers against his thigh. Kieran stares at him flatly until he elaborates.

“The number one rule we have is that everything is out in the open, but I went and did something behind your back because I was in uncharted waters and handled it poorly.”

“At least you can admit you fucked up,” Kieran says, unwillingly impressed. He’s never met someone who communicates so openly, and he still doesn’t know how to act. “Why do that, though? Am I not allowed to drink in this little game of ours?”

“It’s one of the things you decided to give me control over. You’re prone to indulging in self-harming behaviors.”

Kieran bristles, shooting to his feet. “What the fuck? I don’t self-harm!”

“Drinking away your emotions? Shutting yourself in your room when you feel vulnerable, even though what you need the most is not to feel alone? Never asking for help because you have this belief that if you ask you will just be bothering people? Talking negatively about yourself?”

It’s as if Ash is crossing items off a shopping list, each item embedding itself in Kieran’s skin like a pinprick.

“Well, I—I…”

“Call it whatever you want,” Ash cuts in, the air around him shifting to something darker. “Self-harm, self-sabotage, being a stubborn ass—point is, I won’t stand for it. I won’t watch you do it to yourself. When I see you doing something harmful, I will put a stop to it. And youwilllisten to me.”

Kieran swallows, his insides twisting like he’s standing at the edge of a cliff—about to jump, not sure if he’ll survive, yet unable to stop himself.

“Unless I say the word, you mean?”

It’s crazy that one word has the power to change everything. To make everything stop if he gets scared or overwhelmed. One word that’s like a safety net during a free fall.

If only he could use it for all the things in his life.

“Kombucha,” Ash says.

Kieran blinks, then grimaces as the word evokes a very real sensation of vinegary taste on his tongue.

“What the— Wait, is that our safeword?”

“It’s yours.”

Disgusting, but apt. “We have different ones? What’s yours?”

Ash shudders. “Magpie.”

“Ma-magpie,” Kieran repeats, nearly doubling-over from laughter. “Seriously?”

Ash gives him a wide, terrified look. “They are creatures from hell, Kieran.”