Page 109 of Free Fall

“Did you hire that guy?” Dan asks after “Spring Day” by BTS plays, and I’ve half-assed my way through the Korean lyrics. “The one from Seoul, but who’s living in LA?”

“We agreed to start the first week of November.”

Dan kisses my fingers again. “Good.”

“I told him by email that I’m adopted and that I’ve been raised by a white family, so I know nothing. He seems eager to help introduce me to the language of my birth country, and he didn’t seem judgy about it. I think it’ll be fun.”

“New things are always fun for you.”

“Aren’t they for you?” I ask.

“Of course. But I also like the tried and true. When I find a good thing, I like to stick with it.”

Astro’s song “gemini” begins, and Dan sighs happily. “This one makes my chest ache.” He kisses my fingers yet again and asks, “Sejin? What makes you feel alive? The most alive?”

“You.”

“Ah.”

It feels like the wrong answer, and I think about it harder. I’ve felt alive before Dan, and I know he’s right that even if he leaves my life, I’ll eventually feel alive again after him. I consider the stars and I think about the times when I’ve felt the most sharply aware of the magnificence of living and all of them do have something in common.

“Love,” I say. “Love makes me feel alive.”

Dan touches my cheek.

“I think that’s what life’s about. Grabbing hold of love. Laughing with my mom, listening to KPop, dancing, being around kids, touching you, traveling… They’re all precious experiences I hold with love.”

Dan turns on his side and I do the same. We kiss tenderly, nothing intense, and then roll onto our backs again to study the stars and hum along to my playlist.

Eventually, I say, “Alright. I’ll watch you.”

“You’ll watch? Really? That’s brave, Doc.” He’s more impressed with my willingness to watch him risk his life than he is with himself for risking it.

“Don’t mess up and make me regret it.”

“I’ll do my best. I always do.” Dan takes hold of my hand and holds it against his chest. I can feel his heart beating there, strong and vibrant. I think about the night we met and how he’d fucked me silly—and how I’d let him.

He kisses my fingers, and I remember the day he came to the coffee shop determined to talk me into giving him another try, despite my fears—and again, I’d let him.

He lifts his finger to the sky to point out a falling star, and I think of the ways I’ve tried to guard my heart, but he’s kept on effortlessly, guilelessly coming for it—and I’ve let him snatch it.

There isn’t much I haven’t let Dan do. There isn’t much Iwon’tlet him do in the future either. And there are reasons for that.

I didn’t fall in love with a flawless man. I fell in love withthisman.

I need to remember that whenever I get scared. I pull his hand tomymouth and kisshisfingers this time.

The stars soar above us, a canopy of tiny lights.

*

Dan

The morning breaksopen with pinks and corals, and I’m halfway up the pillar as the sun crests the horizon.

I’ve left Sejin on the ground below, wrapped in a blanket in a lawn chair, sipping hot coffee and pretending not to be scared out of his mind. I have my back to him, so I can’t see his reactions, but I’m moving easily and well. I hope it reassures him to see me so thoroughly in my element.

Acid Rock, the name of the route up Pillar Two, begins with a steep hand crack from the inside corridor. Easy, but it takes concentration even when hooked into ropes. But today I’m out here just me, the wind, the rock, and my strength. I’m dialed in to every crevice, every hold, and thinking about every shift of my body. As I climb up to a sturdy ledge and step onto it, I chalk up again and take a moment to turn to Sejin.