Page 73 of Free Fall
“How do you know?”
“Rumors,” Peggy Jo says. “Lots and lots of rumors.”
“What are people saying?” I don’t know why I’m asking. I don’t really care. At least not for me, but I do worry for Sejin. He probably won’t like people talking shit about him or us.Ifthere’san us—and it seems like there is, just like he’d predicted back on Pothole Dome.
“Let’s see, what are people saying?” She pretends to think about it. “Mainly that you’re losing your focus on climbing because you’re so absorbed by this thing you’ve got going with Sejin.”
I scoff. “I’m as focused as ever on climbing. I just do something other than hang out alone on my rest days.”
“Are they even rest days now?” Peggy Jo says, insinuation lining her voice.
“Sometimes,” I hedge.
Sejin and I have been seeing each other at least three times a week for the last three weeks now. Sometimes it’s a date, like Pothole Dome or a movie at the theater, and sometimes it’s fucking in the van until we can’t walk straight, and sometimes it’s just hanging out. It’s not the best use of my time, but I can’t seem to make it through more than a few days without asking him over again, and he can’t seem to say no.
I suspect Sejin isn’ttryingto say no, though. Aside from his mostly unfounded fears about my imminent death, he has no real reason to resist this pull between us. Unlike me.I’mthe one who has goals that could be sabotaged by my fixation on him.
Peggy Jo and whoever’s spreading these rumors are both right. Ishouldbe more focused on my climbing plans right now and not primarily on seeing Sejin’s smile, and secondarily on hearing him laugh, and tertiarily on fucking him senseless.
But, in my defense, the fucking has slowed down a little in the last week or so. We’ve spent more time cuddled up in bed watching our respective YouTube videos on our phones—climbing videos for me, KPop stuff for him—than we’ve spent having sex. Like, one day last week, it rained and there was no way I could fit any climbing in. So Sejin wrangled an early shift dismissal from the coffee shop and headed over. Physically, webarely did anything. We just made food and ate it in my bed, listening to the rain, talking about our lives, and then kissing before napping. I hadn’t known what to make of that except that it’d been fun, low key, and just what I’d needed.
But it’s not like we’re over each other already either. On another day, I tied him down with some old climbing rope I had lying around, and he’d squirmed helplessly as I ate and fingered his ass for a long, tortuously hot afternoon. I was out of my mind with lust just watching him tug at the ropes and drool around the ball gag.
And on yet another day, we played doctor again. He re-earned my nickname for him with some very dirty applications of an ACE bandage. My balls have never felt so well-wrapped, and my orgasm has never been so hard won. It’d been a fun day.
But so was the day we went on a light hike, and the day I swung by the coffee shop to watch him work while I read Tommy Caldwell’s memoir on my phone, and the day I met him at the preschool after he’d finished up with the kiddies so he could drive us in to town for a movie and dinner together. That was the most traditionally date-like date I’d ever been on. The restaurant even had white tablecloths.
The least fun day with Sejin was when I made the mistake of agreeing to hang out with him while he took care of Jeremiah and Sarah Kate. And…well, let’s just say Jeremiah isn’t a fan of me. He’s very attached to Sejin, and it seems he blames me for how often Sejin is away from the house these days. I accept that blame heartily and even told him yes, Sejinisgoing to spend a lot more time with me in the future too, so he’d better get used to it. It’d been all downhill after that. The kid actually bit me. Sejin scolded him, and Sarah Kate cried.
In the end, I’d left early to let Sejin watch the kids by himself. It didn’t seem fair to rile Jeremiah up with my presence when he just wanted Sejin’s attention all for himself. I can relate.
Later Sejin came by, though, and we watched the stars from the top of my van, and then slept—without doing more than kissing again—side by side down below.
In between seeing Sejin, I am still training. Which is what I’m going to do today with Peggy Jo. She’s going to belay for me while I work on the lower-stakes dyno again. Normally I like to do this practice alone, but I feel like I’ve got a handle on the jump these days, and I want to show her how often I make it to put her mind at ease. I should take Rye up Heart Route again sometime soon, show him the real deal, and then maybe the rumors about me will change from “suicidal idiot climber distracted by pretty man” to “crazy talented, totally gonna free solo Heart Route climberfallingfor pretty man.”
Because, yeah, I’ve fallen for Sejin, and I’m not ashamed to say it. I still haven’t seenthatsmile, though. I’ve come close. So, so close. But there’s always something holding him back. I’m pretty sure it’s the knowledge of my plans and his fears for my future, but I’m not going to give up trying for either one of my goals. It’s just not who I am.
I tell Peggy Jo the truth. “I might be a little distracted right now, but you were the one who encouraged me to go after him. Now you’re not happy that I did what you said?”
“Oh, no, I’m pleased as punch,” she says, as she makes the turn on the road that will lead us to where we’ll park before hiking in. “I just think if you’re not as focused as you once were, maybe you can dial it back. Put this free solo ascent off another year. Let things settle with Sejin and see if a relationship changes your outlook on your Heart Route plans.”
“You’re hoping he’ll convince me not to do it.”
She shrugs. “He can’t love the thought of you taking the risk.”
“What is ‘risk,’ Peggy Jo? We’re putting our lives in jeopardy on the road right now.”
“Save your risk analysis bullshit for Sejin whenheasks. I’ve already heard it.”
“What makes you think he’ll ask?”
“That boy is plumb gone for you. He’ll ask.”
“What makes you think he’s—” I can’t bring myself to say ‘plumb gone,’ so I just wave my hands around. She gets the drift.
“Rumors again,” she says with a sigh. “Reliable ones. Plus, my own eyes. I saw how he sent you off just now. A smile like some kind of shy sunshine, and a tender kiss, and how happy he looked when you gave him your keys—”
“Only because it means he can get back in bed and—”