Page 118 of Should Our Stars Collide

“Anything?”

“Screw. You,” Kieran manages between pants.

Ash’s chuckle is dark. “That’s my boy.”

Then it’s too fast to keep track, to keep counting to himself. Ash doesn’t give him breaks anymore, each hit delivered different to the last. Sometimes sharper, sometimes less, leaving Kieran guessing. At first, anyway. Little by little, Kieran’s focus slips, until all he can think about is the burning pain in his buttocks, the heat that seems to spread throughout his whole body.

It's the strangest thing, to be losing grip on his own thoughts while his mind has never felt clearer, worry-free. Suddenly, he doesn’t care he’s stuck in the future, isn’t worried about the time-space continuum, or how to find his way back. He doesn’t need to. In fact, he doesn’t need to do anything except listen to Ash.

Because Ash will take care of him, as he’s been doing this whole time. Even if, sometimes, he has a weird way of showing it.

By now, Kieran’s eyes have turned to waterfalls. Each hit hurts so bad it’s almost impossible to breathe. But the knowledge that he’s worth getting upset over, that Ash cares enough to teach him a lesson, to hurt him so Kieran won’t hurt himself anymore… It’s fucked up, but it makes him feelso fucking cherished.

It’s as if the sting of each hit burns away a little bit of the heavy weight he always carries around, every nasty thought he’s ever had about himself. As if Ash is shaping him into a new person. A better person. A happier person. One that’s not weighed down by the whole fucking world. One that can just exist, here and now, with Ash.

The pain is close to unbearable now, the heat turning into numbness. Is this how much Ash is hurting because of him?

“I’m sorry,” Kieran sobs, choking on his own tears. “I’m sorry. I’msorry.” He chants the words over and over, his tongue tripping over them until they become an incomprehensible babble. His ears are filled with white noise, blocking the world out, but Ash’s voice cuts through it like a knife through butter.

“Good boy. Such a good boy.”

His body is hoisted up and carried towards the sofa.

“It’s over, Kieran. All done.” Kisses are rained onto his tear-streaked face, one pressed against the corner of his mouth. The almost-kiss sends a jolt of electricity all the way to his toes, chasing the numbness away.

Something soft and warm is wrapped around him, and he’s being pulled into Ash’s arms.

It takes time for his heart rate to settle, for feeling to return to his body and his sobs to subside. Ash holds him through it, praises him, as if he hadn’t just nearly spanked Kieran’s soul out of him.

“I’m sorry for hurting you,” Kieran slurs, leaning his heavy head on Ash’s chest. God, he’s so tired.

Ash kisses the top of his head, strokes his hair. “Thank you. It’s alright now.”

It’s alright now.Just like that. No guilt-tripping, no underhanded jabs, no threats of leaving.

Kieran hurt him. Ash made him apologize, made him fix it in his own way. It’s forgiven.

Fuck. Why can’t everything in life be so straightforward, so final?

Ash’s warmth almost lulls him to sleep, but then Ash starts shifting, moving Kieran around like he’s about to stand. Suddenly wide awake, Kieran’s fingers catch in his shirt on instinct.

“Hey, it’s okay,” Ash soothes. “I’ll be right back, just getting something from the fridge. You’ll be able to see me.” With that promise, he presses another kiss to Kieran’s forehead.

Reluctantly, Kieran uncurls his fingers, watching like a hawk as Ash trails towards the kitchen and opens the fridge. Even when watching his every move, he doesn’t fully relax until Ash’sback.

“On your stomach, baby.”

“Not a baby.”

“You’re my baby. And I need to take care of you.” He signals for Kieran to turn over, an eyebrow raised expectantly.

Pouting, Kieran does. The haze has started to clear, which means his embarrassment has come back, full force. He’s still naked from the waist down.

“This is fucked up,” he complains as Ash applies the gel to his abused butt. “You hurt me, then try to make it better.”

Is this really how they normally are? Is this their dynamic?

How can Kieran like this? It’s so wrong. What kind of person gets a kick from being hurt—no, punished like a fucking child. What kind of freak is he?